We all have our little quirks, and yes, I am sure my friends can’t stand my definitive choice to always sing half of any conversation I have; but what if an entire sex is sharing a list of horrible quirks and habits and unleashing them onto the dating world? A plea bargain must be made. Listen boys, I am not saying girls are perfect, in fact, I am pretty sure any list of ours could rival this one, but you are all sharing some horrible habits that have to end. If every guy followed at least half of these rules, I would have a lot less phone calls from my friends that are muffled by tears and the sound of Ben and Jerry’s being stuffed into a disappointed person.
To the guys, I promise, we aren’t asking for much. We don’t want you to give up football or stop calling us hot, we just want you to actually tell us if you have to cancel or simply let us know, this isn’t long term, you really just want to sleep with us. Believe it or not, most of the time we are actually ok with something casual or with plans changing, but the way you are going about it is all wrong. Don’t be the guy that nods his head yes to doing eight out the 10 things on this list, and if you are, print this out and laminate it immediately. It will work wonders for you, I promise. We really aren’t asking for as much as you think.
1. Stop thinking feminism means we hate you, it doesn’t. Let me break this down for you; you can hold the door open for me as long as you acknowledge I don’t need you for that or my success in general.
2. Stop using the excuse: all guys are shitty texters. Don’t pretend you don’t know how to use a cell phone or be a person. You are amazing at snap chat and sharing soccer links on Facebook; try texting us back, or even, texting us first. Sorry, I probably should have had you sit down for that last one.
3.Don’t grab yourself in public. If you have to readjust, and I mean to the point of emergency that your bits might be seen by children, hide behind something or remove yourself to take care of it. I’m not picking up my boobs and placing them in my bra while getting frozen yogurt, keep it together please.
4. Stop saying bro or dude after every other word. You sound ridiculous and I know (I hope) you have a wider vocabulary than that. Once per sentence is plenty, I promise.
5. Make up your mind and then lay it all out on the table. Don’t tell me you want to be my boyfriend, so I’ll sleep with you. Great, you could have just said you wanted something casual, and I probably would have been fine with that anyway, minus the expectations. Now I have a lot of bullshit flowers to throw away and pictures to cut you out of.
6. Stop spitting everywhere. I don’t know if you are an extreme victim of second hand smoke or you just like covering any and all city streets with a thick film of saliva but it’s horrifying and my shoes are begging you to stop.
7. Don’t let us open up to you and share absolutely nothing about yourself. If this is a lips-sealed legs-open kind of situation, that is probably fine, but tell us.
8. Stop thinking my butt is exists for the sole purpose of you to grab it and my boobs are there to be watched constantly. Isn’t there some sort of sports game on that you can ogle at instead?
9. If you have no intention of calling us, don’t say you’re going to. Just say nothing. Expectancy is the worst. What if I told 5 year old you on Christmas eve that Santa wasn’t coming? Don’t be cellular coal.
10. Don’t booty call us and assume we have no idea what is happening. Chances are, if you are calling or texting me at 1:32 am you aren’t coming over to borrow my 5th season of Saved by the Bell or to ask me a question. Call us, yes, but we usually know what’s up.
11. Don’t say you’re going to be different. Either actually be different or at least be good in bed, so we can kind of forgive your horrible qualities of not bothering to treat us any differently, than the shitty guys before you.