1. I shouldn’t have said that. I am so mad at myself for sending that. This could refer to numerous things ranging from: “Hi” to “did you see that meme I just posted on your wall” to “do you want to have sex?” It doesn’t matter the level, you would give your kidney to take it back. Until he responds, then you’re really glad you asked.
2. Um the last text I sent was a question, you really can’t answer? Was that question too forward? I know I might have slightly changed the topic, but I took your previous text as a lead in to see if you are really interested. Why won’t you answer?
3. He forgot? Again? But I am definitely worth remembering. Wait am I memorable? (Text 6 different friends to confirm you are actually a person who is able to be remembered. Still no text back)
4. There is a major possibility he saw it but didn’t respond. Why wouldn’t he respond? I guess sometimes I do that too, but what if he saw it and then forgot? Should I send a reminder text just to be safe? No, I don’t want to seem desperate.
5. Well, I mean I don’t care but clearly he doesn’t either. Why doesn’t he care? I’m cool; he should care, even if I don’t. Side note: clearly I care
6. Last time we hooked up he said this one thing that I have now thought about 8,000 different times to mean 8,000 different things. Could what I said in reply or the way I said it be a problem? Is that why he won’t text me back?
7. Don’t tell me you “don’t have time” I just typed a suitable response back to myself and it took me a cool seven seconds. You don’t have seven seconds? Put your penis down and now a whole two minutes that has opened up on the daily.
8. You go back to the conversation, just to make sure you didn’t tell him that you pick your nose frequently, or that you killed his mom. Nope, you’re good; you just asked him how he is doing. Apparently just as offensive.
9. You work at Men’s warehouse, the movie theatre and/or Target. There’s NO way you are too busy to text me back.
10. He was literally so excited to get a text from me that he fainted. Yeah, that must be it.
11. Maybe he thinks I’m annoying. Wait, how am I annoying? Was it my topic selection or my over excited emoji? Oh My God, I used two exclamation points! But he’s obnoxious too, he says dude a lot and talks with his mouth full, can he really judge me for using excessive monkey emojis?
12. Is he even interested? Last time I saw him he only kind of half smiled at me and we all know that’s death.
13. He started typing and then stopped. Kill me.
14. Every guy is bad at texting. That’s a thing right? Maybe I will write a texting manual for guys with appropriate responses and emojis. It will be sold exclusively at Urban Outfitters. (after you have the entire layout of the book finished you realize he still hasn’t answered)
*All of the above is guaranteed to occur if the failed response time is over twelve seconds.