I’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you. You need to know that it’s okay to be mad. To be sad. To be devastated. To cry. To scream. To go silent. To sit on the floor of the shower and cry so hard that not a single sound comes out. To completely lose control of your emotions. To sleep in. To isolate yourself. To be scared of touch. To be hesitant to trust others. This is all okay and very normal.
It is not okay, however, to blame yourself. You are the victim. I encourage you to talk to others. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a friend. To a parent. To a stranger. All around you there are people who have endured similar traumas. It is possible to move forward when you feel heard and understood. Nightmares are going to happen. Walking alone is going to feel like a death sentence for awhile. You’ll feel like everyone you tell the story to is judging you. Intimacy is going to be hard for quite some time. It is so important to remember that the only person to blame is the person who raped you. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. I cannot stress this enough.
It does not matter if it was a stranger, a family member, a friend, or your significant other. If you did not consent, it was rape. If you were unable to consent because of your mental state, it was rape. If you were too young to understand what was happening, it was rape. If it was your significant other and you just didn’t feel like having sex, but they insisted, it was rape. If you felt like it at the beginning but changed your mind halfway through, yet they still continued, it was rape.
I can promise you that moving forward begins with accepting that it happened even though it hurts like hell and it breaks you. When you suppress your emotions and bury it away, it only hurts more. It happened and I am so fucking sorry it did. It will take time, patience, and the support of others, but you will endure. I promise you will endure.
Note: If you are reading this because someone you know has been raped recently, I beg you to just be there for them. They just need someone to understand, to cry with, to remind them that, in time, they will heal.