To The One Who Left Twice

You were only meant to be a lesson.

You were only meant to be the one who swept me off my feet, to get me high off of I want you’s and I need you’s, and then you were meant to disappear. I never expected to care about you the way I did, but the first time you kissed me, it felt like home.

You were the one who chased me, who pursued me more than anyone else had in the past, but honestly? The chase was the only thing you cared about. The first time around, you weren’t ready and so I gave you space, and although we were always within footsteps of each other, I felt oceans away from you. Until you came back.

I let you go and you came right back to me.

You were sorry, you missed me, things were going to be real this time. And like a naive little girl, I believed you. I should’ve known better, but for one and a half weeks, I kept my guard up but I still let myself enjoy the calm before the storm. Why? Because you told me not to worry, to get used to you complimenting me all the time, and telling me how beautiful I was and how much you missed me.

But how, when I knew how things turned out the first time, could I let myself be fully content when you kissed my forehead and randomly laced your fingers through mine? How could I dive headfirst into the same situation when I nearly drowned the first time? I was right to be cautious, because as each day went on, once again I realised that I was only good enough to see you when the rest of the world was sleeping.

Despite your promises, I was only good enough to see you when it was convenient. I wasn’t good enough for you to take out or show off, and I was, to put it simply, a distraction. You said so yourself. You told me you had a lot on your plate, but I do too. I still made you a priority, though. I don’t hate you for making me cry.

I’m not mad at you, or upset with you. What I am now, is wiser.

Yes, I choked on my tears while I wrote this, but I let myself feel what I’ve bottled up for some time now. I’m glad I got to kiss you not once, not twice, but three times before we parted ways for the last time, and I hope with all my heart that when you find the girl you’ll love for the rest of your life, you will not run away.

I hope you put her first, listen to her, ask her about her days and sing to her on the phone when she’s sad. I hope that you love her so much that you can’t think of any number in existence to describe the amount. I hope you love her.