Pride is stubborn. It refuses to let you understand your feelings. Some people have little pride and some people have a lot. Pride shows in different ways. It can show in your pride to be right, your pride to work well, or your pride to love.
I have a lot of pride for being an independent person.
At that time I wouldn’t admit I was heartbroken. I tried to act like everything was ok, because what else are you supposed to do? People hurt you and you have to move on, but because I acted like I was fine on the outside and ignored what was inside of me and I started to deteriorate.
“I was fine,” I kept telling myself. Except I hadn’t been healthy for over 6 months.
I kept telling myself that I was “unlucky,” that I was continuously getting sick.
“I was fine.” I was getting sleep at night. I was laughing. I was eating healthy.
I wasn’t though.
My first true heartbreak fucked me up in every way possible.
I cried myself into a kidney infection. I continuously got colds. I suffered from a TMJ, which is built up stress in your jaw. I thought I was fine and healthy until I went to the dentist and nearly fainted. He told me my body couldn’t handle the stress.
I walked out of the dentist wondering why I was so overwhelmed. I was fine, so why was I sick and stressed?
Was it school? Was it work? Was it partying too much?
Although I’m sure they all played a part to the bigger picture, I had realized that I had been so upset because I was holding on to a relationship that just continuously hurt me.
I refused to admit to myself that a childish boy, who didn’t see my worth, broke me a million times again and again.
I refuse to admit that I was sick because I have always been a strong, independent woman, but I realized something.
You can’t be a strong, independent, and a healthy woman without being broken at least a few times.
Maybe this is cheesy, but take for instance, your immune system. You have to get sick so that you can build up your system. That way you are stronger for whatever the future might bring.
Just like your immune system, your heart has to endure heartbreak so that it can grow stronger for the next relationship.
I can’t say that being broken so many times will make the next heartbreak hurt less. It might hurt more. It’s the inevitable consequence or risk of sharing your heart with another. But at least maybe the next time you might handle yourself with more dignity or composure, or just willingness to understand you partner. Experience changes you. Sometimes it can hurt to morph into something new but things change to only improve ones life.