They say the first day is always the hardest. The morning when you wake up after something more than important to you suddenly fails and slams you like a ton of bricks. I think the truth in this darkness is that the hardest day is not the first day but the first night. And then the first night becomes every night that you find yourself waking up at 3:27 in the morning and turn over to find the only arms that you want to crash into. The only arms that held you so tightly that you find nothing but comfort in the suffocation of their affection.
They’re nowhere to be found. Numb. Empty. I’m broken. I tried to escape the solitude of work by getting my shift covered by saying that I was sick. To me, that is not even close to a lie because I am emotionally sick. I would rather be bedridden than think of the times I have to fight to be okay without you. Simply because trying to grasp this cancer of emotion that has overcome my brain and soul feels fatal.
You occupy my every moment, because eve now that I must struggle without you, you consume my every thought. Now I begin to question when I will ever feel like I can function normally again. At the moment that days feels so far. Every time I take a breath I can’t escape the sensation of being underwater because my lungs feel full and uncomfortable. Why? Why would you leave me in the cold like you have? So here I am, I sit here on a shelf for you and I wait. It feels as if I am waiting for you because right now I know that no one can make me feel like you do.
No one can shower my heart with floods of endearment that you gave to me. Why do you insist that I deserve better than you? WHy do you say such things to me? THese words fill me with fire because you at your very worst is more than I will ever want. Nothing is ever guaranteed and your love scares me more than any dark shadow that I encounter on my own at night. Time is my own worst enemy. Not only is it your excuse but the reason that my days seem to drag on indefinitely. And after you fill me with reasons that are nonsense to my heartbroken soul you still reach out for more.
“Baby.” And there I sit under a raincloud searching for some sort of peace. “Wait for me.” How can I say no? Wrapped around your finger round and round with every sweet kiss on my lips. For the grand finale, you will paint my greatest dreams. You will vocalize my desires making them more real than when they first entered my mind. How can you walk away from “the one.” I, to you, am a clean, fresh breath of air mixed in with the pollutants of temptation and distance.
The frequent thought of what would happen to “us” when you grasp your long anticipated diploma. Home. But only for briefly when you mention your heroic return and permanently move in my life. Where you search for a job in the city where we first met before you whisk me away to the place where you will remain forever. I’ve always pictured you as a forever kind of love. The kind you do anything to escape the extinguish of its flame. I know the difference. No, this is not my first. Younger in life you are forced into a fish tank of a small town where you must choose between one or another. As you leave and venture on, you get the beauty of choosing.
You broaden your horizons and you may choose. You surround yourself with the people you choose because they interest you, because they share your desires and your aspirations. And I chose you. And you chose me. BUt only long enough so I could breathe your air and study your imperfections while you slept peacefully beside me. Just long enough that I could replay your laugh over and over and over again in my head every agonizing moment I wasn’t graced with your mesmerizing presence. Just long enough that I could fall in love with every part of you and watch you slip through my fingers.
I hope that sometime, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a year or two, that you look down at your hands and find yourself longing for the feeling of my fingers intertwined with your own. Or maybe when you roll over and reach for me and my vulnerable body lies somewhere else that you will feel the same emptiness that I am feeling now. Or maybe you will see my in the distance, where I am completely unaware of your presence, and you’ll wonder how I would react to the feeling of your fingers running through my hair and kissing my lips with your own once again. I hope you do. And then you’ll wonder how you could ever desire a life without me.
You will never have to explain to me a reason because no reason will ever make a wink of sense to me. And I’ll hold you here with me as I carry through my days. Never forgetting the way you like your coffee (with cream and extra sugar.. Butter Pecan if they have it.) Or perhaps the nickname your mother gave to you when you were young. Or how I love to test your patience with that first entrance into our bed made for two and touch my frigid feet to your warm skin and startle you.
I’ll miss that now that I lay here alone in my bed for one. I’ll never take a single moment that I ever spent with you for granted and I would’ve appreciated it much, much more if I knew that the sun would set for us so soon. I’m glad I could provide you with a real, forever kind of love. You won’t find that often but I wouldn’t want to give mine to anyone but you.