1. When it’s important to be informed
So, where are my eggs going exactly?
2. When you probably need to consult a doctor
Should I start freezing my eggs, because I’m genuinely worried about the state of my eggs and it’s incredibly disconcerting and worrying?
3. When you’re hungover and have just eaten Taco Bell
Am I supposed to be grown by now?
4. When someone carded you for that bottle of wine
What does it say about the state of my life if that was just the highlight of my week?
5. When it’s important to understand if you have a problem
Does drinking an entire bottle of wine on a weeknight to, like, “wind down” make me an alcoholic?
6. When you’re philosophizing about shit you shouldn’t be thinking about
Do you ever get the feeling you’re the only person not running a marathon, having a kid, or buying a house? How are people so adult now?
7. When your true feelings come out
Ok, my 10 year high school reunion is around the corner, but honestly, do I need to go because I feel like every time I go on Facebook, it’s my high school reunion anyway?
8. When you feel old
Why do I suddenly feel like I understand the plight of all parents on TV shows or movies much more than I understand the youths?
9. When you are self-aware
Why is ‘youths’ a word that is now perfectly acceptable in my vocabulary?
10. When you get in the mood to throw a little bit of shade
Do people in their early 20s or even their mid 20s realize how much their life is going to change before they get to my adult level?
11. When you’re a little cranky
Why does every place I go to have to be so goddamn loud? Do people not have conversations anymore?
12. When tequila happens
WHY IS THIS HANGOVER LASTING 3 DAYS? CAN I DIE NOW?
13. When your back hurts for no good reason
Why is my entire body against me forever?
14. When you don’t know wtf anyone is talking about ever
Wtf is a snapchat and do I have to get one?
15. When you’re showing your age, yo
How can those young people put such private details of their life on social networks? Do they want jobs one day?!
16. When the inevitable happens
When did I turn into my mother? Was that, like, an overnight thing?
17. When someone younger than you asks to hang out
What time does it start? 10? Wait, TEN PM AT NIGHT WHEN IT’S DARK TIME!?
18. When you make important plans with yourself
Do I want to read a mystery or a post-apocalyptic novel this Friday?
19. When you have mad respect for people who have procreated
How were my parents my age or younger when they had me and why do I feel like I am not at all equipped to have children? WHY AM I SO TIRED.
20. When you have procreated
How come I feel not at all prepared for motherhood and is every other mother doing it better than me? WHY AM I SO TIRED.
21. When you realize you get to choose what you care about
Isn’t it awesome when I don’t get worked up about the shit I used to get so damn worked up about?
22. When you find out someone was talking shit about you
Hah, what, really? Is this high school?
23. When you get the memo that someone does not like you
Lol, do I care?
24. When you wake up early on the weekends
Who’s getting shit done like a BOSS?!
25. When you can’t understand other people’s choices
Do people still make plans on the weekends? WHYYYYYY? Do they not understand how amazing it is to wake up on a Saturday with absolutely nothing at all to do??
26. When you are clear on what is important and what is not
Ok, but when is happy hour?
27. When you realize you don’t remember what high school was like
IS THIS WHAT FREEDOM FEELS LIKE!?!?
28. When all your friends have gotten on your level
So, a bottle for the table, right?
29. When you realize you are fucking awesome all around and that your 30s are about to become the decade of all decades in your life
Is this the best or is this THE BEST?