12 Things That Happen When You Suck At Drinking


1. I realize I’ve only had a glass and a half of wine so far but yes, I am already half drunk. No, really, please don’t make me drink that…you’re not going to go away until I drink that, are you? Sigh.

2. I’m just gonna casually slip this shot into this empty beer bottle over here when no one is looking because I really don’t feel like throwing up tonight. We do not need a repeat of New Year’s. Screw you, it was so not funny.

3. Sure, let’s have a crazy, drunken night of partying. But you’re gonna have to let me pace myself — oh, we’re going straight for the tequila huh? Sweet, awesome. Yeah, so who’s holding my hair later?

4. I’ve had two drinks and I’m definitely tipsy and everyone else is sober as a board. Act cool dude, act cool. Shit, I laughed way too loud at that, it wasn’t even funny, everyone knows now. Great. Screw you, friend who shall remain nameless. I know I suck at this, okay?!

5. Oh god, oh god, I puked — the night is officially over, someone pull the plug on this party and carry me home. What do you mean I need to “rally?” To hell with that, I’m clearly dying and need to be tucked safely into bed.

6. Is it normal to feel hung over three days later? Oh god, they want to drink again this weekend? How do college kids do this crap all of the time? I can seriously feel my liver crying.

7. I’ve had about three sips of my drink so…. Who’s driving?

8. Yes, kind bartender person, I would like your best drink that tastes the least like alcohol. Thank you.

9. I’m that annoying drunk girl aren’t I? I’m talking too much huh? Can this random dude tell I’m drunk? I really hope I didn’t just tell him out loud that I hate his shirt, but who the hell wears a half-naked chick on their shirt and expects women to take him seriously? Yup, definitely said that out loud. Oh well.

10. I need to reach that delicate and fine balance of being drunk enough to dance but not drunk enough to fall over. This is pure science people, don’t make me mess this up.

11. I’m only allowed to get black out wasted twice a year and I’m kind of saving them for Valentine’s Day and Halloween sooooo, yeah — gonna have to pass.

12. Yes, I know that my Moscato D’asti has basically no alcohol, can you just let me enjoy my fizzy grape juice in peace?! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I feel a bit too old for this, but here we are. – A Memoir by Me

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