20 Things That Prove You’re Selling Out Into Adulthood

The Office
The Office

1. You’ve made an active, conscious effort to deduce when it is and is not appropriate to make ‘that’s what she said’ jokes. You do not want to be Michael Scott from The Office. Or Dwight for that matter… or Creed. Be Jim, yeah… be Jim guys.

2. You find yourself bragging about things like ‘fuel efficiency’ and ‘safety’ when discussing your choice of a new car. Bonus points if it’s a Subaru with a ski-rack.

3. Somewhere inside your house is a whiteboard dedicated to reminding you to pay your bills that also forces you to set a budget.  You both love and hate this whiteboard; it seems to stand for a supreme loss of ‘coolness,’ but it also makes sure your electricity doesn’t get shut off like that one time…

4. Bars/clubs that you once enjoyed maybe even just a year before are now waaaaaaaaaay too loud. Something you’re sure to mention to just about everyone within ear shot as you contentedly sip your over-priced whiskey to the soft muted tune of a dingy bar.

5. You own at least one cardigan and a complete outfit that you absolutely hate but makes you look like you might be a grown up professional that has their shit together. If you’re really lucky, you might notice that you look like your mom/dad and you try not to let this destroy your soul.

6. You have a guest bedroom in your house that is fully furnished and not just a giant closet full of junk that you should really get rid of and a futon couch you stole from your parents.

7. You’re actually capable of having a somewhat intelligent political discussion. And sometimes, you really, really hate yourself for it.

8. You get really excited when things like toilet paper or dish soap are on sale. Buy one get one half price?! GIVE ME ALL THE FABRIC SOFTENERS!

9. Getting drunk on a Friday night instead of watching TV in your underwear and passing out early is sounding less and less appealing. You are not above faking a family illness to get out of what’s sure to be a late night drunk fest.

10. You’ve been caught saying things like ‘wait, so this is what constitutes as music these days?’ or, ‘hold on, Lorde is how old? Fuck my life man. Just seriously fuck it.’

11. You probably take a few giant, horse pill sized vitamins because bone loss is no joke homie. No joke. It’s okay to take them with wine, right?

12. Dow and Nasdaq are no longer mysterious, magical numbers that somehow seem to control the universe through mystical means you can’t comprehend. You only wish they were. Sweet, sweet ignorance.

13. You have a savings account that holds a fair amount of money. Money you’re resolutely not spending on new video games, books, clothes, fancy new house decorations, or really expensive but obviously totally necessary pop-culture items from ThinkGeek. Oh God, my soul… it hurts, it hurts so much.

14. You have these moments where you feel really young, practically still a teenager, and then you pass a group of sixteen year old boys or girls and something in you dies a little bit. It could be your dignity, but you’re not actually certain you still have that after everything that went down in college. Two words my friend: Jello. Shots.

15. One day you wake up and realize that your parents were right about… well, pretty much everything, and it kind of makes you sick inside. Partially because your dad would rub it in your face if you ever admitted it (he’s an asshole) and partially because somewhere deep inside you know your kids (if you ever have any) will never listen to you, either.

16. You and your friends who would once spend hours laughing and joking about stupid shit, now have entire days dedicated to things like, antiquing, or trekking across town to find a matching set of hand towels for your newly painted bathroom.  It’s mildly disgusting.

17. You know that list of all the things you said you’d never do as an adult (like stress about matching your hand towels to the color of your bathroom)? Yeah, you do most of those things now. The added benefit is that at least you have hard liquor to ease the pain.

18. You’ve proudly expressed to others something akin to the following  — “sorry, but I’ve got to work from home tonight, these reports have been catching up with me.” As though this indicates you’re somehow distinguished and important instead of just horribly unmotivated and a serial procrastinator.

19. Where once you were glued to your phone/computer/tablet screen, you now joyfully embrace those moments when it’s socially acceptable to ignore the fifteen texts from a certain friend or the insistent emails from your mother demanding you help her pick out a dress for your cousin’s wedding — even though you both know she’ll just end up picking something totally different anyway. Ah, beautiful disconnect.

20. But, the best way to know if you’ve sold out into adulthood, is if you still do all the childish shit you love but you’ve learned to say ‘fuck it, I do what I want,’ and ignore what everyone else thinks or says about it. Damn right I still watch cartoons on Saturday morning. You can’t take the sky from me! TC mark

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