I kind of enjoy the gym like I kind of enjoy getting up in the morning. Meaning not really at all…. ever. Maybe if there were a fire but only if it were like, a big one or something. But I go, three times a week, because the world and my aging body have informed me it’s a necessary evil. You will never hear me say I love the gym. I don’t, I like it alright sometimes but most of the time I’d rather be at home in my Star Wars fleece pajama pants playing League of Legends (I will be good at that game, god damnit) or reading.
To that end, I have devised a series of daydreams (if I had a super power, it would be daydreaming) that help to motivate me while I barely manage to do three ‘reps’ of bicep curls with two twenty pound weights. Hey, I started at five pounds, progress is progress!
1. The One Where I Rescue my Ex-boyfriend and then Tell Him to Go Fuck Himself.
Let’s ignore all the unresolved issues the above statement includes and focus on what is really important here; me kicking imaginary ass. I’m a great fan of fantasy books, like a fanatic. Is fangirling the term? Pretty sure. But yeah, I eat sleep and dream that imaginary crap. I have this mental storyline where I’m this badass angel chick (I went through a major angelology kick in college, get off my case) who was sent to protect my ex because of some weird reason that varies from sweaty workout to sweaty workout. Anyway, some demons and shit come to try and kill him and I go through this kickass transformation and go all Scar Jo (in Ironman 2, in case you were thinking more along the lines of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’) on their asses. I have these badass wings, killer abs, awesome swordsman ship skills and perfect hair. And then, when it’s all over, he is so grateful and awestruck by my heavenly beauty he begs me to be with him again. I say, in the most badass voice ever, “Go fuck yourself,” and sashay my way off set as some sort of random explosion takes place behind me.
2. The One Where I Get the Big Promotion Over My Sexist Co-worker and Tell Him to Go Fuck Himself
I’ve been promoted several times since I was hired three years ago and I’ve been honored and humbled by all of them. I didn’t really view their attainment as a competition and I was surprised to be offered any of them. There will shortly be a Senior Field Engineering position opening up because one of my co-workers (all men, by the way) will be retiring. A certain sexist peer of mine believes he will be offered the position, in fact, he is certain of it. I have never wanted to crush someone’s hopes and dreams so much in my life. I mean, I just don’t even care that it’s vindictive and immature. Screw him, okay? I want that damn position even if I don’t really want it. And in my dreams I show up in a classy office get up (I typically wear jeans and t-shirts to work because it’s a lab/tech environment) and saunter through the halls in heels (which I never wear) to accept my promotion from the head of our division while The Sexist seethes in the corner. I then flick him off casually behind my back as said division director takes me out to a nice lunch. This usually gives me at least ten minutes of extra, malicious push on the treadmill.
3. The One Where I Write a Famous Book and Say Fuck You to Everyone Who Doubted Me
Alright, so my day dreams tend to center around the bitter and self-righteous, I can admit it. Whatever it takes to get through my forty five minutes of self mutilation, okay!? This one is rather self explanatory and it stars me as a J.K. Rowling-esque character minus the sweet accent and humble attitude. I want to be like the Justin Beeber of the fantasy writer world and shove it in all my former doubters’ throats. I flaunt my fame and brilliance just as the Beebs flaunted his girl-child voice and perfect hair. I bask in their jealousy as I arrive at all my book signings and movie premiers (because, obviously, they are going to make fantastic movies about my work, which of course won’t be as good, but will still carry an army of adoring fans). I will be thin, rich, and beautiful. Not to mention stunningly smart.
I’m also 100% positive these thoughts are probably building me an insurmountable wall of negative karma that will ensure I never publish a damn thing. Ah well, I burned 600 calories though!
4. The One Where There Are Zombies and I Become a Kick-Ass Zombie Killing Duo with my Eight Year Old Daughter
You might be thinking ‘at last! One that that doesn’t involve resentment and revenge’ but you would be wrong my friend, you would be way wrong. Because what better way to validate double tapping the people you hate than a zombie apocalypse where I also happen to look like what’s her nuts from ‘Underworld’? Insert my adorable blonde offspring armed with machete, hand gun and crossbow and we become the most kick ass mother daughter team ever. This typically gets me through the ‘legs’ portion of my work outs.
5. The One Where I Fall into Middle-Earth and Aragorn Forsakes Arwen Because I’m Just That Amazing…
I could expand upon this one…. But I think I’ll just let your imaginations run wild. Also, I’m concerned what typing out this particular fantasy would indicate about my mental wellbeing and I’m just not ready to face that shit. Okay!?
Anyway, feel free to borrow any of these little daydreams to carry you through your workout routines. Just be careful you don’t start acting them out with unsuspecting muscled men who probably don’t want to play Aragorn in your sick Lord the Rings fantasies. Trust me.