10 Things Every Girl Does After A Break-Up

The Break-Up (Widescreen Edition)
The Break-Up (Widescreen Edition)

1. Gets drunk.

And I mean throw up, pass out, take off her panties in public because she foolishly wore the lacy black ones that itch, drunk — interspersed, of course, with much wise and depressing man hating advice that has the power to sink its teeth into unwary bystanders like some sort of horrific landshark. This can be a one night thing or a self destructive phase depending on the girl and the severity of the break up, but I have yet to meet or become friends with a girl who has not done this in one form or another. It’s as necessary as crappy love songs and chocolate/ice cream binging.

2. Drives past ex’s house and/or place significant to said ruined relationship.

Many of you will read the above and scoff and call such behavior ‘crazy’, which it totally and undeniably is, but it’s also completely true, trust me. I’ve done it (in the form of crying outside my ex’s apartment complex at three in the morning after only two drinks and watching my friend and her boyfriend gush over each other all night, whilst eating half a slice of pizza that I stole from a drunk guy who probably wasn’t really hitting on me), my little sister has done it, my independent and typically hard-assed roommate has done It –we’ve all been there, sister. Be not ashamed!

3. FaceBook stalks her ex and any girl’s pictures he has liked let alone commented on.

In a world of constant social media contact, this one should be pretty obvious and is totally self destructive. It’s like when you’ve got a piece of food stuck in your teeth and your tongue won’t leave that mother f’er alone; you can’t help but type in that name (after having self-righteously ‘unfriended’ him) and flip through however many pictures his privacy settings allow and then hunt down every comment he’s made on your mutual friends’ posts. And God help him if he speaks to even one of your close female friends on that hellacious website, or gets a new girlfriend before you get a new boyfriend. Lord, have mercy on that woman’s soul.

4. Writes really awful poetry.

I don’t care if you’ve never read a poem outside of a college/high school literature class; if you’re a girl and you’ve been dumped by a guy you really liked, you’ve written shitty poetry about the all consuming pain his untimely rejection has caused you. Just try and stop yourself before you publish it somewhere on the web where people you know can find it… like I have…

5. Stops shaving.

This is both a feminist battle cry against being forced to remove all hair from our bodies to please evil, life sucking men, as well as a valid excuse to be lazy and disgusting. Because, as all recently heartbroken women know, who the hell cares if your legs are so hairy they catch on your sheets like a wire brush when you get into bed? We’re single, bitches.

6. Tell anyone who will listen how bad their ex was in bed.

Hey guys, remember that one time with your ex-girlfriend where you very obviously farted during climax (does anyone still use that word outside of cheesy romance novels anymore?) and she pretended not to hear it? Or that one time she had been on her period for like, six months, and she got mad at you for looking at lesbian porn so when you finally did get to sleep with her, you ‘climaxed’ (yup, still using it) in approximately thirty seconds? Yeah, well, now all your mutual friends know about them, too. And God help you if your penis is average or the thirty second thing happened more than once. Actually, never mind, she’s gonna tell everyone you have a small dick, anyway.

7. Reinvents herself in some way.

Whether it be a new drastic, edgy hair cut (no I will not reference Miley Cyrus here, damnit) or a full tattoo sleeve and piercings on her ‘lady parts’, every girl does this in one form or another after a big break up. This phase typically ends in a lot of regretful reflection and cringe worthy photos to enjoy for many years to come.

8. Suddenly motivated to do all those things she wanted to do but never did because of her ‘evil’ ex.

Similar to #7 but special in its own right. Every girl who’s recently been the dumper or the dumpee, especially after a long relationship, will suddenly become Miss. Determination. This can take many forms. I mean, what better way to show your ex what a mistake he made for letting you get away, then becoming super successful and Megan Fox skinny (first celebrity that came to mind; call me crazy but I feel like she might smell bad, like old fish or something). For some it is simply going back to school or applying for that really cool job out of state that they simply couldn’t take because they were so in love. For others it’s as drastic as quitting their jobs, moving away from home and trying to make a living off of writing mediocre articles on the internet. Not talking about anyone specific here, of course.

9. Goes through, what I like to call, a ‘floozy’ stage.

Like many things on this list, this varies from woman to woman, but still holds almost universally true. The longer the committed relationship, the more drastic this stage can be. For one of my friends this amounted to getting drunk (see #1) and systematically making out porno style with every member of a large bachelor party and then coming home with me and passing out on my bed fully clothed. Rude. Or, in the case of another friend, who went a bit more extreme, sleeping with four of his closest friends and then being sure to text him about each one afterwards. Me? I’m a known post-break up sexter, I’ve come to terms with it. Figure you can’t get an STD or pregnant and I don’t have to put on pants or brush my hair as an added bonus.

10. Goes through an Irritating phase of self-discovery:

If you or any of your friends have recently gone through a tough break up, chances are self help books are about to get involved, big time. From He’s Just Not That Into You, to , heartbroken girls worldwide have found solace in the words of comedic nut jobs and witty commentary on situations they can relate to since cave women first scrawled fat stick figures of their ex-boyfriends new girlfriend on cave walls(I’m convinced this is totally true). If you’re an innocent bystander in this phase prepare yourself to hear a lot about the latest mediation exercises, or how ‘freeing’ yoga can be or even how some knock off modern brand of Buddhism is exactly what they needed (think Eat, Pray, Love, minus swoon worthy James Franco). And if you’re as big a sucker as I am, be prepared to join in on some of these activities as moral support, just keep the people who force you into these things in mind so you can be sure to return the favor when your turn inevitably comes along. TC Mark

I feel a bit too old for this, but here we are. – A Memoir by Me

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