1. “Talking.” Need I say more? This was the new form of dating, and it was really nothing more than just… talking. But you couldn’t talk to anybody else like this and it wasn’t actually talking as much as it was texting and IMing.
2. Instant-rejection complex from shows like Next and Room Raiders. MTV seriously freaked us out with the dating scene because if someone doesn’t like how you look you’ll be alone and back on the bus left to bitch with the other contenders. Worse, one day you may unexpectedly get pulled out of your house and put in the back of a van while prospective dates who you do not know analyze your room to make judgments about you.
3. “Ex-boyfriends are off-limits to friends. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism.”
4. How to stalk your crush, prior to ease-of-access Facebook. Xanga gives you a play by play from their own perspective, so, gold mine obviously. And if you need to stay updated on their relationship status just make sure their AIM profile doesn’t say: 4/28-F0REVER iLYSM BABE ♥
5. That you’re everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes it’s you I see.
About The Internet:
6. That if you want to seem put-together, make sure your AIM profile and Instant Messenger fonts/colors coordinate. Also, keep up to date on having away messages that replace O’s with zeros, g’s with q’s and lyric quotes that are designed in boxes and perfectly align when highlighted. Times New Roman 12 and “I’m away from my computer right now” will not cut it.
7. That chatrooms were potentially dangerous and the internet was full of hidden threats but you were invincible, so no worries. Also, you only talked to your friends in a chatroom anyway, lolololololololz.
8. That you need to define who is your friend and who is not. So your AIM profile needs a section with the initials of your friends and your Myspace can’t just be left to have the default people there like Tom. You need to tell these people whether or not they made the cut.
9. That you need to keep an eye out for who of your friends is psychic and is trying to scheme to make sure your life works out RAVEN BAXTER.
10. Your place in your group of friends, that being, whether you’re the Monica, Rachel or Phoebe.
About Life Skills:
11. How to take a proper selfie, which is so much more difficult with a digital camera. What will usually work is just one arm extended above your head, facing forward, and glancing up at the camera with angst. Throw some Evanescence lyrics in the caption and you’re good.
12. How to play DDR.
13. What high school life is supposed to be like, à la Laguna Beach.
14. That it was okay to do really creepy things like make dolls on Dollmakerz and dress them up in all these weird and sometimes perverted outfits or wear pants that said things like “Angel” or “Princess” on the behind…
15. Here’s the concept: you want to look like you have old, worn, ripped jeans, but you’re going to pay $75+ for them at A&F because they are ripped in a certain way and it’s so ironic, lol.
16. How to rock the geek chic phase. Things you will need: Hot Topic, a streak of unnaturally colored hair, a lot of rubber bracelets, a stance on the Green Day vs. Blink-182 debacle, a studded belt, Vans, something with a black and white checkered pattern and a lot of eyeliner.
17. Alternatively, pop yo colla.
18. Other style staples: Von Dutch hats, Juicy Couture tracksuits, chinese slippers and volatile sneakers. But other than that, just brand yourself to death and you should be good.