When I think of the things I wish I knew five years ago, I’m wrought with both shame for having been so immature and naïve, and yet also inspiration, seeing how far I’ve come. Some of the things I wish I knew back then are probably the things I am going to wish I were more conscious of in five years from now.
I wish I knew that a “normal” life isn’t so definitive. I was so afraid of just being average, ordinary. I wish someone could have explained to me what I was actually afraid of: not living my life before it passed me by. I wish I knew that the only real measure of success and normalcy is your own gauge of it. I wish someone would have told me to calm down and enjoy where I was, because I’d miss it eventually. I wish someone would have told me that the things I would remember in a few years from now are not how concerned I was about my weight (which was nothing to be concerned about, by the way) or how disappointed I was in myself. I wouldn’t remember the days I spent loathing and lamenting, but I would remember the key moments that defined that period in my life. Not the thousands of moments I spent unnecessarily upset.
I wish I knew that what I would remember as the good times were the point where I didn’t care about anything other than enjoying myself. I still remember a specific period of time where I honestly accepted myself, and did what I wanted because I wanted to. The rest of the time I spent I worried that I wasn’t good enough. Good enough for my friends, whether or not I had real friends, good enough for the college I wanted to go to, for my parents, for anybody to ever love me.
I had opened the door and was taking the first steps down into what would become the darkest period of my life. 5 years ago was the first point where I should have seen the warning signs and done something. I wish someone would have told me that it’s okay to get help. It’s okay to do something. It’s okay to think you’re worthy enough to have a beautiful life. I wish someone would have told me I was worthy.
I wish someone would have told me all the things I could, and would, become. I wish someone would have said to me, Brianna, you are more than just “good enough.” You know all the great things that you’re capable of. You just have to get up and do them. I wish someone would have told me that the “someone” I wished would tell me these things was myself. Because more than anything, I wish that someone would have told me that the only person I was looking to please was me. I was the problem and I was the answer all along. I don’t know how it took so many years and so many different people to figure out.