I wonder if after I die, I’ll be able to see my life with clarity. I don’t know how my consciousness will manifest outside of a physical, human body, but speaking in the senses that I now understand, I wonder how I’ll be able to see my experiences. I also wonder if I’ll see them in comparison to what they could have been. I want to see my sister lives, I guess. The lives I didn’t live because I chose otherwise. The things I missed, and the things I avoided. The things I managed to free myself from.
I know there is some majestic higher power, and I know that in conjunction with this higher power, I have decided a route for myself. I know there are end-goals and things I need to learn, parts of me that I have to develop, things I have to experience. But I also know that there are different ways to get there, be there and experience.
The lives we didn’t choose can haunt us. Most commonly in the forms of guilt and regret. They’re the envisioning of everything that could have been, if only we had let them be. But rarely do we look back on the things that we could have had to suffer through if we hadn’t chosen otherwise. More often, we acknowledge how life directed us (even despite our most adamant refusal) so we could avoid hardship. We sometimes don’t take responsibility for the things we’ve changed, because at the time, they may have seemed like the obvious choice. Other times, some greater force that has guided us thus far took over. We sometimes call this fate.
Today someone told me to picture my life at 40. I did. Most of it, I liked. There were parts I didn’t. I sat for a few minutes, worrying about these aspects of my future life, and a realization hit me across the face. I have to change these things now. This is the life I’m going to live if I stay on the same path. I can change. I will change. I do choose otherwise. That life I pictured today will be a ghost that I forget about because I’ll have more important things happening. Why? Because fate is an act of your own volition.