12 Life Lessons You’ve Learned From Your Cat

1. It’s better to sit by the window and gaze out at the world judging the hell out of everyone than actually be out experiencing it. In fact, remaining inside is always preferable. Home is where the snacks are.

2. Cats used to be worshipped in ancient Egypt and no cat will let you forget this. Some would call this having quiet confidence. I call this quietly demanding the respect your goddess ass deserves.

3. Anytime is nap time and anywhere is a suitable place for it.

4. You don’t need to obnoxiously bark like an asshole to send a message. A subdued but powerful, occasional hiss is much more effective. Apply this as a metaphor to your life.

5. It’s best to hate everyone at first and then decide to be okay with a few people eventually. Cats just innately do this and it’s honestly brilliant.

6. In general, people are horrible. Retreat. Avoid. Ignore.

7. There are only a select few people who deserve your love. They can be differentiated from the rest of the humans by how frequently they pet and feed you.

8. Meowing is actually the universal language.

9. You should always make sure that the three people you can tolerate know that you love them.

10. “Fall seven times, stand up eight” is a great life lesson, but you know what’s better? Owner throws you off the kitchen table eight times, land on your feet like the bad ass you are eight times.

11. Always be slightly elusive and mysterious to people. It keeps them coming back for more. It’s like the humans love the cat and mouse game, which actually isn’t a game but whatever. The way you show love for people is by killing rodents and leaving them at their front door.

12. People who really love you are going to love you regardless of how much of an antisocial asshole you are. Furriness/cuddliness will always make up for what you lack in social skills. TC Mark

Brianna Wiest

My new book on self-sabotage is out now.

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