The worst part about this is that it was never my idea. I never dreamed about my wedding day. I never needed someone to make me feel as if I had worth. Then I met you and something changed in me.
Having someone to rely on felt surprisingly good. This was a level of vulnerability I hadn’t felt before. You were the one person who could take me down. You could kill me, you could crush me and worse, I feared that one day I would let you do that.
Months and years passed and I waited for the other shoe to drop. You stood by me when I wished I could’ve left myself behind, if only for a while. For the first time, I didn’t want to run. Even if I did, I knew I likely wouldn’t get far from you. You were my first love who I had thought would be my only love.
Then, you left. After promising to love me always.
You had been so sure from the start. You made me believe in love at first sight. You made me feel it. I trusted you would never leave. I’d never felt so abandoned. Why make me feel so loved and promise me your future when you were never going to start a life with me?
You buried me with your broken promises and left me on my own to unearth myself from the rubble you created. You didn’t even care about me enough to be truthful. You exaggerated a mental illness instead of telling me this was about a girl.
I would have thought you’d respected me enough to own up to your true reasons for leaving. Instead, you broke me. You left. When you said you would be the one who wouldn’t leave, who couldn’t leave.
As if that wasn’t enough, you gave me false hope that we could still have a future together. I told everyone it was a hiatus; you just needed some time to yourself to get better.
I actually felt bad for you. You preyed on my sensitivities and my kindness and made me pity a man who was merely guilty that he changed his mind. I am ashamed to have let you into my head, my heart, and my body. You knew what you were doing. I was owed more than this. You gave me a ring and that represented a promise. Everyone has a right to change their mind but I also have a right to be upset.
You don’t get to call me petty for being angry with you for starting to date someone the month after you broke off our engagement.
You don’t get to talk to me in the tone that you used. You probably tell everyone I’m immature but the truth is that you made me believe in something I didn’t think was real and then you took it away. You sold me a fairy tale and then you revealed that those don’t exist. Do you know how fucked that is?
In the back of my mind, I guess I was never sure about you but I was committed nonetheless. There were moments when you had me so convinced that we were doing the right thing. In a way, I should thank you for freeing me to find someone capable of providing the love I deserve.
After all of this, I’m still here. I’m alive. You haven’t stopped me from living. It’s so easy to be defined by heartbreak, to become a modern-day Miss Havisham. I could easily become the subject of friends and acquaintance’s whispers tinged with pity.I’ve chosen to let go rather than dwell on my shattered expectations and perceived failures.
One day you’ll wake up and realize you wasted all your life on all these relationships that have never and will never make you feel whole. I’m relieved that I won’t be spending my life being your emotional crutch, even if that means you’ll never be able to stand on your own.
At the end of the day, the only person I can rely on is myself and now I’m confident that is enough.