I Guess I’ve Always Loved You More

Tomas Jasovsky

It breaks my heart to say you’re gone.

Most people would agree with this statement if they didn’t know the real you. But I do and there isn’t a day where I don’t love you.

People deserve to know just how shitty you are, but does that make me a shitty person too? For humiliating you yet still wanting to love you. At first it was great, kind of like the old fairytales or something u would see in movies, we were absolutely and hopelessly in love.

Well, at least I was. We stayed out till early morning driving around blasting the radio, sitting in abandoned parking lots and stealing soft perfect kisses from one another. You kept me warm when the snow hit the concrete outside, you were my everything and you were my only thing. Some days I’m haunted with our past but it’s the good things that get me the most. The times when you would tickle me until I laughed so hard it was only the air you could hear and I hated you for that because you knew the exact places to make me laugh.

When your hands touched my flushed cheeks and your thumb glided over the wet tears falling from my eyes. You knew how alone I was. The memory of us looking at the beautiful sparkling stars and talking about our futures. But the one that haunts me the most is when you said those three little words.

“I love you.”

I could hear your voice shake and your piercing blue eyes looking straight at me, I put my head down to hide my happiness and I grabbed your hand and whispered into your ear “I love you more”. I saw your smile and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I wanted you so badly. Although the good memories haunt me there are still the bad ones, the ones I try to forget, when we got into an argument and you wouldn’t stop cursing names under your breath. When I would hear you beg for me to stay in your car after getting out because your hands kept touching the most sacred parts of my body, when I exposed my vulnerability to you, and you took me for granted leaving my raw self, sit there wondering what I did wrong.

Thinking why I wasn’t beautiful enough for you. Your arms were the safest yet the most dangerous feeling of being in. I watched you text girls vulgar messages making sure to add in “don’t tell my girlfriend” but I let it slide by because I thought that it’s what I deserved. In some ways, I still think that.

I hate myself more than ever because now I can’t turn myself off.. you sneak girls into your room through your window while I sit here turning my back on every nice guy that wanted me to give them a chance because I. Settled. For. You. At night my mind and my heart are at war with one another. It’s a constant battle and no one seems to be winning, except you I guess. You will always have your “hoes” and your “side chicks” and come to think of it, maybe that’s all I was to you, maybe I didn’t see that and you were only with me longer because you were still trying to get in my pants and to infect my brain with your diseases called memories.

I knew falling in love with you was the worst mistake ever, because you weren’t the type to bring home to mom and dad, sit down and have a meal. You were the “bad boy” “the partier”, and “the player” no one ever saw you as “the sweet guy” “the positive one” because you weren’t.

But that’s what I chose to believe you could be, what I thought you had potential to be.

Everyone saw the real you but I was stuck behind this clear yet so foggy pane of glass. I just wanted to save you. The right guys would hate the way you treat girls. I was your puppet and you knew it from the very beginning. But that’s over now, will I say your name.? No I won’t because if everyone knew who you were you would get the attention you wanted.

I know you’re gonna read this and I want you to know I’m not yours, you’re not mine, I’m me and you’re you two completely different people, two completely different visions and views of “love” going our separate ways once and for all. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog