I always thought that people who have such short relationships didn’t know what they were doing, but now I realize how wrong I was. My first and only official relationship lasted all of three days. Three. And now I get it.
To make a long story short, he didn’t know himself and he lied to me for months leading up to the start of our official relationship. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and it took me showing how serious I was to make him realize just how wrong he was for me. The day after it ended, I needed to just get out and not think about the pain of how much deceit he admitted to. So my friend and I went to the mall. That’s when it hit me how I would get over him.
I will leave him behind piece by piece, until there’s nothing left. I will spread my memories of him so thin and so far that I can’t find enough of them to put the puzzle back together.
In the changing room, I left my first piece of him behind: him asking for nudes and when I said no, asking to see me naked in person the next time we saw each other. Since he wanted to see me without clothing, I left the idea of taking off my clothes in that dressing room, and it was honestly a very liberating thing to do. I went into that changing room feeling objectified and left feeling empowered.
I know it’s going to be hard at first, because I have so many fond memories with him too. He was such a good person to me. He really put in effort, and he always tried to make sure I was happy and okay. I don’t know if he was a good person with some bad qualities or if he was a bad person with some good qualities. I guess I will never know. All I know is that there is a lot that I have to leave behind. I will start small. I will start with the little things, the easily forgivable things, until I no longer see them. Until the only things left of him are the awful things he said. Until the bad really does outweigh the good in my mind. And then I will get rid of those.
Today is my second day of moving on, and I’m not sure what I will leave behind or where. I don’t want to leave anything in a place I go to on a regular basis or a place that I enjoy. I want to become indifferent, to become neutral.
You can only carry your baggage for so long until it’s time to unpack the suitcase. I’m home from the trip that was our relationship. Now it’s time to unpack. It’s time to unpack both the good and bad memories until my suitcase is empty and I can begin that journey with someone else.
Now I know I can trust my feelings and that even though I have anxiety, my fears are still valid. I hope the next person I fall in love with fills my suitcase with only the good things. I hope the next person is 100% honest from the beginning. I hope the next person doesn’t lie to me about using substances to control his anger and make him feel good. And I sure hope the next person doesn’t turn out to view committed relationships such as marriage as, in his exact words, being “locked down to one vagina” for the rest of his life.