1. The Single DILF/MILF
Hi. Yes, I am hitting on you and yes, I am aware that you don’t have a ring on your finger and I don’t even care that you have a toddler sitting on your lap. I’m going to have every other waiter in the restaurant come ogle at your attractiveness and I’m not ashamed if you catch me staring at you. I realize that you could probably be twice my age but that’s not what I’m thinking about. Don’t worry, most of us won’t make it that obvious that we think you’re a DILF/MILF, and no, we won’t ask anything personal about your significant other or how many other kids you have. You’re just nice eye candy that we enjoy every once in a while.
Alright, not every DILF/MILF are single, sadly, and I will probably glance at you a few times but I don’t want your wife/husband to think I’m creeping so I’ll stay away, but just know you are a gorgeous human being.
2. The Family
I love you guys, for the most part. I don’t mind if your kid spills their drink and I have to get another one — if you’re polite. I don’t mind if it takes you a little longer to order — if you’re nice to me. But if your child is standing on the booth singing “Let it Go” and you’re not stopping them, I hate you. I’m sure you’re aware that your child doesn’t sound like Idina Menzel or Kristen Bell, but you’re clearly unaware that your child is now disturbing the whole restaurant. Everyone is giving you death glances from across the way, but you are so oblivious to how bothersome it is that you don’t stop them. And on top of that you get pissed off when a manager tells you, you need to quiet your kid. You realize you’re not the only table in here, right? Don’t go out to eat if you can’t control you’re little beasts. Also if I ask how old your son is, for the love of God, don’t say 42 and a half months.
3. The Large Party
Oh boy, it’s your daughter’s 2nd birthday? Tell me why it’s necessary to call all your relatives from out of town to have a grand dinner party at my restaurant. Don’t be fooled by our fake smiles we plaster on before we greet you, we are not excited to serve you. We have had too many bad experiences and I’m sorry but we aren’t going to expect anything more from you. I don’t care if one person in your party of 20 doesn’t know what they want yet, I am going to start writing down the other’s orders because it is going to take me 20 minutes to get through this. I do apologize if I come off pushy but the host just sat me again, my other table has a complaint and I’m not even halfway done. Once I am done taking your order it would be great if you saved your drink for the meal instead of me having to refill 15 sweet teas every 5 minutes. Also don’t ignore me when I’m delivering your food; if I look like I’m handing you a plate, please take it, it’s hot and I no longer have fingerprints. If it’s not your food, I apologize but my extend-o-arms can’t reach six feet in front of me, have you ever heard of passing? And then the check — yes, I will split every single one of your bills if you would like, but don’t say “I’m paying for little Johnny.” I don’t know who that is and odds are you’re going to have a random meal put on your bill. And no, I will not split your fried pickles order 9 ways.
4. The Loner
If you’re in a rush and by yourself, I like you. You have a 30 minute lunch break and you know what you want when you walk in the door. Thank you. Now if you come in by yourself and open up your iPad, newspaper, or book, you need to walk out those doors and go somewhere else. I understand that you have some catching up to do on 50 Shades of Grey for your middle-age crisis book club, but here is not the time or place, do that in the privacy of your own home please
5. The “I’m Gluten Free”
If you are allergic to dairy, pepper, wheat, nuts and red meat, I don’t know why you’re eating out. Go home and make yourself a meal. I will try my best to tell the kitchen about your complex diet and weak stomach but don’t blame me when you go home and kill your bathroom. And to the customers who are lying about your allergies? We know, especially when you order no butter on your baked potato but I saw you shove three rolls in your mouth before I got to your table.
6. The Asshole
There are so many varieties of the asshole.
There are the Old People Assholes: To you old, rude people, I hope I never see you again. You think you know it all since you’ve been around since 1901, but really you’re just closed-minded and have a short temper. I don’t want your opinions on my tattoos and gauges and don’t think you’re complementing me if you say I’m too pretty for said tattoos and piercings. It’s my body, back off and I already have two sets of old people breathing down my neck about it.
Then there are The Complainer Assholes: I am truly sorry that your salad bowl is too cold for you and your steak has too many grill marks on it, if you think you’re some chef, be my guest and go in the back and complain to them. I’m your server. I don’t make your salads and cook your food. If something is wrong with your meal, don’t yell at me and tell me I’m “ruining your mother’s birthday” because you’re the real problem. Also don’t tell me you’re not going to pay for something. If you’re not going to eat it and we can’t do anything for you, my manager will take it off your bill, but the last thing I was to hear when I’m helping another table is, “Did you hear me? I’m not paying for this!” Yes, asshole, I heard you the first ten times. Now go back to your table, sit your happy ass down, and put a smile on your face because people are starting to stare. Oh, and thanks for the big fat zero on my tip line. Do you feel better?
The “Last Time I Came Here” Assholes: I am sorry that the last time you came here, we had baked beans, but for the last time, we took that off our menu two years ago and no we aren’t going to special make them for you because they were your favorite side dish. Now learn how to read our menu or go home.
The Last Minute Asshole: If you come in 10 minutes before we close, you are considered an asshole, no exceptions.
Then there’s just The Regular Asshole: I can’t do anything to make you happy and you have something rude to say every time I come by. I can’t wait for you to leave and I am sorry for whatever put you in this terrible mood but a restaurant is the last place you should go if you’re in a bad mood. I’ll take it like a champ but I’m not going to go out of my way to bring you an extra side of ranch or get you a to-go drink. You deserve to have cotton mouth on the way home.
7. The Comedian
Yes, my name is “Bri” like the cheese, and no this is not the first time I’ve heard that joke, and no, I don’t appreciate being called the “cheese lady,” but I’m not going to tell you that. I will still laugh at your joke and watch as your family rolls there eyes. The comedian can be an entertaining guest that can brighten my hour but will eventually get forgotten. For the most part, we have heard every joke in the book, thanks for the effort though. Just because my shirt says “I love my job” doesn’t mean you have to make a comment about it, and no, they don’t pay us to wear it.
Side note, if you’re going to make a joke about anything involving my tip or the bill, I will spit in your food. Just kidding, but really we’re all poor and worried about making this month’s rent, don’t joke about it.
8. The Flirt
Thank you for being nice to me, but no, I don’t want to grab a coffee on my break; no, I don’t want to give you my number and I definitely don’t want to see what you look like in the morning. I find it humorous when a customer thinks we are hitting on them when really we are just being polite. In reality, I would be fired if I told you to back the fuck off for being a pervert. You think you’re smooth by asking for my number and all I can think about is how to avoid this awkward situation and still get a good tip. Thank you for the gesture, but I’m going to go tell everyone in the back how creepy you were.
9. The Drunk
You are loud and obnoxious, but the bartender won’t turn you away because she is going to get a big tip out of you, even if it is 20 minutes past closing and I have to wait for all the guests to leave. You are not to be confused with the flirt or comedian but could be a mix of the two after you’ve thrown a few back. There’s a bar across the street, buddy, you need to get out of here.
10. The Long-Lost Friends
I am so glad that you have found each other once again and are talking about all your memories together and everything that has changed in your life. But please get out of my section, now. I am going to interrupt you mid-sentence, I’m not trying to be rude but y’all put up this force field making it impossible for me to politely ask you what you want to order. I like that I don’t have to talk to you guys but I don’t like being ignored. When I’m asking how you want to pay the bill and you guys start to fight over it, just realize I am internally screaming at you. Whatever you do, you long-lost friends, please don’t stay here all night. I can point you in the direction of seven different Starbucks if you want to just hang out and chat.
11. The Waiter/Waitress
I respect that you too are a waiter/waitress, but realize that I am only taking extra good care of you because I know you’re judging my every movement. I’m not really interested in your horror stories about the table you had that one night because I am probably having a table like that right now. Also if you are or have been a waiter you should know to not chill in my section all night. You of all people know that we need to turn and burn those suckers and I don’t want you staying there, no matter how much we have in common. I don’t go to restaurants and tell my waiter that I am also a waiter because I don’t want to expect anything more from them than I already do. Respect the waiter code, sit down, order, pay, leave.
12. The Compliment Tipper
If you write on the bill “excellent service” or “outstanding job” but leave a 10% tip, know that we despise you. Thank you for the kind words, did you know that my bank will accept these compliments for paying off my credit card bill? Just stop. If you don’t have enough money to tip well, then don’t come out to eat. I’m glad you thought I was nice and had good service but that’s not really what I’m looking for. If I did a good job, you can show me by tipping me.
13. The Geeks
You guys are the best. I love your “I am the Doctor” t-shirts, pink wigs, Deathly Hallows tattoos, and your insight on the world of Rivendell. However, don’t pull out your HearthStone and Pokémon cards and have a full-out battle, it’s weird. And now I just think that you’re going to stay here all night until your Charmander beats his Blastoise. It’s just not going to happen, sorry bro. Like I’ve said, I can point you in the direction of seven different Starbucks, or I’m sure one of your parents’ basements is open for the night. Otherwise y’all are interesting people and we have a lot in common and I’m thrilled when you draw on my receipts and tip well.
14. The Teenagers
We all see you walk in with your young, acne-ridden faces and daddy’s credit card, and we run. You don’t know the first thing about being in a restaurant, how to order for yourself, how to be quiet, or how to tip us. Granted, there are a few teenagers that will surprise us from time to time. Especially if you are included in the Waiter/Waitress category, because they understand how a restaurant works. But can’t you all just stay home and let your parents cook for you? I wish my mom still made me dinner every night. Also I hate you for making me refill your half sweet/unsweet, strawberry with a splash of raspberry tea six times.
15. The Regulars
Please sit in our section, request us as your server. Hell, sit out of our section, across the street and down a block and we will come running for you. If you are polite, tip well, and understand the basic concepts of our job, everyone will love you, know your order back to front, and nothing will ever come out wrong. Now if you are a regular, but you smell bad, tip poorly, and always ask to sit in “the blonde’s section,” we will know you, we will hate you. Go home, take a shower, find something more interesting than the blondes at our restaurant to be infatuated with, and don’t be a regular here.
16. The First-Time Guests
Welcome to (insert restaurant here). I will gladly tell you our veggie of the day and explain what comes on your filet salad. But if you don’t understand the difference between medium-rare and medium, or what ranch dressing tastes like, then you’re gonna have a bad time. The last thing I want is a clueless table that has seemed to have never eaten out. Ever. Were you born yesterday? If so, welcome to planet Earth, please get your shit together.