I’ve decided to share my story with the hopes that someone will have an explanation as to what happened to me.
It’s disturbing, disgusting, and embarrassing, but I need to know if I should be concerned about my future. The medical staff, my friends, and my family all have their hypothesis on the case, but I know someone, somewhere out there on the web will have a sure-fire answer for me.
So, here goes nothing!
About three years ago, I went on a hunting trip to Monga Bay, Africa. It was just a few of us guys, and we wanted to rough it out like true men. So we double and triple checked to make sure we had all the supplies we needed: tent, cooler, food, beer, water, blankets, pillows, etc.
The trip went great! I loved sleeping out in the open terrain. Did you know that the sky literally quadruples the number of stars you can see when you are in a deserted area like that? It was truly amazing, and I will never forget that awesome trip I had with my dudes.
We only stayed for a weekend.
How long can you last in the wilderness before you start aching for a real bed? For us, it was a total of three days. The first night was great. We sat around our campfire, saw a couple shooting stars, and called it an early night since we would be hunting the whole next day.
I felt just peachy on the second day, I had a blast and had absolutely nothing to worry about. The second night was when my mystery started. We were gathered around the campfire, once again, mapping out constellations in the sky, and drinking ourselves silly.
We knew that the next day, we would be coming home to reality, so we figured that we might as well get drunk off our asses on our last night. That’s exactly what happened, we drank ourselves to oblivion, blacking out in the process. I slightly remember waking up in the middle of the night to take a piss. I was still hammered and barely functioning at this point. I pulled down my pants, started to go, and then I woke up and it was morning. Damn blackouts.
“Damn bro! I expected to see the sun this morning, but not the moon!”
The guys teased me all morning about it, but I wasn’t that embarrassed considering we were all good friends. However, I would have been appreciative if my pants were pulled up before I blacked out in the middle of the wild.
We started to pack up camp when the pain began to set in. My stomach felt like it had a massive case of diarrhea wiggling down my intestines. I didn’t think anything of this. We had drunk so much alcohol, I figured I just had the beer shits coming after me.
I was terribly wrong.
The pain was insistent, so I excused myself and ran towards some bushes to take a squat. By now, I was excited to relieve myself, except, nothing came out. I repeatedly tried to push, but to no avail, nothing came out. I had been down this road many times before and chalked it up to constipation.
Ok, so no big deal so far. I figured we were headed home anyway, so I would just take a laxative when we got home.
The flight was horrible as the pain grew inside me, and the long car ride home was even worse. I finally stepped foot into my home and dropped to my knees in pain. It felt like my intestines were moving with a mind of their own.
I quickly inserted the suppository and laid in bed until it kicked in. This wasn’t normal constipation I was used to though, I had never experienced this squirming feeling before. Luckily, my girlfriend is a nurse and was on her way over to hang out.
I explained to her what was happening, and she thought I had an impaction in my intestines which would explain the clogged feeling (constipation) along with the squirmy feeling (diarrhea trying to push out the impaction).
I was slightly embarrassed but figured she has seen and talked about poop a million times by now with being a nurse and all.
She arrived at my house and at this point, I’m drenched in sweat. My stomach hurts, I am starting to feel nauseous, and I’m waiting for this suppository to kick in. My girlfriend took one glance at me and immediately prepared a cold washcloth for my forehead.
“Do you think you’re running a fever, baby? This isn’t good. You could have contracted some weird bug out there.”
I gave it a few more minutes, then, all at once, I felt Satan’s wrath down below. I ran to the toilet and landed on the circle of white just in time; an explosion of brown, fiery liquid ensued.
I cleaned myself up and started to feel better. I felt relief wash over me as I exited the bathroom.
By now, my girlfriend was starting to feel frisky, and since I was starting to feel better, I figured why not?
She practically pounced on me like a wild African lion, and before I could say a word about it, we were naked between the sheets.
Things were hot and steamy, and everything was going great until I felt an odd sensation in my nether regions.
At first, I tried to ignore it. I clenched my ass muscles together and kept pounding away. Eventually, the sensation was undeniable, I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the sensation. It felt like a slight tickle mixed with an itchy feeling.
Suddenly, my girlfriend started screaming bloody murder. Blankets and pillows were tossed around the room, but I still had no idea what was going on. I flipped the lights on as fast as I could, and I nearly fainted at the sight.
Dozens of baby snakes littered the bed, slithering around and falling to the ground. Immediately, I knew where they had come from, but I couldn’t quite believe it or wrap my head around how that could have happened. I ran to the bathroom and put my ass up in the mirror.
Reality hit me like a thousand bricks, I could see the heads of the baby snakes poking out of my anus. Falling to the floor one by one.
I screamed, my girlfriend screamed, and then I passed out.
So, like I said before, my story is disturbing, disgusting, and embarrassing, but it has been a few years since this has happened, and I’m finally read to share. A quick trip to the doctor did no good because the snakes were completely out of me at that point (thank god). But, what I want, no – what I need to know is how they got in me.
During a colonoscopy, the doctor removed bits and pieces of the eggshell that was left behind, but they couldn’t figure out how it happened.
Some of my friends accused me of doing it on purpose. Are you kidding me? There is no way in hell I would shove snake eggs up my ass for a practical joke. They all swear up and down that they didn’t put them in me when I was passed out, but can I really believe them?
On top of all this, I’ve adopted a weird habit. Sometimes, my tongue will slither in and out of my mouth. It always happens when I least expect it, and my girlfriend is usually the one to correct me. Everyone else pretends to ignore it.
I’ve also been having urges, weird urges that I haven’t told anyone yet. I can’t believe I’m putting this out there, but when I see a mouse scurry by, I want to pick it up and put it in my mouth.
This is why I decided to turn to the internet. I know someone out there will read this, and be able to tell me what’s going to happen to me.
So, any ideas?