1. First Blood
I’m about to shock seven shades of shit out of many of the people reading this article. First off, the first Rambo movie is not called, Rambo. It is in fact called First Blood. The second thing that’s going to blow the balls out the back of your girlfriend’s throat is that it was based on a novel by David Morrell. Way back in 1982 when First Blood first hit theatres, it was a very different time in America. We were still licking our wounds from Vietnam, Russia was still trying to start shit, and we had recently just elected an actor into the most powerful position in the world.
Sylvester Stallone got attached to the project because everybody wanted to see Rocky Balboa with guns and decided it would be a good idea to make some changes to the original script, because money. What followed was almost an entirely different character. Rambo went from a ptsd Vietnam Vet who ‘brought the war home with him’ to a muscle bound anti-hero with a chip on his shoulder and something to prove. The only real reason to remake First Blood is because the original movie was such a departure from the novel. It would be set in the late 70’s early 80’s(none of this, “update it for now bullshit”) and actually show us the PTSD soldier the novel only gave us glimpses of.
Why they won’t remake it:
Here’s the problem– John Rambo is an American icon. The Nation was carried in his right hand, while he crunched the nut sack of Communism with his left. The movie was part of a franchise that dominated the decade and represented some of its political climate. In a lot of ways, the franchise is a picture of America in the 80’s and everything that makes this country great.
Not only that, but there is a reason why Rambo was included in a toy line called, “the Movie Maniacs”. John Rambo from First Blood is a certified psycho. By the fifth page that man has killed like five people. You may notice in the first movie, how the only person that actually died was the asshole cop who ‘accidentally’ fell out of a helicopter trying to shoot Rambo off a cliff. Spoiler: he dies in the police station, and the only thing accidental about it was Rambo missed slicing directly into his heart, thus giving him a quicker death. But the main reason they won’t remake First Blood is because he dies at the end. No Franchise potential equals no remake.
Wanted is a fairly recent movie so why should we want a remake? Well, other than getting to see Angelina Jolie shooting guns sexily and getting to hear Morgan Freeman say ‘mutha fucka’ it’s a pretty terrible adaption of the source material. Wanted the movie was based on the original proposal of the comic book, not what the comic book eventually became. Sure the premise is the same but the characters are radically different. They are super-villains, with super powers and none of this bullet bending bullshit. Try saying that five times fast.
Bet you can’t
Another blaring difference from the original proposal to comic is the motivation of the main protagonist is in direct opposition. Spoilers for both the book and the book which quite frankly, if you haven’t seen or read either then you can go ahead and fuck your own face. In the movie, professor X’s father did everything he could to keep his son out of the underworld, whereas in the comic, Eminem’s dad knew he was about to ‘retire’ and wanted his son to do the job, thus bringing him into said underworld. Also he was tired of his son being a pussy, which to be honest is something every father struggles with.
Why they won’t remake it:
The main problem to doing a more-faithful-to-the-comic version of Wanted is in the actual artwork. You see, J.G. Jones, phenomenally talented as he may be, based the ‘stars’ on the comic on actual actors and famous people. Wesley Gibson looked like Eminem; The Fox was Halle Berry and so on. Getting these people to sign up for a remake of a movie that just came out a few years ago could be a hard sell. Hell, Halle Berry announced that she would never be in another comic book based movie again, and she was the worst representation of two female superheroes in the history of cinema. There is also the stick in the mud that the first one made a good bit of money and was fairly well received.
“I will never do another comic book movie aga – ooh. Money”
3. Lawnmower Man:
Allow me to be clear. This is the only entry on the list where I don’t suggest going from the source material. Mainly because it’s too far driven from said material, and if they made the movie now with the title Lawnmower Man, people will associate it with the original movie as opposed to the Stephen King short story. Besides, who wants to see a movie about a naked man following a self aware lawnmower and eating the clippings.
Now I know what you’re thinking, A shitty movie from the 90’s would simply be remade into a shitty remake in the, uh, teens. And that is where I will tell you, to open your minds, cine-magnons! With today’s effects they could really turn that into a super mind fuck. Think inception meets the matrix. Job could be anyone or anything. Entire landscapes could be changed in the blink of an eye. I can’t even begin to fathom the possibilities(what am I? a writer?)
Why they won’t remake it:
Remember when I said that they could make it like Inception and the Matrix? Pretty much that reason. It is well documented that while the Matrix and Inception were critically and commercially successful, they also didn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense. Each left gaping plot-holes that to this day are still left unanswered, and the Matrix had two mind numbing sequels to attempt an explanation and ultimately failed. If the Lawnmower Man were to be remade it would have to be either plotted as a trilogy, as Hollywood is famous for nowadays, or spend a metric fuck ton of money on a standalone movie based on the reputation of pre-Bond Peirce Brosnan cyber porn. Come to think of it…
4. Howard the Duck:
The undisputed worst film George Lucas ever made. Granted the prequels gave it a run for its money, but ultimately, Howard the Duck came out the victor. One might argue that George Lucas has always had a thing for Disney Characters (hell, he sold his beloved money machine to them) and felt this was probably his best shot at working with a Disney Character. I imagine him getting a stern, “get the fuck out of my office” by Roy Disney after having read the original pedophiliac version of Raiders. At any rate, George was bound and determined to get to play in the Disney sandbox and Howard the Duck, having the looks and seeming personality of one of the heavy hitters seemed to fit the bill. Word is still out why George decided to introduce children of 80’s to bestiality, though one would assume it was a hidden fuck you to Roy.
Had George Lucas bothered to actually read the source material, he would have found out that Howard the Duck was one of the finest political satires of the age. Steve Gerber intentionally used a ‘funny animal’ to observe the social and political issues of the day. He even at one point ran for president along with his girlfriend, Beverly. What’s that? A woman screwing an anthropomorphized duck? Perhaps Lucas did read the source material.
Why they won’t remake it:
Turn on your Newsfeed of choice. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Good. You’re back. The government and social scene of today is in such turmoil, screenwriters would have a hard enough time finding a proper viewpoint for Howard to properly satire. Hell, I doubt you could get two screenwriters to agree on a topic without directly coming to blows, or see who can vacuum up enough cocaine to make Scarface admit he has a problem. Also in today’s politically correct world, no studio would green light a film that would potentially piss off all of their investors.