1. This was in Highschool about 8-9 years ago. I was fucking this girl at a friends house and when we were done we just layed there cuddling and kissing. She asks me if I have ever wanted to try that Fire Lube. You know, the Ky kind that has hot stimulating sensation. I say, “Yes I have always been curious about it.” We get going again and she says go get some fire lube. I’m like Are you fucking kidding me? Think I just carry that around with me. But due to my drunk and horny state I went searching the house as if it would just appear.
I found myself in the bathroom and thought this substitute would work perfectly as fire lube. So I pump two spurts of hand soap on my hand and go back to the bedroom. I rubbed the hand soap in the sensitive area and went back to town. I remember her saying stuff like, Wow that stuff really does burn. And it hurts. I finished up and went home (had a condom on so I couldn’t really feel the soap). Next day at school she’s walking around like a duck and tells me her vagina has never been so mangled. Needless to say everyone thought I was packing an absolute hammer and it worked out quite well for my future with women at that school.
2. Fell asleep while flicking my ex-girlfriends bean at 3AM trashed as fuck.
“Did you just fall asleep?”
“Are you gonna keep going?”
3. Definitely hooked up with a vegan hipster girl on new years eve a few years ago. She was the type of girl that everyone jokes about at a party. The “I can out drink any of you dudes any day, anywhere” girl.
We ended up knocking back more than our fair share of R&R (because I can afford it) and taking the new years celebration to my room. At this point, I am fucking plastered. I can hardly get my dick up enough to fuck this girl, but I manage to push my half limp dick in her like I’m trying to make that fart sound with some good ol’ fashioned nickelodeon gak.
After a few minutes of going at it this fucking putrid smell creeps up and smacks me right in the face like a wall of soiled diapers and I think “Fuck dude. This girl has some nasty STD.” I pull out and turn the lights in my room on to investigate, and this poor woman has fucking shit everywhere. There is nasty, vegan, whiskey shit all over the bed. It’s inside of her vagina. It’s managed to creep it’s way inside of the condom. It’s all over my thighs and my sheets. Holy shit. Worst fucking thing ever.
4. So my best friend and I are dating nearly identical looking twins. One of them, my girlfriend joked with me that she and her sister would switch places one night and see if my friend or I noticed.
Flash to that night, my friend and I are a little too buck and decide it’s time to for a little fun so we go grab who we thought were our respective girls and headed to sole bedrooms. Now I don’t know the girls were expecting but naturally in my drunken state I got naked as quick as I could. The girl with me starts blowing me and it feels different so I look really closely at her face and shit it’s her sister.
My drunken self decides it’s a good idea to hightail it out of there and run, naked, to my friends room to tell him.
He was face down passed out and so was my girlfriend in the room next door so to this day he still doesn’t know.
5. I went to Vegas one weekend for a Backstreet Boys concert, of all things. And this was in like 2010. Anyway, got there, saw the concert, was super drunk and horny. My friend and I ended up at one of those sleazy clubs that lets girls drink free. I got more drunk, met some random guy that took me up to his room. So, he starts putting it in, and stops. He says “there’s something in there.” Suddenly, I remember that I’m on my period and have a diva cup in. I say, “hang on, I’ve gotta take this out,” then I proceed to pull out the cup while lying down and DUMP BLOOD ALL OVER HIS BED. We fucked anyway, then had a bizarrely depressing conversation about how desperate we both were and that was that. Oh, I also got lost inside my hotel casino coming back and wandered around for an hour crying. When I finally found my room, I found a notepad, wrote “I’M SO SORRY” left it on my friend’s bed, barfed in the toilet, and passed out.
6. Last year I lived in an apartment that is in a college town, a college that is very well known for it’s parties. Anyway one day, my middle school crush texted me. “Hey, me and a few friends are coming up to BG to party, you want to party with us since you know the area?”
I told her I’d do her one better and they could pre-game and crash at my apartment, she agreed. The day came and she and her two friends show up, all three are super attractive and we all started drinking and partying and when we were going back, I started thinking, “I can totally have a foursome, it’s gonna happen.”
We get back to my place and the two friends pass out instantly, my crush was the only one awake and I thought. “This can still be good for me.”
I eventually convince her to follow me into my room and we start going at it, half way through she starts crying and because I’m a good guy I ask what’s wrong and she says, “I have a boyfriend.”
So what do I do? I convince her to keep going and I finish. I have no shame.
7. I was in college smoking with a friend. He tells me a story about how, a few months ago, he was getting a blowjob from his girlfriend and fell asleep. We worked landscaping together over the summer so I understood how he could be that tired, but I had no idea how that could ever happen.
The next night I’m drinking very heavily with my girlfriend at a party. We get a cab back to my apartment and start getting down. I ask her to go down on me and she does. Next thing I know I wake up and she’s crying her eyes out. I started laughing because of how bizarre the situation was considering my buddy told me the story the day before. Bad idea. I slept on the couch that night.
She swore she’d never go down on me again because she was insecure now. The next day she was laughing about it and we still get down to this day.
I’m so lucky she’s cool, but I was terribly embarrassed.
8. Super drunk. Hooked up with random guy wearing eyeliner. Right in the middle of some cowgirl action I screamed “Punch me in the fucking face” at him repeatedly until he did.
Overall, not bad.
9. Preface: I was a virgin in college. It was Halloween. I was blacked out…
I woke up still drunk with a hot blonde in my room throwing on some of my clothes (once again, I was a virgin so this was crazy to wake up to). She noticed I was awake and spoke. I noticed she had a nasty gash on her arm. I asked wtf happened. She said I dropped her while we were messing around and I was drunkenly carrying her. Fuuuuuck….. I apologized profusely and offered her a ride home. Her friend was already on the way to get her though.
Other known details of the night: I woke up wearing underwear that were different from the night before. “Crazy bitch” had been pulled up on my desktop and had been played. Don’t know much else…still don’t know if I lost my virginity to her :/
She texted me the next day and told me her arm was fractured. Fuuuuuck… Once again, I apologized and asked if I could do anything. She politely declined. I checked in a week or so later to make sure she was alright (she was). Didn’t really speak after that.
To top it off, the next day I brought home a girl that was in a cast for a broken arm…
10. I was throwing a party at my house, everyone was having a great time and drinking.
As the night was winding down a lot of my close friends just decided to crash there so they wouldn’t risk driving. A particularly close friend took to liberty of falling asleep on the couch in my room. I was doing pretty well this night and a girl I had met a couple days earlier was staying in bed with me. The friend on my couch was blacked out so I assured her he would be no trouble so we fooled around and were having a good time despite some whiskey dick troubles. When we are finally going at it, probably around 4:00 A.M., we hear a faint knocking sound, I’m not going to risk investigating it and lose out on this so we just keep going. Then there is a doorbell, again there are a bunch of people sleeping out there to deal with it, lets keep going. Finally there is a knock on my bedroom door. The girl stops and covers up with a blanket. I grab another blanket to cover myself with but a mixture of me being really really drunk and really really annoyed I just kind of put it on like a cloak, failing to conceal my condom covered rock hard erection. I open the door expecting a drunk friend who puked but instead was met with the father of my friend on the couch. One thing to note here is that the couch is in open view from the doorway, the bed is tucked away in the corner. He wanted to see is my friend was safe and not dead in a ditch somewhere. The only words I manage to produce are “he is safe…. He is with me… here… safe” all the while at full mast and in plain sight.
It wasn’t until the next day the I realized how that looked from his perspective. Not only had he known me since I was young and was forced to view me in my full glory but he had no idea that there was a girl there at all. His only received information was that I was in the process of having sex and his son was laying there covered up. The dad still to this day hasn’t mentioned the event to either of us. We just pretend it didn’t happen and my friend sends a text if he is crashing over.
11. I met up with a friend and some mutual friends/acquaintances in Texas. We decide to get some alcohol for the evening; a fifth of tequila, some orange liqueur and some lime juice for margaritas. At some point in the evening, after more than a few drinks (we ended up killing a fifth of liquor between just us two that night), I end up on his lap in a real short skirt and some thigh highs. He starts off easy with a few back rubs, then slowly works his way down for more teasing after he realizes he’s turning me on. Sneaking his hand under my skirt, rubbing his finger on my bits through my panties, groping, etc. At some point he carries me to the bed and we start to undress one another, with our friends still in the room.
After we’re both more or less naked; we both realize we have to pee, so we get dressed back up and head into the bathroom where we do our business and proceed to give each other oral on the floor with our clothes still around our ankles. At this point our friends knock on the bathroom door, we get dressed in a hurry and open up, they tell us they’re headed out and tell us to have fun together. After they leave; we decide that we want to try butt sex with one another, so we head out of our hotel room to go get some condoms from his car.
As soon as the door closes I get the sinking feeling that you get when you realize you just locked yourself out; I typically keep hotel key cards in my pocket, but it had slipped my mind since my skirt didn’t have pockets and because I was drunk off my tits. I had also forgotten my glasses, phone, money, shoes, etc.; he had forgotten his cellphone as well. We couldn’t just go to the front desk for a lockout key because the room was in one of our friend’s names. We go scrambling trying to find our other friends before they head out. We catch up to them after some time bumbling around the hotel; I look ridiculous the whole time, clinging onto him like a seeing eye dog as we stumble around. There was also at least one time where he had to wait outside the bathroom while I went to go pee (booze goes right through me). To make it worse I’m still in my short skirt in leggings out for everyone to see.
Eventually we track down a phone to use and we call up our friend to let us back into the room. We get all the condoms, lube and toys we need for opening me up; and I go ahead and clean out while he gets things ready. Everything goes pretty well at first; lots of lube, toys come out of my butt clean, etc. But as things go further I’m just too tight to go any further without way too much pain, he also breaks a condom trying to get inside me. He didn’t want to push ahead with this anymore so we decide we can play with his butt instead; after all, we’ve got all the stuff here. So we go back to more making out, oral and other foreplay; I even get three fingers into his butt! But unfortunately all the alcohol made it impossible for me to get mine up hard enough to penetrate him; so we end up just passing out snuggling each other.
12. When I was 16, I went for a week to visit for my best friend in another state who was staying the summer with her mom out there. On the last night I was there, I was drinking heavily at a house party with my best friend and some of her friends. One guy there was a 16 year-old boy I’d met a couple times over the course of that week. This boy had a girlfriend at the party too. Things get a little blurry after the first few hours of the party, but I’m pretty sure I convinced him to go with me into an upstairs bedroom, starting making out with him, and then took his virginity. (First oops!)
Right after this I stood up from the bed because I had to pee, wrapped my naked self in his comforter, staggered to the middle of the room before I realized I was already peeing, and then just stood there and decided to finish peeing on his carpeted bedroom floor. (Second oops! Then I turned around and went back to bed and had sex with him again. I left the party shortly thereafter. We were both so hammered that I don’t think he noticed the pee until the next day when he texted my best friend and asked if I pissed on his floor. He’ll never forget his first time!
13. This one will haunt me to the end of my days, but not for the normal reasons.
In college, I woke up in my bedroom with a massive hang-over, and found two used condoms next to my bed. No memory of hooking up, and I don’t use them to masturbate. Very confused, and no memory what-so-ever of a hook up the night before. Can’t even guess at who it might have been.
In the kitchen while making coffee, one of my roommates comes in, smirks at me and asked who the blonde was. I quiz her about it, and apparently in the middle of the night she got up to go to the bathroom and ran into “cute girl with long blond hair, wearing one of my t-shirts” in the hallway, coming out of my room. I’m utterly clueless, no recollection at all.
Two weeks later, I’m at the bar with my roommates, and the one who saw her grabs my arm, points at this stunning blond and says, “That’s her!” I make eye contact with her, she smiles and a few minutes later I walk over to say hi. She was totally hot, seemed really cool and thanked me for ending her dry spell after a bad break up. I asked her out without admitting that I remembered nothing about meeting her, bringing her back to my place or hooking up. Worst part, she got back together with her ex a week later, and nothing else ever happened between us.
I still have no clue about that night, and worse, it’s the only time in my entire life that I met someone at the bar and hooked up that night.
14. It was my highschool graduation party and halfway through the night I began to blackout. I remember little snippets from the night. It went something like this. I was downstairs for a bit with some friends. I then moved outside and start talking to some other people. The next thing I remember is a girl I never talked to throughout high school, but still in my graduation class, was on top of me. We were making out in the middle of the back yard lawn. The party was so huge the girl that decided to hire bouncers just in case anything went wrong. Well apparently my drunk ass was a problem. The 6’5″ 300 pound bouncer comes over and removes the girl off me. Luckily I actually knew this bouncer from a previous job I had. So me being so drunk I couldn’t even stand and said goodbye to this random girl. Went to the front lawn waiting for a ride and in the mean time I was vomiting up a storm from the amount of alcohol I drank (first time throwing up from drinking too).
A couple months go by and I am at a party with some old high school friends. I’m chatting with my buddies girlfriend and we were all talking about the graduation party we had not too long ago. I was telling the girl that I don’t remember much, then all of a sudden I was making out with a girl. Turns out this girl was one of her best friends. She began telling me that I was fingering this girl and she tried to take my pants off.
So basically I’m glad I found out months after a party that I fingered a random girl in a drunken stupor in the middle of a backyard lawn surrounded by my classmates. Stay in school kids…