23. First off, for those who don‘t know what a diva cup it‘s a reusable silicone cup you put in your vagina while menstrating, it collects your blood, you take it out, rinse it, life is good. No 1 am trips for overly expensive off-brand tampons at a convenience store and they‘re better for the environment.
So I had just gotten a diva cup and after a couple days I was feeling overly confident and decided this would be the night I kept it in over night but I guess it had decided to go much deeper than it should have. Still being a diva cup-noob I wasn’t very adept at fishing it out (nor did I know I was at virtually no risk of any immediate danger of keeping it in too long) so after about 2 hours, several positions and a shower later I rush to the on-campus doctor.
So the first available doctor is a man in his mid early 50s I‘d guess. He starts off our encounter seeming somewhat suspicious that this is something I should be able to do myself- like maybe I am a fetishist/ bored/ whatever but I‘m probably definitely wasting his time.
Skip a couple minutes forward, I’ve got my legs in the stirrups and the duck billed instrument inside of me and he is starting to realise that I may have actually gotten it stuck. He can’t get it out so he enlists the help of two nurses, all of whom were starring sympathetically at my vag unsure how to proceed.
Eventually they were able to get it out (blood was everywhere) and I learned from a nurse who also uses a diva cup is that the instructions that say to relax your muscles are completely wrong and you need to push it out.
24. Back in middle school, I got kicked in the balls during a soccer game. I took some ibuprofen, sucked it up, and kept playing. Cut to the next morning. It’s 6am and I awake with a jolt. My balls hurt. It had been happening a lot lately, and I can usually fix it by massaging them in the shower. Well, I hop in the shower, touch my junk, and yell in pain, falling in the process. Now I’m at the point where my stomach starts to hurt.
I climb upstairs (i sleep in the basement) and I find some Tylenol and I take more than the recommended dosage. I try to scream to my parents (who are on the top floor) but no sound comes out. Wincing, I climb up to my parent’s room. I look at the clock as I push open the door and its taken me 30 minutes throughout this ordeal. “My dad’s a nurse, he’ll know what to do” is what I thought. Well shit, he’s still at work, and won’t be home til 7:30am. My mom is here though.
I fall onto the floor and call my moms name. She helps me into the bed, and asks me what’s wrong. Fuck. “Uh…I-I-Its my balls.” I stutter out. I tell her that they still hurt after the game. She looks uncomfortable. We go downstairs and I take more pills, and she consoles me like a mother should. By this point I’m crying and flailing and I just want my dad to show up.
7:30 comes and My dad comes through the door. Mom explains the situation as I’m borderline delusional. He diagnoses me. And by that, I mean he looked at my testicles. Nothing was more emasculating than having your dad look and touch your junk in an effort to fix the pain, in front of your mother, no less.
We go to an urgent care hospital, and as soon as I get some anesthesia I’ve stopped thrashing and they can properly diagnose me. I have a Testicular torsion. in my left testicle. So this doctor and his interns (women, too. Sigh.) come in and the doctor flips my scrubs to reveal the goods. After massaging me for what felt like hours, he stares at my junk for a long time, before telling me that “The consistency is right, you have a nice scrotum kid. Too bad you need to have surgery.”
I passed out.
Luckily, they put me on some more drugs and did the procedure. It turns out that if I had waited another 4 hours, I would’ve lost my testicle completely. ಠ_ಠ A few months later I go into a…testicle specialist(?) for a check-up. We’re in the room alone (its a guy) and he tells me to drop my pants. Once again, I have to show an older fellow my junk. He touches them for just a brief second, takes a step back, and exclaims “Wow! You really do have a nice consistency!”
TLDR; Got testicular torsion, had my dad and numerous men massage my genitals, and got compliments from them.