27 Stories About Going To The Doctor That Will Leave You Breathless And Totally Embarrassed

Flickr / Jennifer Morrow
Flickr / Jennifer Morrow

Found on r/AskReddit.

1. I went in for a prostate exam and when the doctor was performing it, I ejaculated. She said it’s common, but I was totally embarrassed.

– Anonymous

2. When I was 18 I had a lump on one of my testicles. I went in to my normal family doctor to check it out and he said we needed to get an ultrasound on it to make sure it wasn’t cancer. Scary shit for an 18-year-old boy (or anyone, really).

So, I went to the imaging center, did the paperwork and went into the room and sat on the table. After a couple minutes of waiting in comes the nurse. She was blonde, probably about 25 and was smoking hot.

She told me to take my pants off, lay down on the table and spread my legs a bit. I instantly started feeling that familiar tingle down low and knew I was in for some trouble. She rubbed the jelly on the ultrasound camera and then put a little on her fingers and rubbed it onto my balls. Feels good man. She gently flipped my penis up and covered it with a towel so that just my scrotum was exposed, and that did it… I had a full fledged hardon within 6 seconds.

My face filled up with blood I was so embarrassed, and of course she knew. I tried to take my mind off of it by asking her questions about the machine and how it worked (did you know that they can place the cursor on the screen onto the image of a vein or artery and the machine will only pick up sound for that specific part?). After about 15 minutes of her slowly rubbing that plastic tool all over my nuts, she finished up and said “Well, your testicles are healthy! Just some blockage in the vas deferens.” And then she told me that masturbation should help clear it up.

It did.

– Anonymous

3. I was at the eye doctor. He was examining my eye and he said, “OK, now open wide.” I opened my mouth as wide as it would go and waited. An uncomfortable moment passed before he said, “I meant your eye.”

TotesMc

4. I’m kind of kinky. Sometimes I’ll go out wearing a butt plug and a pair of my wife’s panties beneath my normal clothing. No one else can tell, but even just the idea is so hot for me.

One day when I was doing that I got into a car accident. I was rushed into the hospital. I had to be stripped down so they could make sure I was okay. I’m sure a nurse had to remove my panties and butt plug. Even more embarrassing was when she gave it back after I was getting changed out of my hospital gown.

– Anonymous

5. When I was younger I went to the doctor, and I’m not sure why but he had to see my dick for some reason.

So I took of my pants and upon seeing my junk, he frowned, looked up at me, back to me junk, and frowned again.

Great way to start a career of phallic disappointment.

slapstick34

6. Female doctor: “Oh I forgot to ask one thing before I let you go, are you sexually active?”

21 year old me: “No.”

Female doctor: “I figured.” leaves

– Anonymous

7. When I was at the hospital giving birth to my son, the doctor broke my bag of water.

They saw meconium (first baby poop) in the amniotic fluid so they started flushing me out. The baby was blocking the exit, so the fluid they pumped into me wasn’t coming back out. I remember them saying “we aren’t getting any return”. It came time to push, and the doctor must’ve known what was coming because when I looked up after his head was out, she was dressed up like the Gorton’s fisherman. Head to toe rain gear.

The moment his shoulder came free, any leftover amniotic fluid and all the fluid they filled me up with, let out in one giant birthing liquid tidal wave. The entire birthing staff went WHOA! and jumped back. It was a remarkably wet entrance into the world for my son.

Zippytuna

8. A friend of a friend went to jump over a metal fence and slipped. He just jumped over and kept going. Suddenly he started feeling dizzy. He looks down, and there’s a huge hole in his pants and there’s blood everywhere. They get to the ER, he drops his pants, and the Dr goes, “Welp. You have 2 anuses.”

– Anonymous

9. I was about 12-years-old, showing up for my routine physical. It was about to begin. I jumped on the scale, then my stomach started killing me. It slowly went away. The testicle toss was coming up. I’m holding in my diarrhea-churning stomach. I get the okay to cough as she cups my balls. Yeah, I coughed a little harder than usual and I splattered poop everywhere. I left specks of poop juice on the outer side of her hand and shit a soupy spot on the floor. I never went back again.

TL:DR had to diarrhea right before my balls were cupped in a physical, i shit on the Dr’s hand.

dissel

10. I dislocated my shoulder in a snowboarding accident and in the ER, was freaking out when the doctor walked in (to put it back into its socket). So the nice nurse(with a HUGE rack) came in to help comfort me(read: hold me still). Before the doc even started, i was squirming like a baby and I started to feel cosy and happy, thinking maybe the painkillers had finally kicked in. Turns out I was nuzzling the nurse’s breasts with my face and really enjoying it. When i realized what i was doing, i quickly peeled my face away, and apologized frantically. She said it was alright.

I’m a girl.

– Anonymous

11. I was 15 getting my balls cupped and coughed for a physical. The doc held my balls in his hand and asked me to flex. Confused, I focused all my energy in my dick muscles and made the little fella bounce a bit. The doc laughed his ass off and said… “oh no son, I meant flex your muscles… like you’re lifting weights…”

Whatever, his loss.

Sowhitesowong

12. My penis turned red and splotchy, and when I got it checked out I was referred to a penis specialist (term?) by my doctor to get STD treatment.

I accused my girlfriend of cheating on me, and we wound up breaking up after a fight.

The penis doctor and his female assistant (not hot) took a quick look and said “Yeh, that’s a sunburn.”

On the plus side, my girlfriend was cheating on me, so whatevs.

– Anonymous

13. Had some crazy health problems in college and had to see a cardiologist. So I have to take my top off, as well as any metal jewelry and lay on the table. Weeks before I’d gotten my nipples pierced but just completely forgotten about them (female, btw). So he’s doing the scan or whatever, basically an ultrasound of my heart, and mentions again that jewelry interferes with the scanner–casually trying to get me to take the rings out. So I realize, he politely turns away and I try to remove the captive ball rings.

But I can’t. Fuck did I try and I got the right one out but damn if the left just. won’t. budge. So after me frantically half-ripping my nipple off, he says (very meekly), “Do you, uhh, need some throat clearing help?” And you just know he doesn’t want to. But I can’t get it out, so just as meekly I say, “Yes please. Sorry.” And after some finagling he’s able to get the damn nipple ring out and we go on with the exam.

Afterwards, I called up a friend and got INCREDIBLY drunk while he laughed at my pain.

TL;DR Forced an unsuspecting, middle-aged cardiologist to touch my boobs.

ChellaBella

14. When I was about 14 I crashed my bicycle going down a little hill. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, but the shorts I was wearing had zippered pockets. When I fell, the toggle on the zipper dug into my hip and as I slid down the hill it dug a gash about three inches long into my leg.

I go to the urgent care center with my father an hour or so later because I needed stitches (this was an unfortunately common occurrence for us for a while in my teens) and instead of the usual wrinkly old doctor that normally sewed me up, I was given over to his new, young, very attractive female medical student.

Because of the location of the gash, I had to remove my shorts and underwear so that she could get at it and I was given a small washcloth-type thing to protect my modesty. So she sets to work sewing me up, leaning over the top of me, her boobs pressing into the side of my leg, her breath slowly blowing over my cloth-covered loins, and I couldn’t stop it. I got that feeling, you know, the 8am-Math-class-hot-girl-sitting-next-to-you-in-short-shorts-better-move-the-textbook-to-my-lap feeling. Sure enough, after about 20 stitches the cloth starts to swell, and then peak, and then push to the side.

I was panicking. I tried to figure out how to get a hand down there to fix the cloth. I tried to think of my grandmother mid-coitus with a hairy leprechaun. I tried not to think about sticking it directly into her mouth. Nothing worked. For the better part of 45 minutes I lay there with my erect penis not a foot away from her head almost completely exposed.

To her credit, she was very professional about the whole thing, and made no recognition to the fact that some teenage boy popped a huge boner in her face. I’m sure it was something of a regular occurrence for her, anyways.

arcadejunkie

15. Went in to get my blood drawn for some reason when I was 18 or so. I kept flexing my forearm when she was trying to put the needle in one of my veins and it didn’t work correctly and blood started flowing freely out of my arm. Then she tried my left arm and I felt like I was about to pass out. Woke up on the floor covered in my own piss. It was pretty embarrassing walking past everyone in the office, waiting room, and parking lot with piss-soaked pants.

– Anonymous

16. I was working at Best Buy (this was the early 90s) back when the store layout was much more heavily based on tall isles and stock was stored on top of the isles. We had to load and unload that stock and somehow, I had managed to strain hard enough during one of my shifts that I gave myself a case of hemorrhoids.

Now, this was long before Web MD and I wasn’t exactly educated about such things, so I “dealt with it” as long as I could, until one day I went to my mom and told her what was happening. She promptly took me to doctor to get everything checked.

As soon as the Doctor took a look he said “Ok, this thing is about to burst, we need to cut it out.”

“I’m sorry, what? Cut what on who?”

He then turns to the doctors assistant who was also in the room and says “Can you get Kelly for me?”. Obviously, I’m not thrilled at two people already having peered deeply into my soul from the bottom up, and I’m not really keen on a third observer. The doctor then proceeds to tell me what is about to happen.

“We can’t give you any anesthetic. The blood vessels of the anus are too small and anesthetic may cause clotting” [I’m not sure if he said clotting specifically, but there was some risk of complication]

The door opens and in walks Kelly, who is a probably 6 foot 5 and 240 pounds. I then learns that Kelly’s job is to help spread my butt cheeks apart and hold me still while the doctor cuts out the hemorrhoid.

Now one might assume that having a large man hold my butt cheeks apart while my ass is sliced up is the embarrassing part but not so much. After the doctor finishes with the stitched, the nurse comes in and hands me a maxi-pad.

“What is this?”

The doctor then tells me “Well, you’re going to be bleeding for a while, you should put that in your boxers to catch any spotting.”

And thats how I came to wear maxi pads for almost two weeks during my senior year of high school.

– Anonymous

17. When I was 16, my doctor decided to run a test on my heart. I had no idea exactly why, or what it involved, but the next thing I know, I’m in a room with his assistant – a middle aged, large, Eastern European woman whose name should be Helga or the like, telling me to “zek off yur cloz!” I take off my shoes, jeans, and shirt, remaining in a bra and undies. She then seems upset, and barks “Why ze bra? yu tink I have seen no female part before?!”

After these pleasantries, I’m lying on the exam table, staring at the ceiling, just waiting for the whole ordeal to end, when she seems to get upset, and readjusts an electrode she just put on me. She then says “Stop distracting me!” I should mention, the room was very cold, and my chest, well- you know what happens.

Needless to say, I changed doctors.

chamomile_tea

18. I went in for my first lady parts check and the doctor would occasionally put his thumb on my clit and press hard. I don’t know if this was pervy or it just didn’t occur to him but it was really, REALLY uncomfortable and it turned me off from ever going back.

MississippiQueen

19. Accidentally ripped half my foreskin off while having sex. Went to the ER and had it reattached. At my first checkup a few days later, the urologist at the hospital said, “Oh! It’s YOU!”

Rescued the situation when he asked me, “Just what the hell kind of sex have you been having?” My response was simply: “The fun kind.”

dustyfoot

20. For whatever reason when I was 20 and in college I needed a physical. I hadn’t been to the doctor in a while and needed it ASAP. My parents suggested I just see my old pediatrician. I scheduled an appointment and went.

Long story short, I did what I always did when I’d get a physical. Strip down and get on the table. Even though the nurse lady didn’t tell me to.(I guess you don’t normally get down to your underwear when you’re older??)

So I’m sitting on the table in my underwear and my doctor walks in. Behind him comes in a super hot female medical student who is maybe a year older than me at the most. Now mind you, I didn’t look young at all and she was probably used to working with 5 year olds all day. I’m 6’1″ 210 with a full beard.

So we all exchange awkward hellos and introductions. I tried to make some jokes that bombed and for some reason kept trying to joke my way out of being nearly naked in front of her.

So were going through all the usual stuff, the doctor would check my heart, she would check my heart, he would check my eyes, she would check my eyes.

All the while I’m holding back a RAGING boner. (she was sooo hot and I was 20) So now came the part that I couldn’t decide if I was super excited or super terrified for, it was time for the testicle exam. The doctor checks and then continues to something else. So I decided the right thing to ask her “are your hands not big enough for this part of the exam”

To which the doctor immediately asks her to leave the room.

The following 15 minutes were the most awkward moments of my life. Not a single word was exchanged. I left and later find out while checking out that the girl was the doctors niece.

– Anonymous

21. When I was 14, my mother took me to the pediatrician for my yearly check up. I was pretty angry with her, because I felt like I was getting too old for a pediatrician and the doctor was an incredibly hot black woman, and I knew she’d have her hands on my junk. At 14, a hot woman touching your junk is never a good thing. Well, it is, but it isn’t.

This woman was a chocolate Aphrodite. Looked like Vivica Fox with glorious tits. To be honest, I’d had a couple of private sessions thinking about her. Now, I’ve never had a thing for black women, but she was incredible.

Chances are she’d had a long day. Her hair was pulled back and she was wearing her glasses instead of her typical contacts. She was in a gray Rutgers t-shirt that accentuated her tits perfectly. I remember that well. Some kid had probably spit up on her during an exam while having a panic attack about a shot.

So she does her thing. Takes some blood, asks me questions about my sexual activities (which at that time were nothing more than solo).

Then the time comes and she tells me to take off my pants. Thank God she asked my mother to leave the room first. I do as she asks, I lie back on the table and she pulls up the gown.

Not even one finger on my nut and I immediately jumped to attention, then came the fireworks. Within a couple of seconds of lying down on that table, I had blown my load. It shot two feet in the air, and popped her all over the glasses and face.

She didn’t say a word. I was equally mortified. Just walked over to the sink and stuck her glasses under the stream of water, then wet a paper towel and wiped her face clean.

Turned around to me, said, “Ok, I think that’s it,” and walked out of the room. I never went back to her as a doctor again.

Though a few years later, I did run into her. Still just as hot as ever. I doubt she remembered me. Though if I’d brought it up, I’m sure she would have.

heymrk

22. When I was in high school, I was having severe, chronic stomach pains. After a number of exams, the doctors were no closer to having any answers, so they ordered me to have lower GI x-rays.

The day of the exam, I go in and I’m given the instructions on what the procedure will entail. I will be receiving a barium enema which will allow the xrays to show any abnormalities in my GI tract. Now, the doctors failed to really get SPECIFIC about the enema part — particularly how much pressure the enema would put me under. They also kind of forgot to mention the fact that the “seal” isn’t always sufficiently strong to contain the pressure.

All of this information (and lack of critical information) came to a head as I’m on the x-ray table, in my green hospital gown with a tube up my ass getting pumped full of barium. Then the x-ray tech walks in. As if God hasn’t cursed me enough but just placing me in that particular situation, he decided to ice the cake by having the x-ray tech be a very attractive blonde woman.

I’ve spent the past 20 years of my life trying to forget the 20 minutes that followed…

There, with a semi-erect wang plainly visible through the wafer-thin aquamarine hospital gown and a tube hanging out of my ass, the beautiful blonde woman was just trying to do her job and tell me how I should position myself for the next x-ray in the sequence only to have her requests met with awkward shuffling and random fart squeaks and splurts as the seal of the enema tube moved around in my b-hole leading to the occasional trickle of barium leaking onto the x-ray table.

The only reprieve I got that day was that she at least vacated premises before I had unleashed a post-procedure barium monsoon in the bathroom.

digitalburro

23. First off, for those who don‘t know what a diva cup it‘s a reusable silicone cup you put in your vagina while menstrating, it collects your blood, you take it out, rinse it, life is good. No 1 am trips for overly expensive off-brand tampons at a convenience store and they‘re better for the environment.

So I had just gotten a diva cup and after a couple days I was feeling overly confident and decided this would be the night I kept it in over night but I guess it had decided to go much deeper than it should have. Still being a diva cup-noob I wasn’t very adept at fishing it out (nor did I know I was at virtually no risk of any immediate danger of keeping it in too long) so after about 2 hours, several positions and a shower later I rush to the on-campus doctor.

So the first available doctor is a man in his mid early 50s I‘d guess. He starts off our encounter seeming somewhat suspicious that this is something I should be able to do myself- like maybe I am a fetishist/ bored/ whatever but I‘m probably definitely wasting his time.

Skip a couple minutes forward, I’ve got my legs in the stirrups and the duck billed instrument inside of me and he is starting to realise that I may have actually gotten it stuck. He can’t get it out so he enlists the help of two nurses, all of whom were starring sympathetically at my vag unsure how to proceed.

Eventually they were able to get it out (blood was everywhere) and I learned from a nurse who also uses a diva cup is that the instructions that say to relax your muscles are completely wrong and you need to push it out.

buttsmcbutts

24. Back in middle school, I got kicked in the balls during a soccer game. I took some ibuprofen, sucked it up, and kept playing. Cut to the next morning. It’s 6am and I awake with a jolt. My balls hurt. It had been happening a lot lately, and I can usually fix it by massaging them in the shower. Well, I hop in the shower, touch my junk, and yell in pain, falling in the process. Now I’m at the point where my stomach starts to hurt.

I climb upstairs (i sleep in the basement) and I find some Tylenol and I take more than the recommended dosage. I try to scream to my parents (who are on the top floor) but no sound comes out. Wincing, I climb up to my parent’s room. I look at the clock as I push open the door and its taken me 30 minutes throughout this ordeal. “My dad’s a nurse, he’ll know what to do” is what I thought. Well shit, he’s still at work, and won’t be home til 7:30am. My mom is here though.

I fall onto the floor and call my moms name. She helps me into the bed, and asks me what’s wrong. Fuck. “Uh…I-I-Its my balls.” I stutter out. I tell her that they still hurt after the game. She looks uncomfortable. We go downstairs and I take more pills, and she consoles me like a mother should. By this point I’m crying and flailing and I just want my dad to show up.

7:30 comes and My dad comes through the door. Mom explains the situation as I’m borderline delusional. He diagnoses me. And by that, I mean he looked at my testicles. Nothing was more emasculating than having your dad look and touch your junk in an effort to fix the pain, in front of your mother, no less.

We go to an urgent care hospital, and as soon as I get some anesthesia I’ve stopped thrashing and they can properly diagnose me. I have a Testicular torsion.[1] in my left testicle. So this doctor and his interns (women, too. Sigh.) come in and the doctor flips my scrubs to reveal the goods. After massaging me for what felt like hours, he stares at my junk for a long time, before telling me that “The consistency is right, you have a nice scrotum kid. Too bad you need to have surgery.”

I passed out.

Luckily, they put me on some more drugs and did the procedure. It turns out that if I had waited another 4 hours, I would’ve lost my testicle completely. ಠ_ಠ A few months later I go into a…testicle specialist(?) for a check-up. We’re in the room alone (its a guy) and he tells me to drop my pants. Once again, I have to show an older fellow my junk. He touches them for just a brief second, takes a step back, and exclaims “Wow! You really do have a nice consistency!”

TLDR; Got testicular torsion, had my dad and numerous men massage my genitals, and got compliments from them.

thatthrobbingpain

25. When I was 15, I went to my pediatrician for a check up. She did that thing that doctors do when they put their hands down your pants, cup your sack and tell you to cough. I don’t know why they do it, I just refer to it as the pedophile pick-up and people generally know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, she’s got my balls in her hand and I’m kind of a smart ass so I look right into her eyes and say “oh yeah… cradle the balls, stroke the shaft.” She burst out laughing, walked out of the office, and told my mom.

Needless to say, I was displeased.

– Anonymous

26. One day my left ovary just starts hurting like a motherfucker. Like this is serious business I’m going to stab someone so they can feel my agony type pain. I go to the doctor and apparently I need an ultrasound. Alright fine. But wait here’s the best part: it’s an intravaginal ultrasound. For you Y-chromosome transports out there what this means is that they take this big cyberpunk dildo, shove it right the hell up your cooter and then sort of root around in there like it’s a fucking grab bag.

So as part of their “here’s how to make this suck less” packet the hospital includes pretty specific instructions to drink three bottles of water an hour before your appointment, without going to the bathroom, so that they can tell which fleshy sack of muscle is your bladder and which is your uterus. Being the good little patient I am I did exactly that. So I go in there, gotta pee like a racehorse but I’m holding it in through sheer willpower. Soon the radiologist’s got her magic wand up my snatch and I hear a “whoa”. I’m like oh hell no what the fuck is there to whoa about in there. She turns the ultrasound screen towards me, points at this enormous black shape and goes “how much water did you drink!?” I tell her I drank three bottles, like the sheet told me to. She gives me this wide-eyed look. Apparently they put ‘three bottles’ on the instructions with the assumption that people would only be able to drink like, one or two and would stop when they couldn’t handle any more. Not me. I powered through that shit because when the guys with PhDs tell you to do something I like to assume it’s because they fucking mean it. We argue about how stupid it is to tell people to do shit you don’t want them to do for a few minutes.

Now recall that the whole time we’re having this discussion I’m lying there with a big damn plastic police baton wedged up in my business and a bladder full of Aquafina. The radiologist has apparently forgotten that I came in to get my ovaries checked out in the first place because one of them has become a tiny cylindrical torture machine, and the stupid bitch puts her hand on my abdomen while she’s talking, pushes the wand further into my downstairs, and in a burst of sudden, excruciating pain I piss all over her. She squeals in surprise and like four orderlies come running in, none of them bothering to shut the door behind them. So there’s a busy hallway full of people with a clear view into the room. I’m still going like a waterhose, the radiologist is drenched in urine, and to top it all off there’s a goddamn ultrasound wand sticking out my ladyhole.

Kodak. Fucking. Moment.

– Anonymous

27. I showed up for my annual girly checkup to find out that my usual doctor had been called to some medical emergency – and was asked if I would I mind an OBGYN student performing the pelvic exam (supervised, of course). I didn’t care, so I end up in a room with this REALLY young looking female resident and an older grandmotherly instructor.
So the resident goes through the routine and when she was finished, “grandma” asks me if I minded her checking after the student to make sure nothing was missed. Lady Redditors will probably understand how miserable a pelvic exam/pap is to sit through once- I was a little nonplussed about a second time but whatever, just get it over with.

And as she starts inserting a fresh new speculum, “grandma” looks at me and says: “My, aren’t we just getting tagged-teamed today?” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

obsoletememe


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Brian Gates

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