1. This happened to me last night. I work at best buy and noticed a young couple (probably around 20) walking around but very very close to each other. The guy is wrapped around the girl from behind with his hand down the front of her gym shorts past the last knuckle on his hand. One of the other employees goes over to tell them they have to leave since we got a few complaints about them.
The girl immediately starts crying and tells the employee that it’s ok, she just had an abortion and her boyfriend is helping hold the pad they gave her to prevent blood from leaking everywhere. They talk for a minute or two and it ends with the guy offering to show the pad to the employee as proof, which he declines.
The employee walks back to me with this look of horror on his face and recounts the entire thing to me. To top it off, the happy couple is there with their grandmother and mother. The mother is very obviously either high or very drunk and is playing tag with another customer’s son in the cell phone section. Turns out they were all at the store to get the girl a new cell phone to make her feel better.
2. I’m an IT guy for a school board. I work in a bunch of different schools.
Once at lunch, I was in a room full of fifth graders while they were being supervised only by some zoned-out lunch lady. They were having a civil, though heated debate on whether or not Osama Bin Laden was actually dead. This was the day after Obama had announced they’d killed him.
When I was done, I made my way to the staff room where the teachers were discussing the biggest penises they had ever seen in person.
Not a traditional WTF moment but still made me do the Jackie Chan “WTF” face.
3. I was feeding my goldfish at work and my coworker was standing behind me, we were having a conversation. He asked me if I like owning a fish. I respond, “Sure, he’s cute. I love my fish.” Out of nowhere, he says, “I hate animals. I don’t care if they get burned alive, skinned to death, stomped on, or gutted.”
Awkward, wide-eyed silence. “Uh… so, I guess… you’ve never really had a pet…”
To this day, I find my fish’s filter frequently unplugged. One day the water was oddly frothy and water-treatment chemicals were sitting out. I changed out his water immediately.
He’s a decent guy, I just don’t know what the fuck he has against my fish.
4. When I worked at an ICU in a big hospital in Germany, I once had an patient who fell from a ladder while cutting a tree… he had broken arms and legs, and they were dealt with fast at the ER, but one thing he forgot to mention, probably because he was ashamed… He fell on a stick, to grow roses on, like 1,5m long, which penetrated him at his perineum, found his way through the guts up to his diaphragma, which was punctured and made the lung collapse… he pulled it out himself and called the medics, but told no one of it.
Luckily he got an CT scan and it was relatively fast found, so that the problem with his breathing could be fixed, but every time I think about it my whole body cringes.
5. I work for a jet turbine R&O company. We once had an engine that had ingested a person who happened to stand a little too close to the intake duct. Any time an engine fails, it has to be sent back to us for investigation.
The engine arrives, and after we unbox, we notice all the red splatter. We have to unscrew the covers to expose the internal mechanisms, all while wiping human flesh and blood off our hands.
In the end, there was so much flesh inside the compressor that we had to hose it off. Blood everywhere.
Investigation conclusion: “Yep, this engine ingested a person.”
6. About three years ago I worked weekends at a bar. It was an upscale gay bar and we usually had a good crowd. As a barback, I was pretty low on the totem pole and spent my nights running cases of beer from the basement up to the bar.
Well, one night, we were pretty busy. As I was coming up the basement stairs (employee only area), an older gentleman opened the door and began walking down. I didn’t have the time to stop him at the moment and sometimes the owner’s friends would go down to the basement to use their phones or whatever.
I told my friend and coworker about it and he kinda brushed it off. I kept up with the rush until I needed to run more beer. I asked my coworker to come with me in case the man was still down there (I’m of the female persuasion by the way, and I was got a weird vibe from the guy).
We descended the staircase together and turned the corner. At this point we could see straight back into the liquor storeroom. The man had stripped naked, borrowed a Kahlua bottle, set it on a cardboard box, and was using it for some anal play. He was slowly going up and down on the top of the bottle, flaccid penis flopping about.
This image will be forever ingrained in my memory.
7. I used to work in city park maintenance. One foggy morning before sunrise upon arrival to one of our parks I spotted a lady standing under the monkey bars completely still staring at the ground. When I got closer I discovered that she had actually hung herself with a jump rope from the monkey bars.
The 911 dispatcher told me to touch her to see if she was cold. She was. The only positive thing was that I found her before school started as this park was about 100 yards from an elementary school and parents dropped their kids off there.
8. About three months ago, I took my daughter and sister out to lunch at this steakhouse that becomes a club at night. It’s a bit touristy so they get a lot of different people.
In any case, they have some decent food. Well, this couple comes in and basically started giving each other hand jobs. They were waiting for their table. We were already eating and about 8 feet from where they were. It was so obvious, and I just finally told me sister to just stare at them. So we’re both staring at them…they get uncomfortable and stop. I gave them the worst look. Like “My child is only 3 and you’re exposing her to a live porn show?!?!” I could have probably had them arrested for doing that in front of my daughter – whom we distracted with a coloring book and cell phones until the couple went away.
9. It was closing time at the Goodwill I worked at a couple years back.
All employees do a sweep of the store to make sure no one else is in there before we lock the doors (it is a pretty large Goodwill).
I notice that there was a light still on in the bathroom, which I had the pleasure of having to clean that night. I let everyone know that somebody, and not an employee, is still in the bathroom. I kindly knocked on the bathroom door to let said patron know we were closing. Then a voice from the other said says “You can come in.” A bit weirded out, but guarded with my mop I turn the handle to enter the bathroom only to be bitch-slapped in the face by the foulest smell I have ever encountered in my entire 19 years.
Standing in the middle of the washroom, almost like walking in on a child after they had gotten caught doing something bad, stood a woman of nearly 400 lbs, covered in her own shit. Shit splattered on the walls. Shit splattered on the floor. Shit splattered on the sink. SHIT. WAS. EVERYWHERE. The shit queen the proceeded to apologize for “the mess” and said the she must be going now, leaving shit footprints with every step she took. It took me an hour to clean the whole bathroom. I got a $.25 raise the next day.
10. I worked at a Quizno’s for 3 years back in high school. Despite the fact that the owner/manager sold prescription pills out of the back, 3 out of the ~10 employees at the time had criminal records (think: assault) and were still in high school, and 1 of the employees joined the Marine Corps and went AWOL at the in-processing station after taking the oath, this story involves an ancillary character.
I don’t have a name for her, because she never offered one, but we were 80% sure she was selling sex out of our parking lot. A random man in a van would pull up occasionally, after dark, and she would disappear inside, only to be sitting in her car once more when we checked up on the situation.
She would come in from time to time, sometimes to buy one of the really cheap menu items, but mostly to use our bathroom and avoid eye contact. So one day she came in and made a beeline to the bathroom. 5 minutes go by, then 10, then 15. She finally emerges, looking dizzy and uncomfortable. She quickly scurries out the door. I know something is up, so I ask my female co-worker to check out the bathroom. She slowly opens the door, immediately shuts it, and begins dry-retching.
I walk over, open the door, and am met with the Ground Zero of feces. It’s like someone threw her a ticker tape parade in the bathroom, only instead of paper, they used a gallon of shit. There is doo-doo EVERYWHERE. All 4 walls, the sink. It looks like she dragged her ass, like an itchy dog, from the toilet bowl to the door. The toilet itself…it’s as if she used a knife to ice it like a cake.
I quickly shut the door, instruct my coworker to get a piece of paper and a marker, lock the door, and put an “out-of-order” sign on it. We remove the sign when we leave that night. Minimum wage does not cover this apoopcalypse.
My manager had a really gross story to tell us about the bathroom the next day. We really wish we could have seen it.
11. I was taking care of a huge lady in the hospital once and the doc wrote for her to have a foley placed (catheter) and this woman was so huge that I was having trouble finding the meatus to insert the catheter and all of a sudden this thing flopped down in front of her vaginal opening and the woman said “don’t worry about that, it’s just my boy in the boat.” It was her clitoris and it was huge.
12. I worked for a veterinary clinic… it was a very hot day, probably close to 90 degrees. A lady pulls up in her beater car, opens the trunk and about 6 dogs jump out panting, sickly looking. yeah, lady puts 6 dogs in trunk on a hot day to go to the vet to get rabies shots. Call the humane society, and refused to let her take the dogs. She fought us and then finally took the dogs, put them back in the trunk. We had the license plate number, her address (had to supply for Rabies shots) and descriptions of all pets, and names… idiot. Humane society loved this one.
13. I was working at a Mexican restaurant last year.
One night this guy comes in and is visibly perturbed, but he orders a carne asada and everything seems fine. His waiter brings him the steak and a cheesy steak knife to cut it with. The guy inspects the steak asks for a bigger knife, so his waiter grabs a sturdier steak knife with an eight inch blade. The guy says no, I need a bigger knife. So the waiter goes to the kitchen and grabs carving knife.
The guy, still unsatisfied, demands an even bigger knife so his waiter goes back to the kitchen and gets him what could be easily be mistaken for a machete – a carving knife with a blade at least a foot long. The guy eats his steak and then when he comes up to pay he grabs the waiter, the guy who brought him the knife, and holds the knife to his ribs screaming about his steak being overdone. He was clearly deranged. Another waiter tackles this lunatic and we call the police.
14. I worked for a small flower company back in high school as a delivery driver. The store itself always got a shitload of orders, but the product that I delivered was always crap. This was due to the owner being insane.
To paint a picture, he was a 40-year-old man that looked exactly like Weird Al and only wore jean shorts a wife beater and hawaiian shirts. To top it off, he was addicted to painkillers. When I say addicted, I mean he was snorting oxycontin and popping percocets constantly. I came back from a delivery one day and my boss was in the bathroom making the most disgusting noises. Suddenly he bursts out the door screaming. I looked over and he had blood covering his hands and face. He was grabbing tissues trying to smother the blood spilling out of his nostrils. He ran up to me and said that I had to take him to the hospital because he had blown part of his brain out through his nose. I was really confused until he (with blood still pouring out his nose) showed me a piece of toilet paper with the most disgusting 5 inch long, I can only describe it as some sort of clot in his sinuses, that he had someone blown out his nose. He wasn’t lying when he said it was his brain. It looked like this, just bigger and more mucus-y. Any way yeah was pretty gross.
15. I used to be a cashier at Barnes & Noble.
Relatively speaking, ours was a smaller store. It was in the little shopping district of an upscale city just outside of Seattle, so most of our customers were housewives with their kids, teachers getting supplies or professionals buying the latest hardback bestseller.
Anyway, I’m standing alone at the cash wrap one day on a sunny weekday afternoon. I’m at my register, looking down at the schedule, when someone I hadn’t heard approach clears their throat roughly from the other side of the counter. Well, now I feel like an ass. Wonder how long they’ve been standing there.
I look up and there is a very tall, dark-haired, bearded guy looking back at me with a slightly disgruntled expression. He drops a sci-fi book on the counter, but I don’t immediately make a move to pick it up, because I’m distracted by the fact that he’s covered in blood. Dark, viscous rather important-looking blood is dribbling steadily out of his mouth, down his chin and neck and has already stained most of the front of his plaid shirt.
“Oh my god, are you alright? I’ll call an ambulance.”
He clears his throat again (which now sounds more like a necessity than a social cue) and pushes the book at me.
“You really look like you need medical atten–”
He pushes the book at me.
So I dumbly rang up his book, took his cash, gave him change, and watched him walk out the front doors, leaving a Jackson-Pollock trail of blood spatters behind him. I informed the store manager, who found blood all over the men’s bathroom and in the sci-fi and fantasy areas. We called the police, who wouldn’t have had much better to do in that city but look for bleeding weirdos, but they never got back to us to let us know whether they found him.
16. Working as a lifeguard at a beach, summer going into junior year of HS. I’m on the stand with this friendly female lifeguard, a little older than me, and we’re just chatting it up.
This old lady comes up to the stand and says, “Excuse me, but there’s a man playing with himself over by the tree next to the parking lot.” I wasn’t sure how to react so I look behind me and lo-and-behold, this Hispanic guy is doin’ the dew. I turn to the lady and say, “Don’t worry ma’am, I’ll handle this.”
I lied. I had no idea what I was supposed to do in this situation. I didn’t want to make my female compatriot do anything about it, because i’m the man of the beach, this guy spanking his monkey is my problem!
We make the decision that she is going to call the police and I will deal with him…somehow. I get off the stand and turn around, and he’s gone. I never really got a good look at the guy, so we couldn’t give the police a good profile of him. Not as bad as being showered in shit, but a weird experience nonetheless.
17. There’s this one guy at work who comes in on time day in and day out, does his work with enthusiasm and focus, and never complains or expresses disillusionment.
18. I worked for the local parks and recreation department doing maintenance like mowing grass. Routinely, men meet up in the park and go off in the woods to have sex with each other. My co-worker radios me and tells me he needs me to come down to help him cut some downed trees with a chainsaw. I have to walk down the path because he has our Ranger ATV. I was walking along when suddenly I spot a man sucking another man off. They see me, stop, and then walk away like nothing happened. I still remember the look on the guy’s face when he taps on his buddy’s shoulder to let him know they’ve been spotted.
19. A woman who I worked with had major issues. She went through some type of nervous breakdown (she worked for the president who was the most demanding person I ever met) and she had an eating disorder. The woman weighed about 95 lbs soaking wet. She wouldn’t even drink water. She also hoarded stuff in her car — it was packed with trash and shoes up to the ceiling.
The president put her in an eating disorder clinic for 8 months and brought her back. She still neither ate nor drank. She fell asleep constantly and couldn’t even function. The president made everyone take turns being her “lunch buddy” to make sure she ate. (Where she would spit food into napkins after each bite.) Then we found throw up in a ziplock baggie in the freezer when they were forcing her to eat.
We would also find her standing in random offices in the dark, just staring in the corner at the wall when she would be missing for an hour or so. She also would order $1500 worth of shoes at a time, at a size two sizes bigger than she actually wore.
After three years of this, I couldn’t take it anymore and told them that they should move her outside the corporate office to another location and provide us with an employee that could function.
We couldn’t take off when we wanted or go to lunch when we wanted because we could never leave her alone. I was reprimanded and written up by HR and then pulled into an office three days in a row where some big dude screamed at me for over two hours. I ended up leaving the fourth day because it was such a hostile work environment.
20. When I was a teenager, I worked at a Little Ceasers Pizza place, and let’s just say the management wasn’t really concerned with cleanliness: the floors were half-assedly swept and mopped so that the corners collected great mounds of congealed cheese and olives, and the crevices in the make lines were veritable bacteria orgies.
By far the foulest thing I ever experience there was one day (when I was still fairly new) I was going to retrieve some bleach rags from the back… you know, rags soaked in bleach water to “sanitize” stuff. I noticed the great stainless steel basin had a pretty big mound of dirty ones, and being the naive little shit that I was, I decided to take it upon myself to get them all rinsed out and sent to be laundered.
No sooner had I peeled back the third or fourth of these things did I realize I was looking at a pulsating mound of bleach rags. I wasn’t sure what to think, but the fucking things were undulating like your parents’ water bed. Curiosity piqued, I gingerly fingered one last rag when, BAM! Maggots.
Maggots fucking EVERYWHERE, an orgy of huge, fat suckling pigs of maggots, inexplicably writing about in the bleach rags.
Needless to say, I left them alone for some other poor asshole to deal with because I was too nauseated. Apparently someone had cleaned up a bunch of sausage that fell on the floor, and instead of just putting it in the trash they decided to leave it in a bleach rag to serve host to a housefly fuckfest.
Mercifully, I was fired a month later for oversleeping and being late to my morning shift.
21. Delivered medical supplies for two years… Two of my patients were murdered after a robbery attempt. I had to pick up their equipment at a FEMA Trailer Park (Right after Katrina) at the crime scene. They had been in the trailer for 6 days before anybody found them. The older lady was shot to death on the couch and the other patient her husband had brain cancer and was immobile so he died of heat exhaustion. The robbers turned the heater in the trailer and also the gas stove before they left..
The police took the bodies out, after the scene had been CSI’d I had to come in and remove my shit which was hospital bed, wheel chair, bedside commode.
First thing I notice when I open the door is the smell, then the huge pool of blood that looked thick and half dried and a yellow soapy looking substance by the entrance and on the couch..I think the yellow soap looking substance was fat or something. The furniture inside was completely overturned, and the plastic stuff around the stove had melted from the temperature. There was another pull of blood in the bathroom that I later learned had come from the couple’s dog that had also been shot…
It took me about 20 minutes to find my equipment in the house and load it up. Afterward I poured bleach on my shoes to try and get out the smell.
The trailer from what I heard was going to be destroyed by FEMA..
22. I do event security at an arena and during a Phish concert a patron came up to me and my partner and complained that there was man in his section bleeding all over his stuff. So we go over there and see this man high on I have no idea with what looks like self-inflicted cuts all over his hands. It looked like he was purposely getting his blood on people’s coats and seats. It was so fucking weird and gross. We take him to first aid and he refuses to get bandaged up and was a mean asshole so we decide to take his ticket and kick him out. Half an hour later we run into him again, he somehow got back inside, and he had fresh wounds and smeared his blood all over the walls. So disgusting.
23. At one point, she worked at a convalescent home; not just for old people either. It was for folks who were a little nuts and couldn’t take care of themselves.
One lady there has this disorder. She thinks EVERYTHING is food, as in she’d eat her dinner and then start trying to eat the napkins. As you can guess, she ended up morbidly obese. She was too fat for the showers, so they had to take her out back and hose her down like an elephant.
Since she was so fat, she had a lot of rolls, and they couldn’t get everywhere. Now, one day the family friend is making her rounds of the complex, and was stopped by this dude in a wheelchair. He mumbles something at her.
“Bitch stole my Doritos…”
“That fat lady stole my Doritos and SHE WON’T GIVE ‘EM BACK!”
“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll get your chips back for you.”
She goes into the fat lady’s room. She’s in there with the chips and nothing else. Buck naked, with her legs spread. There’s this thick almost gelatinous discharge in the fat lady’s vagina. And she’s dipping the chips. And eating it. With that cheese drip on pizza stretch effect. She apparently had this big smile as it dripped down her chin.