1.When I was about 12-years-old, my father took my sisters and me on a boat-trip. He rented a yacht we could overnight in so we would sail around for a week and sleep in the yacht, very upper-middle-class I know (papa lost his monocle on that trip). I was pretty excited about the whole prospect and as we arrived at the harbour where our rental yacht was, I became even happier because on the boat next to ours there stood what I can only describe as an absolute babe of a 13-year-old girl.
So anyway we spent that night sleeping on the yacht in the harbour and so did the family on the boat next to ours. There was only one rule when staying in harbour: you can’t use the boat toilet, you must use the lews loo located on land. Now during the drive over we had copious quantities of fast food, as my newly-divorced father thought that was the best way to handle an 8-hour drive with three small children on the backseat of the car. I can’t say I blame him. The result however, was that I was suffering from the most horrific episode of diarrhoea that night and could not resist relieving myself using the on-board toilet. I quickly panicked, scooped up the shit with a disposable cup and flogged it out of the tiny window the boat’s bathroom was equipped with (actually flushing would have woken everyone up on such a small boat and alerted them of my refusal to obey harbour etiquette, thus invoking the wrath of my father). This ritual repeated itself several times that evening and the next day as I woke up quite early, feeling significantly better, I climbed the stairs to the deck to bask in the warm glow of the morning sun.
As I looked to the boat next to us, to my utter horror, I saw the cute 13 y/o girl sleeping on deck on an inflatable matras mattress… she was absolutely covered in faeces! The dark brown stains on her pink nighty could only be the result of the splashes of my frantically flogged cups of diarrhoea. How this dung-covered princess had not awoken from this unceremonious shit-baptisal remains a mystery to me. What’s more, I soon discerned particles of shit with a much higher viscosity in her hair and on the side of the boat, this could not be my doing as I distinctly remembered the consistency of my shit and this was not it.
Turns out my father had gone through the same ordeal and dealt with it in the same manner, throwing it all overboard to prevent us from hearing him flush and thus becoming an extreme hypocrite in our innocent eyes. As my by-now-awoken father and I came to these conclusions we decided our only course of action would be to SET SAIL THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. We were disgusted with ourselves and vowed never to mention it to anyone (our sisters were oblivious).
2. I once ate a poo nugget from my son.
He had a bit of chocolate before and when he came to me offering me a bit, I thought it was chocolate. Apparently he went in his diaper and picked out a poo nugget.
The good thing is that I now know how poo tastes like.
3. I was on a Boy Scout camp out and this kid kept hitting me with his bamboo stick so I broke it in half and threw it away, he then decided to spit in my eye, so I proceeded to steal his bag of peanuts while he wasn’t looking and filled the bag with my pee, I let it soak for a bit then poured the pee out and I let the bag dry in the sun for the rest of the day.
The next morning I placed the bag back in his tent and watched him eat the whole bag, he periodically looked at the peanuts a little confused but he ate the whole bag of like 30+ of them. It was excellent revenge
4. I was on a cycling trip from Amsterdam to the south of Spain. We had been cycling for a week or two, and as luck would have it I had a severe case of constipation. I hadn’t produced any shit for 4 days, and it was getting painful. Because of a hole in my back tyre I had to make a stop in a reasonably big city to get it fixed. As the shops were closed I checked into a hotel for the night.
As soon as I got to my room, I heard a noise in my stomach. “Finally!”, I thought, and almost with the eyes of a child who’s getting a present I sat down on the toilet.
An absolutely massive stream of shit projectiled into the toilet. It went on for I don’t know how long. All I remember is that at the end of it all I had a better sense of the relief that childbirth must give.
Now you need to know that this toilet was not a normal toilet, in that it didn’t flush with a lot of water. It was more like one of those train toilets where the shit basically gets sucked out. This results in a preliminary FOOM sound, followed by a loud rumbling and a sort of BANG, and then your shit’s gone.
I flushed. FOOM. I’m walking towards the sink to wash my hands, expecting the loud rumbling sound. It does not come. After ten seconds, I flush again. Another FOOM, but a more drawn out one. This time, the rumbling does come, although starts out quite slow. Then it happened.
A very loud, scary BANG sound preceded the violent hydraulic removal of the shit from the toilet. But the plumbing was not capable of handling this mountain of boiling excrement collected over days in the stomach of someone eating 5000 calories a day. A second rumbling sound started, this time much louder, which ended with another BANG… after which all of the steaming mess fired like an overenthusiastic bazooka out of the drain in the SHOWER. The walls, the floor, even the ceiling wasn’t spared. And the smell… It was horrific.
I couldn’t help but fall to my knees laughing like an idiot, but afterwards it took me a good hour to clean it up. That was hands down the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done.
5. When I was 12, I was trying to impress my older brothers friends during truth or dare. One of them dared me to do something disgusting. I immediately walked over to my dog and licked her butthole. I still get shit for it to this day, almost 8 years later.
6. I once masturbated with a whole lot of my husbands cum that we’d frozen and thawed out. I guess most people would find that disgusting.
7. Got pig cum in my eyes and all over my face.
Let me explain; I was working at a butcher shop on the slaughter floor. We had a large boar I was processing that had spent the last two days in a pen next to some sows. This happened to be right in the middle of breeding season.
It had been a little worked up.
As I was making the cuts to remove the asshole, guts, etc, I noticed that the prostate was fucking huge. Just as I reached in to give everything in that area a pull to remove them I was showered with a hot, viscous, liquid. All of a sudden my eyes started burning. It wasn’t till I reached the bathroom and started washing out my eyes and my face that I realized exactly what I was washing off.
I wound up finishing the pig and then taking the rest of the day off. The next day I went back to work to find that I had a new nickname.
8. Drunkenly pulled a girl’s tampon out and flung it against the wall before sex. Have no idea what the aftermath was but it couldn’t of been pretty.
9. When I had the flexibility, I used to bite off my big toe nails.
10. About a week ago, I was going to a friends house. I had filled a water bottle with soda, so I could drink it in the car. I took a sip and noticed something mushy in my mouth. I immediately opened my door to spit on the road. Upon arrival, I looked into the water bottle with a flashlight… with a terrible realization. Weeks before, my brother had been spitting into a water bottle because he was sick. These were full on loogies. Thick and green. I almost threw up once I figured out what I had just consumed.
11. When I was in college, I lived in the dorms without air conditioning. It would get incredibly hot and sweaty. I was also–this is important–very lazy.
It was a small town, and there were precious few places to go out to eat: mostly Subway, McDonalds, and a few convenience stores.
Well one day I was sitting at my desk. A pool of sweat had collected in my ass so I felt like I needed to wipe. I was lazy so i just grabbed a paper towel, wiped, balled it up, and set it aside — I didn’t want to throw it in the trash because I might miss. Besides, I don’t want that in MY trash can — I’ll flush it later, under cover of darkness.
A few minutes later I started to eat my delicious Subway sandwich. I believe it was a twelve inch meatball. Unfortunately, I got some sauce on my face, so I reached for the closest paper towel to wipe my mouth.
12. I accidentally drank a year old, open, Mt. Dew.
I was in my uncle’s basement, and set my Dew down. The next sip I took was from a half-full one I left there the last time I was down there. I ran out the door and threw up on the lawn immediately after tasting the chunks of who-knows-what.
13. My ex had an electric razor that you could take the blade off of. One day my vibrator ran out of juice in the middle of a “self-service session”. In the heat of the moment, I decided to pick up said electric razor and finish myself off. Well…this little sucker ended up blowing my damn mind…so from that moment on, it was my go-to “toy” when I felt like getting my rocks off. He never knew about this little secret of mine, so he continued to use it to shave his face almost every day. I felt kind of bad, especially when I would walk by the bathroom and see him standing there with it. Buuut he was an asshole so it’s ok.
14. I was in the Army, deployed to Iraq. This was around ’03-’04, so there weren’t many normal toilets, just porta-potties. Anyways, it’s sweltering hot, but I need to take a dump. I get in, close the door, set my flack vest and my m-16 on the floor and settle in. Flies tend to stay in porta-potties, especially in the cooler parts like the reservoir. Anyways, I feel a tickle around my asshole, but what can you do? I drop the turd and right after I do, the fly makes a mad dash up my butthole Independence Day-style. He never returned.
15. I didn’t shower for 12 days. Stationed in former Yugoslavia as a UN/NATO peacekeeper after the Kosovo war in 1999, we initially had no hygiene facilities and were doing 18+ hour days.
I have never smelled so bad.
16. in College, I joined a fraternity as a freshman. during our “in-house initiation week” we would be charged with entertaining the live in brothers of the fraternity. One night, we had a talent show called “stupid pledge tricks”
I have no talent, so I decided to just do something disgusting. I cupped my hands and had all of my pledge brothers hawk up loogies and spit them into my hands. My plan was to wash may face with it. Mind you, we hadn’t been able to maintain personal hygiene during this time, so none of us had showered or brushed our teeth for a week.
There were 23 of us, and after i walked the length of the line up, my cupped hands were FULL of phlegm and loogies and spit.
As i’m about to wipe it all over my face, a drunk guy in the “audience” asks, “is he going to drink it?” so a light goes off in my head…..that would be even better.
So i slammed about 12 ounces of spit from a group of guys who hadn’t brushed their teeth in a week.
I puked, several of the brothers puked.
It eventually turned into a legend, from what I am told.
I was sober during this whole thing.
17. Was absolutely hammered at a party and decided I needed to take a dump. There was a passed out girl in the bathroom but I locked the door and got down to business. When I finished unloading this dense chocolate Santa I noticed there was no toilet paper. I just thought fuck it and wiped my arse on the passed out girl’s t-shirt before rejoining the party.
18. When I was in high school I lived on a cattle farm out in the sticks. My mother’s husband at the time ran the thing, and had no issues with creating health hazards.
Well apparently at some point a fully grown cow had died. Rather than dispose of the 1300 lb carcass properly, he dumped it on the other side of a hill roughly 200 feet from our house.
We found out about it 3 weeks later when our 180 lb mutant rottweiler gorged himself on rotten viscera and purged himself in the living room.
My mother puked outside, her husband wouldn’t enter the house, I was “volunteered” to go inside and clean it up.
I can’t accurately describe the stench. Just to give some idea of what I can tolerate, I will regularly eat out of the trash at my factory job, drink mop water, brush my teeth with the push-broom among other things, for the sole purpose of grossing out my co-workers. This smell was beyond any of that. If you’ve ever smelled burst pig intestines you’re on your way to understanding how bad this was. The only reason I didn’t puke was because I hadn’t eaten, I was dry heaving the whole time.
I had to get the snow shovel (biggest one you can get at home depot) to get this crap out. It took three trips with a full shovelful each time to cart it out (maybe 15-20 lbs per trip but time may be playing tricks on my recall of how heavy it was.) Took me about an hour to do it because I needed 15-20 minutes of recovery time in between trips to steel myself.
Almost as bad as the smell was the texture. I couldn’t just scoop it up because it would stick to itself and slide off like a thick gooey raw egg. It jiggled like jello and I could see different organ textures jumbled together.
And when all was said and done, it left a large greasy stain on the hardwood floor. No amount of scrubbing or cleaning would get rid of it. I lived there for another year before we moved out.
This was almost 17 years ago, and knowing that guy, he never had that floor sanded and the stain is still there.
19. I once stuck the jelly knife in the peanut butter.