1. My cat loves to knead in my hair while I’m lying in bed. However, she can only manage this if I’m lying on my right side. If I’m lying on my left side, she has developed a technique I call fluffboarding and attempts to smother me with her belly fur.
And if I roll over, she meows like I’m the jerk.
2. I have two dogs: a shih tzu, and what must be a 100 lb alaskan malamute.
The shih tzu NIBBLES EVERYTHING. Feet? Nibbled. Hand? Nibbled. Laptop screen? Nibbled. He’s an unstoppable, 14-inch cyclone of nibbles and wonky eyes.
The malamute likes to roll onto his back and look cute, trying to get you to pet his stomach. once you do, he’ll look you in the eye and sneeze on you. Repeatedly.
3. My cat puts her paw on my throat all the time when I stop petting her. It’s like she’s threatening to suffocate me.
4. My sweet, 150lb+ fur baby, Betsy decided to jump on up into my bed at 3am and landed on my foot… it’s now broken.
5. My cat is deaf now and she’s just so loud in the middle of the night because she can’t hear herself. Also the constant planting herself between me and my computer screen.
I try to be nice because she’s 16 and doesn’t have much time left. She was there for me when I couldn’t let anyone else be there for me and I owe this to her now. I don’t live at home and it absolutely kills me that I will probably not be there for her at the end the same way she was always there for me. I love my kitty so much :)
6. I woke up last night unable to breathe because my 55 lb pitbull was sleeping on my chest. I regularly wake up with back/neck pain because he pushes me across the bed at night because he feels the need to snuggle harder.
7. One of my cats has a thing with hair ties. They are like crack to her. Yesterday while I was in the bath she decided that she wanted the hair tie I’d put over a bottle of makeup remover on the counter. Ignoring all my attempts to get her to fuck off (they usually work) she knocks the bottle on the floor and runs off with her prize.
Her brother has taken to trying to eat the Christmas tree. It’s plastic.
8. Mostly when you have guinea pigs out/up, they will get restless and fidgety when they need to pee.
Except, apparently, when they’re just so comfortable that they don’t want to get up.
Today, as I lay on my couch, with a pig on my stomach, I witnessed her scoot out her butt and pee on me. Furry little bastard. She looked so pleased too.
9. My two little ass-hat cats decided to do tandem puking the other night (they puke a lot).
3am. I am asleep. Then I hear it.
OH GODDAMMIT. Girl cat has assumed the yak-position while perched on my torso. I flung her off the right side of the bed, and held her in place so she’d barf on the hardwood floor, and not on the rug.
5am. I am asleep again.
Oh are you fucking serious!
Boy cat is now to my right, about ready to barf. Flung him over the left side of the bed, but apparently not in time to keep it all on the wood floor, because when I woke up for good at 7:30, I realized he had kind of projectiled a bit onto the carpet.
10. Ever since I got knocked up (and seriously, the dogs knew before I did), they have become excessively clingy. It’s gotten to the point that my feet are getting bruised because the big one needs to be so close that he keeps stepping on my feet. They also keep almost killing me on the stairs.
The cat has decided that the baby’s toys are actually her toys. Tummy time mat = cat day lounger with batting accessories. Play mat = cat fort. Baby rattle, balls, and even stuffed animals are now just cat toys. Today, she stole one straight out of the baby’s hand.
11. So this week I was cooking a thing with a lot of chickpeas, like you do.
Both of my cats get excited when you open any can. They haven’t figured out that their cat food cans are actually very different, never involve a can opener, etc. So they both come running and start begging, and I show them the lid of the can, as a “here look, this isn’t delicious, now shoo” thing. And they both lunge and start licking that can lid like it’s covered in magical happiness juice. Haha. I fight them off and go to grab another ingredient from the fridge.
And my damn cat is on the counter in a split second, grabs some chickpeas from the can, and returns to the floor to nosh them excitedly. That’s right; I had to battle my idiot cat for two half-eaten chickpeas. And the next morning I woke up to find half a bag of paprika I hadn’t put away, spread across the kitchen floor. Yes, the spice. Yes, this is a disconcerting sight when it’s 6:30 and you haven’t put your contacts in yet.
I’ve known for a long time that my younger cat doesn’t know how to cat, but god damn, he’s not getting any better at it.
12. My (10 pound, pom mix) dog, feeling neglected, woke me up from a nap by pressing her toy against my head until it squeaked. It’s lucky she’s cute or she’d be out of here.
13. Oh my darling boy Han decided to steal an entire steak I made for dinner the other night when I left the room. I went to the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot and came back to my steak gone and he was munching away on it . I went to chase him off and grab the steak back and I kicked my coffee table hard as f*$k with all five toes and I’ve been limping around for two days. Oh and he and his brother Luke like to chase each other around the house at 3 in the morning and jump on the bed and propel themselves off of my tits so I wake up screaming in pain. My cats are both about 16 pounds.
14. I was having a nightmare about being shot in the chest and not being able to breathe. My boyfriend was leaning in close to my face and I was dying…until I woke up with my 90lb boxer lying on my chest, snorting on my face.
15. Every morning, around 6 a.m., my cat will come lay on my head, ass right in my face. He then stretches out over the pillow to dig his claws (smurgle my ass) into my husband’s shoulder or face, whichever is closer. He purrs the entire time.
Every. Single. Morning.
16. He keeps taking the sock monkey ornament from the tree. Just that one. And he keeps whacking the other cat in the face whenever that cat gets too chummy with me.
17. My cat panicked when the dog started barking at the door. When he panicked, he pissed himself… All over my purse.
18. My cats have sent me to the hospital twice, almost killed me twice, and have almost bankrupted me twice.
1. First acquired orphaned cats. New in my apartment, we are adjusting. Getting ready for work I stand up…putting all of my weight on Cat 2. I thought I killed him. Cat 1 valiantly leaps into the air and attaches himself on to my arm which he shreds to pieces. And a nice puncture wound. I looked like I wrestled with Freddy Kruger. A night in the ER, a round of IV abx and x-rays later, we made up.
2. Dangling Cat 3 over my face playfully. Her delicate nail catches the smallest bit of skin on my eyelid. We go to sleep. Wake up the next morning and my entire eye is black with a huge eyelid. The infection is streaming down my cheek. Students in my class convinced I was beat up by my boyfriend.
1. Wake up to horrible smell, it is so bad and strong it wakes me up even though my face is in the pillow. And the window is wide open so it must be coming from outside. I slam the window shut. Jump up and turn on the light and then freeze in horror grateful that I didn’t blow myself up. Cat 1 had turned the gas on the stove.
2. Pulled of all the knobs of my stove but one. Woke up to a clicking sound and flashing light. Fire. My cat. On fire. (Cat 2). He jumped on the stove and scorched all of the fur and whiskers off of one side. He was fine, but I was up all night cutting out the death-smelling burnt fur that he was trying to lick off.
1. Cat 3 is ill. Like a rag doll. Won’t eat or drink. Rush to best hospital in NY. Up all night. Cat in hospital for three days for tests. $2000 later, no problem found.
2. Cat 1 is clawing at me in the middle of the night. I push him off of the bed and hear him “thump” on the ground. I jump up and realize he is paralyzed from the waist down. Rush him to the hospital in the middle of the night. Saddle thrombosis, why he was clawing me awake. Put in an oxygen chamber for 2 days. $5,000 later and the asshole still dies.
Fuck these cats. Why do I love them so much.
19. My brother left his cereal unattended for the five seconds it takes to literally take two steps to the counter and get a napkin, only to turn around and see my german shepherd drinking the milk and staring right at him.
Not too recent, but still an asshole move.
20. My oldest kitty has the best nipple-radar ever. Whenever I get home, she sits on the footstool in the hallway and wants to smell my face (to make sure I haven’t been drinking or something, I don’t know), and when she reaches for me, she always manages to put her claws through one or both of my nipples. Doesn’t matter how many layers of clothing I’m wearing, she always finds a way.
I haven’t really figured out the young ‘un yet, since she’s only been with us a month, but one of her little quirks is that she loves chewing on hair. She’s very cuddly when I get in bed, but if I don’t pay her enough attention (such as if I try to read before going to sleep), she stands on my pillow and chews my hair.
Also, both of them like to sit and judge me while I poop, but that’s barely worth mentioning, since it seems to be standard cat behaviour.
21. Last night, my wonderful cat decided he needed to jump and land as hard as he could on my stomach. What was there? No idea. But he NEEDED to jump on me. It woke me up, I yelled in pain, he hid somewhere. A little while later he comes and sits on my face. I don’t know if he was saying “sorry for jumping on you so I’m gonna cuddle” or was just trying to kill me. He’s sleeping in the chair now and I just want to go poke his belly and sit really close to his face so he knows how it feels.
22. My corgi is notorious for asshole things. Last night he insisted on sleeping in my bed, but only in the very middle of the bed. I was forced to sleep around him because even if I moved him, he would lie next to me and pound my back or chest with those furious little thunder paws.
Also today he needed to puke, but instead of staying in the driveway, he hopped up into my car and THEN puked.
23. My kitty Tigerlily decided to pee on my bed this week when her litterbox was spotless. At first I was worried about if she had any health issues, because she’s normally pretty good about using it, so I took her to the vet. They said that while her pee was very concentrated (ewwww), she didn’t have any health issues and it was probably more of a behavioral thing. But honestly, there have been no real changes in the house, so I can’t figure out why she was stressed out, other than that she was just bored and feeling like an asshole that day.
I had a little chat with her on the way home, saying, “That’s what happens when you pee on my bed for no reason. You get to go to the vet. I know that wasn’t enjoyable for either of us.” She looked up at me with a solemn, knowing glance.
It was back to annoying me with borderline-violent headbutts within the evening.
24. Afternoon, today. Worked on a project for literally 15 hours straight (and more to go now!). As I’m going to take a nap — which was because I was passing out, and needed to take a final before midnight, with another class later that I ended up skipping — my mom goes, “Hey! He’s stuck! I think he’s stuck behind a box!” about my cat, EvilShitMaster3000. I was in the “almost totally asleep phase” – is this when cats strike most? I think so – as well. I jump off the couch, run in, and he comes right out of her closet. He was not stuck. He was not trapped. He was just being an inflamed dickhole, like his usual self.
I return to the couch, annoyed and cranky. I finally managed to sleep. But then my other furry child, HexWhoxShallxNotxWoofx14, decided he wants to sleep too, but only if it’s right up my asshole! Have you ever slept with a dog’s nose in your buttcheeks, unintentionally? It is not pleasant. One fart and you’ll kill him (he is a small chihuahua).
How do I annoy thee?
Let me count the ways.