1. Blue Ringed Octopus
Before you go, WHAT THE FUCK, OCTOPI ARE NOT CUTE, (Octopi / octopuses /
octopussies is plural of octopus.) I want to say that these little fuckers are so adorable with their little blue rings and limp-ass tentacles. But here’s the thing. They can kill a grown-ass man within minutes of their bite. One blue-ringed octopus has enough venom to kill 26 adults. The best part about all of this is that there is no antivenom for this sucker’s poison.
These cute duck-billed mammals are actually the jerkoffs of the animal kingdom. They lure unsuspecting men and women with their cute little beaverish bodies and then, when you’re peering down at the little creatures, they strike, without a care for your future, using the spurs on the back of their legs to inject you with excruciating poison — enough to kill a small child.
This must be their revenge on the higher powers that thought it would be great to create a duck with the body of a beaver.
3. Pfeffer’s flamboyant cuttlefish
Oh boy, those colors! Look at how vibrant they are. Let me touch. Let me look. Wait! Don’t do that. It’s documented that these little guys have toxins just as strong as the venom from the the blue-ringed octopus.
Alright, I’ll concede. They don’t look cute. Until they blow their bodies up. Then they look comical.
Some people take great thrill in consuming pufferfish. If prepared wrong, the consumer will experience dizziness and vomiting, followed by numbness and prickling over the body, rapid heart rate, decreased blood pressure, and muscle paralysis.
5. Poison dart frog
We’ve seen these colorful frogs on the Discovery Channel, and that time we got lost at the Bronx Zoo, because you just had to see the rainforest exhibit.
What we’ve learned about the poison dart frog is that they secrete lipophilic alkaloid toxin through their skins. If their colors don’t scare you — the poison will. The most venomous of all poison dart frogs is the golden poison frog, of which their poison is used by tribes in the Amazon to coat their weapons with poison (and that poison lasts up to two years). It turns out that for these frogs to maintain their level of poison, they have to have an alkaloid diet. Poison dart frogs raised in captivity do not have the toxicity of frogs found in the wild.
6. Slow loris
Let’s just take a moment here to observe how cute slow lorises are.
Look at its eyes! And how fluffy and soft it all looks!
As it turns out, slow lorises have quite the nasty bite. Some researchers say that their bites are not venomous, but actually have similar chemical compounds of that of cat dander, which would make it an allergic reaction. Either way, considering I am extremely allergic to cats, this is another animal to add to that list.
While they don’t possess venom sacs or poison glands, hedgehogs coat their spines with their saliva. This allows for possible infection (and ultimately poison) a potential predator. Handle them carefully!
8. Maned rat
The maned rat looks actually more like a porcupine. Its mane covers its glandular skin, which the rat rubs on chewed bark from Acokanthera schimperi, a highly poisonous plant, and is the first time ever recorded in science that an animal is able to rub poison on its own skin without suffering damage.
9. Box jellyfish
Box jellyfish, although small, translucent, and looking all elegant in the water, is considered to be one of the most venomous creatures on earth. Its venom creates holes in red blood cells to cause potassium leaks! This causes hyperkalemia, cardiac arrest and death within 2 to 5 minutes.