A Caveman’s Response To The Paleo Diet

It’s everywhere. In your stupid folded paper magazines, and your nonsensical Pinterest picture board, and on your Rachael Ray television programs, which might be a joke about how bad television programs can be, or might be an actual show. I can’t figure out yet, I am only caveman. There is lot of things I don’t know. Why the burning ball of fire in the sky gets so angry in the middle of the day. Or why your kitty cats grow so displeased when I pet them from back to front. But there is one thing I DO know, and this I know for sure: you people need to chill the fuck out about my diet. Paleolithic diet it is called on wikipedia computer machine, though I understand it is spoken as “Paleo” or “Caveman” diet for short. Basically I see it to be this: if you eat like a caveman you will become skinny and attractive and handsome like the Matthew McConaughey. Who is surprisingly good actor when he is not taking off shirt and playing on bongo drums. But there is a lot about being Paleolithic that you moderns don’t get, so I will try to explain. Because I understand it is supposed to be like this on the Catalog of Thoughts, I will make list.

1. When did you decide caveman lifestyle is healthy? My lifespan is 25 years long, I fight dinosaurs, and our children die in birth like 150% of the time. Your house flies are better bets for longevity than me. Is that a vitamin you just took? Puke it out. The closest thing we had to multi-vitamin was licking a rock you just used to kill a fish. Mmmm, fish rock.

2. Paleo diet has tons of frittatas. “Frit” is the sound your body makes when it’s crushed by a wooly mammoth. That’s the closest we get to frittata.

3. Paleo diet say it will improve skin and clear up acne. Because that’s what we really going after, how good our skin looked. “Hold on, let me take break from discovering fire, need to make sure red bumps on face go away so I can look smooth and natural like cast member of Friends.”

4. Every recipe in Paleo Diet is filled with ingredients that caveman have absolutely no access to. Here is one I find on Google machine.

Simple Herb Crusted Salmon

(Nothing with crust is “Simple.” Crusts require heat, heat requires rubbing two sticks together for two hours and praying to mighty gods, none of which is simple. Also not simple: wading into a river and catching a Salmon with my bare hands. You have fishing rod and grocery store, caveman have only dirty paws and sharp teeth. My way is Paleolithic, your way is Paleopathetic.)


  • 2 salmon fillets (6oz each)

(6 ounces? No caveman problem. Let me just get out metric scale made from wood, leaves, and tree bark.)

  • 1 heaping tablespoon coconut flour

(What is flour? Also, what is coconut, tablespoon, and heaping?)

2 tablespoons fresh parsley (or dried, if you have on hand)

(I have nothing on hand. My pantry is the side of cave that no one has relieved self on yet. I fight sabre-toothed tiger everyday, I’m lucky if I have hands on hand. Screw you.)

  • 1 tablespoon dijon mustard

(Dijon mustard, I have. I mean, I not a frigging neanderthal.)

For the salad

  • 2 cups arugula

(I do like nice peppery green. I will admit, even caveman have soft spot for nice peppery greens.)

  • ¼ red onion, sliced thin

(Oh yeah, I will be sure to slice onion real thin. What instrument do you suggest I use, dead animal bone or sharpened boulder? Actually, on second thought, how about we used mound of onion mush I stepped on? Is that Paleo enough?)

  • 1 tablespoon white wine vinegar

(If I have white wine I’m not going to let it spoil then pour on it top of stupid piece of fish.)

  • salt and pepper, to taste


5. You know why Caveman stay skinny? Because I exercise constantly. I have no couch to sit on and no Big Bang Theory to watch. I run from predator all day, swim with wife in stream all night, and on top of that get in 45 minutes on elliptical and some pretty wicked crunches. You do that, it don’t matter what you eat. Remember that, modern chubbies, next time you bite into bread made of flax seed, almond meal, and coconut oil. You could be running instead. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Author of the best-selling Kindle Single “Not A Match.”

Keep up with Brian on Twitter

More From Thought Catalog