What Goes Through My Mind Every Time I Watch Catfish

OK, it’s Catfish time, which means…I have to turn on MTV. God I feel dirty already. MTV used to play music videos, which let’s be honest, was pretty friggin’ boring. Because really, who listens to a song and thinks “I wish I could watch the person sing this directly into the camera in duckface?” Or, even worse, “I wish I could watch this song set to an inexplicable combination of sexy angels and an old lady drinking coffee in a diner.” Then MTV became the channel that everyone made fun of for not showing music videos, when their whole purpose was to show music videos. Now it’s a channel devoted to, as far as I can tell, young people arguing then immediately having sex. It is lame, and formulaic, and the lowest common denominator and OH MY GOD CATFISH STARTED TWO MINUTES AGO. Turn on MTV, turn on MTV!!!!!!

What’s it gonna be this week? I mean, we’ve had pretty much every permutation, right? We’ve had gays pretending to be straights, guys pretending to be girls, girls pretending to be guys, transgendered pretending to be origi-gendered, and of course lots and lots of fats pretending to be skinnies. That’s a pretty big one for Catfish. In fact, they should probably just change the name to Fatfish. But they’ve got to be pretty much out of things someone can lie about over the computer, don’t they? Maybe this week it’ll be dogs. Dogs pretending to be cats in an elaborate internet ploy to get to poop inside. Come onnnn, dogs! Ohhhh great. It’s two humans. AGAIN. Boo…

Alright Nev and Max, enough is enough! You travel the world together, staying in cramped hotels, fighting for true love for everyone else, when your own romance is staring you right in the face. Somebody’s gotta say it, Nev and Max…can’t you see that you’re in love?! I know you’re straight (theoretically), but come on. You wake up across from each other with your hipster hair so hiply disheveled, your hipster beards perfectly scruffed, and your hipster V-necks reaching all the way down to your hipster navels. So just give up the charade and do the sexies already. Nev, pull one of your patented internet searches, except this time type in “True Love.” When Max’s picture comes up as the result, jump in between his Marriott Suites sheets and get it done! We’re rooting for you!…

Wait, what did I just hear? “We were supposed to meet in person, but he called to say he got carjacked, and then got run over by the very same car, and would be in the hospital forever, so we’d have to hang out another time.” There we have it, the most amazing excuse ever made on national TV. I’m sorry about everything I said MTV! You’re the greatest!…

Sound the alarm! It’s 15 minutes in and we have our first official Google Images search! This entire franchise is based on regular people not being able to do image searches, right? Has that ever happened before? A whole TV show built around 5 minutes of internet research? Is there a Find and Replace sitcom? Or a Spellcheck Reality Spectacular? Once people figure out how to drag and drop pictures on their own, this whole Catfish thing is going down the tubes….

Oh really? You mean the insanely hot, super-modelesque person you met online is lying about their appearance? Who woulda thought? I mean how else is that Beyonce lookalike gonna find a boyfriend, other than jump on a computer and start talking to someone six states away? I’m sure that happens all the time. Here’s a test. Do the photos of the person you’re speaking to make them look legitimately attractive? Then the pictures are probably fake. Do they look like headshots? Fake. Are they taken from an album cover? Fake. Do they only have three total pictures, or photoshop everything, or look not crazy, or have all their limbs? Fake fake fake fake. And if they can’t work a webcam, then they are either lying, or my mom. In either case, keep moving…

Uh oh, they’re playing another song I don’t know. And there’s the crawl of who it’s by and what it’s called, just to underline how out of touch I am. I’d feel a lot better about myself if they could just throw in one tune for us lame-os. Maybe Wilson Phillips? Could we get a little Wilson Phillips in the house? No? How about some Peter Cetera? Nothing?…

Aaaand surprise surprise, the person being obviously duped lives in the deep south. Not really helping the stereotypes, guys. If I was Alabama I’d start to worry about my citizens a bit, because like half their population has been catfished at this point…

Yeah, we get it, Max. You hold your camera at weird angles. It’s terribly avant garde. Now would you please get out of the frame, Nev is being genuine and sympathetic! This is his magic hour! Give Nev room to shine!…

Really? “We’re gonna try to stay friends.” You’re gonna try to stay friends with this person who broke your heart and lied to you 8,000 times in the last 3 years? You don’t believe it, he doesn’t believe it, my girlfriend doesn’t believe it and she’s been asleep for 45 minutes. How about you be honest and say “I will talk to them once more, and then trash them for the rest of my life?” That’s the Catfish way… TC mark

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image – Sin Amigos

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