It’s the worst news I’ve had in months. This morning I went into the “Scheduled Recordings” section of my DVR, just to make sure it was gonna tape all of my really important programs, like Wedding Island and Toddlers and Tiaras and Wedding Island That is Covered with Toddlers in Their Tiaras, and that’s when I saw it. Breaking Bad, the show that’s occupied the holy #1 priority slot on my DVR since 2008, was now appearing in bold. Which means there are new episodes set to record. That’s right. The beginning of the end is upon us. On August 11th, the final half of the final season of one of the best TV shows ever made will air, and I’m not sure I can take it. Didn’t it seem like just yesterday Walter was a goofy science teacher, Sklyer was a humble pregnant mom who drew faces in the scrambled eggs, and Walt Jr. was, well, Walt Jr.? It’s finally happened. The kids are all grown up, and they’re leaving us behind. I’ll tell you what’s breaking bad: my heart, and it’s all those stupid little bold letters’ fault. Sigh. At least I have new episodes of Honey Boo Boo to hold me ‘til the crying stops.
Like any other Breaking Bad obsessive, I’m wondering how the show will end. Would I rather see Walt take over the entire Southwest and become the Serpico of shiny blue glass, or watch his wife strangle him to death with her bare hands? Should Saul Goodman turn state’s witness and sell the lot of ‘em up the river, or could Hit Man Mike come back from the dead and settle the score himself? All are possible (don’t take my Ghost of Mike Ehrmantraut dreams away from me!), but knowing Breaking Bad, it’ll probably end with something none of us ever expected. With that in mind, here are my hopes for how the darkest little show in show business could conclude.
8. Walt Lives, Everyone Else Dies. Remember when Bryan Cranston’s character was just a sweet guying taking his shot at the American dream? OK, the American dream plus cancer and crystal meth. But now Walt’s…different. And by different, I mean heartless, selfish, and insufferable. It’s probably the greatest turn of any lead character in TV history, and because it’s been written brilliantly, a little part of us, deep down, is still rooting for him to rule the day. Or maybe that’s just me. I have always had a thing for heartless and insufferable. So wouldn’t it be fun to see Heisenberg survive, but at the cost of his family–the very thing he was fighting for to begin with? Perhaps they could die in a meth fire, with Walt too busy growing his empire to return in time to save them? Alright, maybe fun isn’t the right word. But cool, right? RIGHT?
7. Hank Arrests Him: How awesome is Hank? In season one, he was a blustery idiot with a badge, just a splash of comic relief to lighten things up in between the chemo and the murders. Five seasons later however, Hank might be Breaking Bad’s most lovable character. He’s certainly the most redeemable, and for some reason, thinking about him shopping for his mineral collection on ebay always makes me smile. Hank’s been on Heisenberg for years now, and I’d love to see him finally haul Walt off to prison in the show’s final moments. I mean, anyone who’s gotta spend his life surrounded by Marie’s interior design deserves a break.
6. Jesse Turns Walt In, Or Shoots His Face: Let’s be honest, the ladies love Aaron Paul. And when his character says things like “Yeah, Bitch! Magnets!”, the dudes are right there with ‘em. Jesse’s been under Mr. White’s thumb for too long, and it’s about time he gets all Gus-Fring-With-A-Boxcutter on his ass. I mean, he’s gotta find out about Jane eventually, right? Or get hard evidence on Brock? I know the season is framed with a flash forward, proving that Walt stays alive for years to come, but if he kills Jesse to make that happen, I’m never going to forgive him. You hear that, fictional character in a TV show that’s already done shooting? I’ll never forgive you! My lord, do I need some hobbies.
5. Exploitation of Every End of Run Cliche: Wouldn’t it be fun if Breaking Bad got all trashy in their last year and embraced all the sleazy tropes of shows that call it quits? Like, maybe the Whites can get a fluffy dog, have their a cute cousin named Oliver move in, win the lottery, AND have it all turn out to be a dream in one fell swoop? That’d be good for some laughs.
4. Surprise Guest Star…Omar Little!: Walter closes his front door and walks confidently to his new Aztec, certain that he has won the battle and the war. Suddenly, we hear a haunting whistle in the distance. Is that…Farmer in the Dell? But that means…can it be…OH MY GOD IT’S OMAR FROM THE WIRE! Walt is a drug dealer, and we know what Omar does: he robs drug dealers. Sure it makes no sense, but every TV nerd’s head would explode right then and there, with all of their favorite things finally in the same place. Throw in Tyrion Lannister if you really want to gild the lily.
3. Skylar Turns Walter In, Marries John Stamos. After what she’s been through, that woman deserves a little Stamos.
2. Walt Jr. has guns in his crutches. There’s 60 seconds left in the show’s existence, and everything seems neatly tied up and completed. Then sweet, innocent Walt Jr. rises from his chair. He drops his crutches to the ground, then takes three defiant, stable steps in his father’s direction. “You may be the one who knocks, but I am the ONE WHO WALKS!” he yells, proudly standing tall for the first time. It’s all been an elaborate ruse for a reason I don’t really understand. But he grabs one of his crutches from the floor, pulls the trigger, and mows down everyone in sight.
1. It’s All A Joke!: After the final credits roll, a caption appears onscreen. It reads: “We’re not ending the show. It’s still too good. This has all been one hilarious practical joke. Gotcha! Tune in tomorrow for the next five seasons.” Please let that be the ending. PLEASE.