Pat Benatar was right, love is a battlefield. A battlefield, but with boners. It took me a long time to find my love. Like, you know, my entire life. There were dalliances, sure. With Elise Estes in 2nd grade, who said she loved me in a school play so I decided to pretend that meant it was real. It was magical, until I gave her a ring I made in arts & crafts and she threw it in the garbage. Or my first lab partner, Sheila MacGregor, who seemed like a perfect companion until I learned of her alarming disdain for mint chocolate chip ice cream. Because if you can’t share green milkshakes, then what chance do you really have? Then in college, there was the beautiful Tanya Melissa, the girl with two first names, zero interest in me, and a burgeoning cocaine problem. It couldn’t have worked, I’m just too lazy for drug addictions. I mean, all the buying and the snorting and the hiding, it sounds like a lot of good nap time wasted. None of these women, or any others since, have fit. Only recently, this year in fact, have I truly fallen in love for the first time. She just feels right, like we’re the perfect pair, like we can happily sit across from one another and stare lovingly into each other’s gaze for years and years to come. Her name is Vizio, and she’s a 47 inch television with 4 HD inputs and built-in wifi. There’s my girlfriend too, obviously, who is equally amazing, and has the advantage of being an actual human being. But gosh darn it do I love my new TV.
I met my woman and my television at around the same time, and truth be told, they’ve taught me a lot about each other. Partially because my girlfriend reads instruction manuals, and I just start mashing buttons, so she’s showed me a lot about Vizio, like how to turn it on. But the TV has taught me about the thing you humans call love as well. They’re really not so different, TVs and females. They’re both endlessly entertaining, wonderful to look at, and get upset when you drop them on the floor. But that’s not all I’ve learned from these two new additions to my life. Here’s a complete list of everything I’ve gathered.
Just Because It Doesn’t Fit at First, That Doesn’t Mean It Isn’t Meant to Be: My old television was 27” and had a permanent blue smudge spot in the corner, like it was once used to crush a Smurf. The picture claimed to be HD, but was more accurately described as KHDBRJC (Kinda HD But Really Just Crappy). So when a new, state of the art TV came to take its place, it took a little adjusting. At first it seemed too big, too bright, too loud. “Wait, why can I hear things perfectly without jacking the volume up to 95? That has to be a mistake, right?” I considered taking it back. And new love can be this way too. Maybe you’re not used to spending all your time with another person. Or she believes in texting and you believe in talking. Or she believes in cleaning and you believe in sitting. Anything new requires adjustment. Don’t give up on something that has a lot of potential just because it isn’t perfect from the get-go. Love is like a built-in DVR, it takes a while to set up, but when you’re sitting back with your lady and watching the Golden Girls, you’ll be happy you put in the time.
Twitter Helps Nothing: My new television comes with Twitter. I have no idea why. “Hey, you know what would really spice up this episode of Mad Men? Using half the screen to check my twitter roll for new jokes about Paula Deen!” Who’s watching TV and thinking “God I want to check Twitter right now, if only I could figure out a way how?” TV doesn’t need Twitter. And neither does relationships. Sitting next to someone who’s constantly staring at their phone and tweeting or instagraming or instatweeting is irritating. Love your girlfriend more than your telephone. Especially if you have an Android.
Sex Matters: I swear to god in heaven I got a tiny bit of an erection when I first turned on my new TV. If that doesn’t happen, you have made the wrong decision. Both in love, and in electronics.
Don’t Keep Your Love a Secret: I tell my girlfriend I love her at least 3 times a day. If I tell you how many times I say the same thing to my Vizio, we’re all gonna be a little embarrassed, so let’s just leave it at this: I say it a lot.
Don’t Be Distracted By The Bells & Whistles: I can check my email, Facebook, voicemails, and stock portfolio on my television. All of those things are about as valuable as fake boobs, washboard abs, or a flawless sense of style on the love of your life. Focus on the pragmatics, not the frills. I mean, checking my stock portfolio? It took me 15 years to buy a new TV, you really think I’m rolling in the shares of Apple?
They Gotta Make You Laugh: If either your TV or your girlfriend doesn’t get The Mindy Project, then end it now. There’s just no point in living without giggles.