Costco isn’t just a store to get cheap Q-tips, bizarrely good hot dogs, and a bottle of Jack Daniels that’s bigger than your face; it’s also a place to learn about love. If your relationship is on the rocks, skip couples counseling–just get the biggest car you can find and swing by Costco. You’ll get better intimacy AND 7000 razor blades, all for a very reasonable price.
Here’s all the big box store has taught me…
It’s OK To Let Your Partner Lead: You know what happens when I’m in charge of the cart at Costco? We end up going down every single aisle, and spending 20 minutes staring at two different kinds of toothpaste. Then I realize we bought toothpaste last month, so we won’t need to get it again until approximately 2033. I am not a good leader. Should you need further evidence, please consult the 30 or so old ladies I’ve accidentally rammed in the ankle with my cart. You see, when I’m driving the wagon, I get mesmerized by all the options. “Look, honey! They have Jarlsberg cheese! And Havarti! Do we have enough room in the kitchen for a second cheese fridge?”… and then in all the excitement, I drive my cart right into a sweet old lady who’s stopped in front of me. Cold, hard metal slamming right up into their sweet, Angela Lansbury ankles. Then they look back at me like I almost killed them, because, well, I pretty much did, and then, in the greatest tragedy of all, we forget to buy cheese altogether. When my girlfriend leads, this doesn’t happen. You don’t have to be in charge all the time. Some people are meant to lead, others are better suited to stop and smell the discounted pastrami.
It’s Important to Sample New Experiences: Sure it’s nice that everything at Costco is so cheap, but let’s be honest, we’re really there for the free samples. There’s pretty much nothing I wouldn’t do for a tiny white cup of free food. Honestly, I’d go to the DMV once a week if they put some kettle corn out in the lobby. It’s fun because it’s cheap, but also, I’m not gonna buy a 10 lb bag of turkey jerky, so a sample is a good chance to try it out. This works for dating too. If you find yourself spending too many nights with your partner at home on the couch, switch things up and go for a walk. Or, if you’re as lazy as I am, simply change positions on the couch. It’s a whole new world! Get drinks with new friends. Try a game night instead of a movie. Just make sure that if you’re experimenting, your mate is coming along too. Once I neglected to grab a sample cup of yogurt raisins for my girlfriend, and she hasn’t forgiven me since.
There’s No Such Thing as Too Much Toilet Paper: In love, in shopping, and in life.
Communicate: Once I got separated from my girlfriend at Costco, and couldn’t find her for half an hour. When we reunited, things had changed. She’d seen stuff. Dark stuff. Even when you’re in love, you need to keep track of where your partner is at, mentally and physically. Otherwise people will feel neglected. Plus, there’s questionable cell reception at Costco, so you can forget about texting. Basically, it’s like you’re in an evil super villain’s underground lair. A villain who really cares about value.
Don’t Skimp on What’s Important: In relationships, that means affection, intimacy, and trust. At Costco, it’s trash bags and paper towels. A relationship without trust is like a garbage bag without support, no matter how hard you try, sooner or later you’re gonna wind up with cat food on your foot. (Slogan available for t-shirts and licensing.)
You Can Never Be Too Forgiving: I’m pretty sure you could push your TV off a cliff and Costco would still let you return it. I once brought them a toaster with HALF A BAGEL STILL STUCK IN IT, and they gave me my money back. They never ask too many questions, or look at you like the derelict that you clearly have become. You simply say you’re sorry and all is forgiven – just the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend.
Quality Over Quantity: A few months back, I bought a box of Alaskan Salmon Patties because they were 15 for $12.99. Which was great, until I realized I can’t stand Alaskan Salmon Patties. They’ve been in my freezer ever since. I’m holding onto them until Halloween, when I can toss them into the trick or treaters’ bags and yell, “Here you go, kids! Salmon burgers, the candy of the sea!” You don’t need to spend every minute with your partner to remain close. It’s the quality of your time together, not the quantity of minutes. Especially if one of you has salmon breath.
Good Meat and Good Alcohol Means a Good Relationship: Once again: in love, in shopping, and in life. Is that dirty? I’ll leave that up to you.