The Super Bowl halftime show has a rich cultural tradition of being awful. It’s OK though, because after 90 minutes of football, commercials, and non-stop eating of things covered with cheese, it’s good to get up and walk around a little bit. Maybe hop on the treadmill, go for a stroll around the house, or walk to 7-11 to buy the snacks you saw advertised during the game that are also covered with cheese. And in the past that was fine, because you really weren’t missing anything. The NFL halftime gods loved to roll out some rock band comprised of partially living but mostly dead white men, they’d sing songs from before we were born, and occasionally the Black Eyed Peas would appear to spice things up. And we guys, we were used to that. It was bad, but we didn’t care. Kinda like the entertainment version of Bud Light. But this year, everything changed. Beyonce was the star, and men and women, collectively, were blown away. After watching her 15 minute halftime spectacular, all of America could be left with only one conclusion: Holy shit, Beyonce is amazing at everything.
As great as it was to see Beyonce destroy, it was also kinda intimidating. I mean, she’s gorgeous, supremely talented, a great business woman, and probably smells naturally of vanilla and lilacs. She can dance, she can sing, and I have feeling that if you dropped her in the middle of an Iron Chef episode she’d kick ass there too. Unless she was going against Morimoto. No one kicks Morimoto’s ass. But seriously, is there anything Beyonce can’t do? She’s basically a life-sized, incredibly hot Swiss Army Knife.
Here now is a list of all the things Beyonce can do better than us.
1. Singing live. Duh.
2. Signing recorded. How about this, when you can sing the National Anthem 1/80th as well as Beyonce live, you can complain that she did it on tape. Until then, you’re kinda annoying.
3. Giving a sultry look directly into a camera. Her Super Bowl facial expressions ranged from “I’m the hottest woman on Earth” to “Did you just take the last oatmeal raisin cookie at Whole Foods?! Because I will cut your throat if you did.”
4. Dancing. I have two moves on the dance floor. One is pumping my fist, and the other is a self-conscious looking robot who doesn’t want to make too much of a scene. I call him Morty. Beyonce has 7,000 moves, all of them breathtaking, and none of them named Morty. Clearly, she wins.
5. Marrying people. Her husband is a rapper so ubiquitous that even I’ve heard of him, he has 14 Grammys, and he owns part of a basketball team. Who’s more awesome than that?! The last girl I dated had a dog with three legs and constantly smelled like cottage cheese. Game over.
6. Cardio. Beyonce doesn’t cheat and hold on to the handlebars when she’s on the treadmill. She does it for real. I’d die without the handlebars.
7. Looking hot. Also duh.
8. Tetris. Whenever Beyonce needs the straight line, the straight line shows the fuck up.
9. Recycling. When Beyonce brings her cans to the curb, they’re always spotless. No old mayonnaise sticking to the jar or anything. It’s not because she cleans them, it’s because her recyclables have the good sense to clean themselves.
10. Wearing clothes. During the Super Bowl halftime show, my shirt looked at me and said “Look at her! Why can’t you wear me like that?” I just sighed, knowing it was right. Damn shirt.
11. Dancing next to a guitar that’s shooting out fire. Did you see that crazy guitar that was basically a handheld volcano? That thing was a stop-drop-and-roll waiting to happen. Seriously, if I had been dancing there, I would’ve be on fire in 30 seconds, and demanding an airlift to the hospital in 45. Yet Beyonce just bopped around, sang, and looked sexy. The best I could’ve done was stand there frightened, holding a fire extinguisher. OK, two fire extinguishers.
12. Using Q-tips. Beyonce never inserts too far into her ear, nor skims too shallow. Of course it doesn’t matter, because she never has ear wax. Beyonce’s ears are filled with solid gold and caramel Frappuccinos.
13. Eating flaming hot Cheetos. Her fingers are biologically resistant to orange dust.
14. Writing songs. They come to her when she’s asleep, fully formed, with producer suggestions and back-up singers already attached.
15. Opening a can of tuna fish. Her can opener never slips off the can and turns the lid into one jagged, unopenable mess. As in, what happens to me 100% of the time. She never spills gross tuna water on her hands either. Beyonce is on a whole other plane than tuna water.
16. Watching Wes Anderson movies. She knew Darljeeling Limited would be awful, so she just watched Rushmore again instead.
17. Proofreading essays. If you think Beyonce has ever mis-typed “your” or “you’re” in something she’s writing, your completely out of you’re mind.
We give up, Beyonce, you win.