The pilot for BBC’s Sherlock is, hyperbole be damned, a TV masterpiece. It’s intelligent without being alienating, hilarious while remaining grounded, and totally original while still feeling approachable and classic. The first time I saw it, I remember saying “Wow” out loud at least a dozen times. It’s the kind of show you watch then immediately jump on Facebook and Twitter to insist that all your friends watch too. It’s as if before writing every scene, the creators asked, “OK, how do we make this as fun as humanly possible?” and then executed that gameplan. The rest of the series is great, but that pilot is a storytelling clinic. And now it sounds like the US won’t be getting more Sherlock brilliance until… 2014! How could that be?! I can’t wait two years. I mean, who knows if we’re even gonna be alive in two years? There could be plagues, explosions, zombies — who knows! If you’re as panicked as I am about the delay, here are a few tips I’ve come up with to satisfy your Sherlock fix. They’re not as fun as a brilliantly solved caper, but for now I guess they’ll have to do.
Push people off buildings until one of them lives
If you’re gonna take two years off in between seasons of a TV show, the way to do it is to go out on a perplexing death scene that will keep your fans obsessed for as long as necessary. At the end of Sherlock’s second season, he jumps off a building and appears to totally eat it on the pavement below. But, because he’s Sherlock Holmes, and because a show filled with Watson’s sardonic reactions to the non-existent quips of a dead man wouldn’t really play, we learn of course that Sherlock is still alive. So now everyone in the world wants to know how he pulled it off. OK, everyone in the world who watches too much TV and maybe is a little light in the recreational hobbies department. Which, of course, includes me. There are countless Youtube videos that claim to know the secret, but I found them insufficient, so I took to the only remaining option: shoving strangers off buildings and carefully studying the results. So far, everyone’s died. BUT, on the plus, I have gotten very good at evading the police. So, you know, win some lose some.
Get a Mrs. Hudson
A great way to stay in touch with Sherlock is to arrange your own 221B Baker Street situation. You know, find yourself a giant apartment with classic architectural touches, run by a sweet old British lady who’ll bring you tea and biscuits and not get mad when she almost dies because of your behavior. My landlord yells at me when I play music too loud, and if I asked him to make me tea, would laugh and then promptly have me evicted, so you’ve got your work cut out for you. One tip: if your landlord is a balding Armenian man in his late 60’s, do not insist on calling him Mrs. Hudson. It doesn’t help.
Rewatch the British Office
It’s amazing how much of Sherlock’s charm boils down to the facial reactions of Martin Freeman. He’s so good he could invent his own form of sign language called “No Hands, Just Eyebrows.” To get an extra dose of his Dr. Watson goodness, watch him again as Tim in the original Office. The best.
Dip into the dark and terrifying world that is Sherlock fan art
Ever wonder what Sherlock would look like as baby deer? This person did.
Stare at everyone’s hands
In the pilot, Sherlock looks at a corpse’s hands and learns that she’s an office worker who’s been unhappily married for over 10 years and has regular affairs with people she doesn’t know. It’s his go-to move on half of his cases — checking out some weirdo’s paws. I swear, if everyone wore gloves, Sherlock wouldn’t catch a soul. So in Sherlock’s honor, become a budding hand sleuth, just like me. So far all I’ve learned is that the clerk at my 7-11 chews his nails, and that women, in general, wear nail polish. But I’m just a beginner.
Walk up to someone you barely know and punch them in the groin
Arch enemies just make the day go by faster. Don’t we all need a little Moriarty in our lives? Someone to text us in the middle of the night and threaten to kill a random stranger if we don’t solve their riddle? Or strap a bomb to the chest of our best friend? Or just have a really creepy laugh? I think we do, especially if we’re expected to endure another year without Sherlock. But arch enemies aren’t easy to come by. Sure, you can just pick a random stranger and throw pie in their face, but they’ll just write you off as a random loon and move on with their lives. To build a true, lasting enemy, it has to be someone you know. Someone who will look at you and wonder, “Jeez, when did that guy start hating me so much? You know what, I hate him too!” And there’s no better way to get an acquaintance to hate you than to just knock on their door, wait for them to answer, then punch them right square in the nuts. I’ve gotten 8 arch enemies that way, and expect to hit double digits before the year is out. Sure, I’ve lost most of my friends, but now I have menacing cellphone tete a tetes to look forward to for months to come.