Game of Thrones just recently began filming their third season, which means we’re not gonna be seeing new episodes for another six months. And I’ll be honest, HBO, I think I speak for America when I say… we can’t last that long. We need our regular fix of bald, suspicious eunuchs. We’re not gonna make it to March without that uncomfortable feeling you get from watching what you think is an exciting sexual encounter, but turns out to actually be super creepy incest. Or Direwolves! Do you know how unlikely it is that I’m going to encounter a kinda psychic wolf in the greater Los Angeles area before next spring?! Very, very unlikely. I can’t take this!
Well worry not, dear reader, if your Game of Thrones withdrawal is as bad as mine, here are some techniques to relieve the anxiety. Some of them are illegal, pretty much all of them are immoral, but when you’re in clutches of a bad Game of Thrones jones, you take what you can get.Here’s what you do…
Make a Really Short, Awesome Friend: I haven’t read the books, maybe Tyrion Lannister gets killed next season, but I can’t imagine the show without him. Or my life, for that matter. There’s just something great about a super short dude who’s constantly drunk and constantly getting laid. He’s like the Hangover cast member that time forgot. How to fill that Peter Dinklage-sized hole that’s been left in your life? Go to an AA meeting, make friends with the shortest guy there, and then go have the craziest night of your life. Ideally, kill someone with a sword along the way. Should you have some moral compunction about luring a man out of sobriety to suit your own desperate needs, good for you. You’re a good person. Swing by the local high school and grab a teenager instead. They love drinking and promiscuity, so maybe they’re a better match anyway. I don’t know why it feels important that your Tyrion stand-in actually be undersized, it just does.
Find Someone to Totally Hate: King Joffrey is world-class jerkface. He’s one of those rare villains that’s fun to hate, and other than Jey Leno, there’s not a lot of that going on nowadays. Just the sight of Joffrey, all blond and arrogant and twelve, makes me want to punch somebody. It seems strange to miss that, but I do. And I bet you do too.
I mean come on, how good would this feel right now?
So please, find someone in your personal life that is equally worthy of disdain, just to get your blood moving again. I recommend: the clerk at the deli counter who never slices your turkey thin enough, your Mom, your ex, your Mom’s ex, anyone on the subway, Sting, etc.
Visit a Neighborhood You Never Go To, Referring to it Strictly as “North of The Wall.” Pretty self-explanatory.
When Buying Cocktails, Leave No Money, Saying Only “A Lannister Always Pays His Debts.” Then run.
Build Your Own King’s Landing Out of Grocery Carts: Blackwater! Remember Blackwater? Easily the best hour of television this year, the Blackwater episode featured an hour-long battle for King’s Landing between the Lannisters and Robert Baratheon. And yes, that might be the dorkiest sentence I’ve ever written. Now, obviously you can’t recreate your own medieval battle – BUT you can get something surprisingly similar going with some shopping carts and a bunch angry supermarket employees. Here’s what you do: grab 5-10 carts and head to a deserted corner of your local A&P. Then encircle yourself in the carts, declare the area your King’s Landing, and wait for the irritated grocery store clerks to eventually “invade.” Really they’ll just be coming by to ask you to give the carts back, or at the very least request you buy something, but if you shout “Filthy Baratheon Scum!” in their faces long enough, they will get feisty. The good news is, within a half an hour the manager will get probably be angry enough for you to have a real battle on your hands. The bad news is, ultimately, he will call the police.
Train Your Cat to Be a Dragon: I don’t have a lot of advice on this one. Every time I approach my cat with some purple wings I bought, she hisses and runs under the bed. I guess that’s vaguely dragon-like? It would probably help if I had a naked blond Dothraki hanging around, for my cat’s sake and my own.
Listen to the Game of Thrones Theme on an Endless Loop: When all else fails, rely on music. While not particularly catchy, the war-like beat is actually an excellent motivational tool. Things I have used the Game of Thrones Theme Song to get me to do: Wake up, go to bed, call a girl, text a girl, listen to a girl’s voicemail, workout, cross a busy intersection, confront my mail carrier about undelivered Netflix DVDs, try to put wings on my cat.
If you have any other techniques to beat your Game of Thrones addiction, please let me know. Together, we’ll make it to March, 2013.