A Conversation Between God and Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy
GOD: Dan, the man!! What’s up, my brotha?
Dan: Oh God, bless you, my Lord. I really appreciate You meeting me like this, it’s so rare to get to speak to one’s God directly and–
GOD: Yeah, yeah. Cut the crap, Dan. You can kiss ass after I eat. Did you bring the sandwiches?
Dan: Of course, Lord. Here is my offering…
Dan hands him a giant bag full of Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches. God rips into the bag and starts eating.
GOD: Ooooh, I am in heaven! Holy Crap are these things good! I mean, when I made chickens, I had no idea there were capable of tasting this amazing. How do you guys do it?
Dan (coyly): We just fry them, really. A few spices, some MSG, nothing too complicated, my Savior.
GOD: Really? You’re gonna try to hide the secret recipe from me, Dan? I’m God. You think I can’t find out?
Dan looks at God, a little afraid.
GOD: I’m busting balls, Dan. Relax. It’s just me, God. You don’t have to take everything I say so seriously. (GOD looks inside the bag.) Hold the phone. Where are the fries?! Cathy, I swear on everything holy I will smite the shit out of you if you forgot the fries!!!
Dan pulls out another bag filled with fries.
Dan: Here you are, Sir. Please forgive my delay. These are our trademark waffle fries.
GOD: WAFFLE fries?! Fries that are modeled after waffles? It’s like you guys sit around and brainstorm new ways to get fat. Aren’t fries enough? (GOD eats a waffle fry.) I take it all back. Don’t change a thing. These are amazing.
Dan: I’m glad you are my pleased, My Lord. Can I ask why You wanted to meet with me today?
GOD: YES! You’re gonna love this. Peter sent me the funniest article from The Onion. Did you see this? Hilarious.
Dan: The…Onion, Sir?
GOD: Yeah, The Onion. The funny newspaper. How have you not heard of The Onion? Written by a bunch of hippie kids. They smoke a lot of pot, a few are going to Hell actually — for unrelated reasons — but this is a riot. Check this out. It says “Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy declares homosexuality a sin. Believes in biblical version of the family. Says he thanks God for it everyday.” (God starts laughing hysterically.) HA! Isn’t that hilarious? You, speaking for me? Here, read the article. I mean, have you heard anything so crazy in your life?!
God hands Dan Cathy the newspaper, then doubles over in hysterics.
Dan: Uh…My Lord?
God can’t stop laughing. He’s struggling to catch his breath.
Dan: Sir. Um…God? It’s not a joke. I really said that.
God stops laughing.
GOD: What? You said…what? Oh, come on. You can’t kid a kidder, Danny. You run a fast food restaurant, why would anyone care about your interpretation of scripture? Are you busting my balls?
Dan: No, Lord. I’m not busting your…um…things, but yes, I said I believe in the biblical definition of a family unit.
GOD: WHY?!?! You make fried chicken sandwiches for a living, Dan! What, you decided now was a good time to start branching out?! Got opinions on anything else we should know? I hear the economy’s going down the tubes in Europe. Got any bright ideas for them?
Dan: It wasn’t my idea, God! It says it clear as day in The Bible. “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.” Leviticus 20–
GOD: The Bible says a lot of things, Dan. We were rushed getting it to the printers, Luke forgot to take a lot of stuff out. It also says not to let two different crops grow in the same field. You didn’t ban farmers, did ya? Leviticus also tells you never to cut your hair. You OK hiring people who went to Supercuts, Dan?
Dan: Well, sure…but-
GOD: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Book of Matthew. I see from the size of your house that one’s not slowing you down too much, is it Dan?
Dan: I’m sorry, do you want me to answer these, or are they more rhetorical…?
GOD: Damn, stupid Onion. You know, I can never tell whether those articles are true or not. Last year they got me thinking Rush Limbaugh was a Catholic nun. Called a big meeting and everything. Boy, was my face red. Well, at least nobody listened to you, right?
Dan: What, My Lord?
GOD: Nobody listened to you, about the gay stuff. They all made fun of you and called you a wacko, right?
Dan: Well, they did at first, yeah. A lot of people attacked me, even some Mayors. But then it turned out a lot of people agreed with me.
GOD: Why is anyone listening to you?! You’re Ronald McDonald in a suit. Grimace has as much theological credibility as you do. How many people are we talking about here?
Dan: Well, this week we had a Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day and…well…more people showed up than ever have before. It set records. Most profitable day in our history.
GOD: Jes-us Christ. That’s exactly what I need. Revenue gains being linked to hatred and prejudice. Now every company is gonna come out against some poor minority, just to make a little coin. “7-11 says Mexicans Won’t Go to Heaven.” “Charleston Chew Warns You Not to Be a Jew!”
Dan: Ha, that’s a good one actually.
GOD: Shut up, Dan. You gotta get outta here. I got a lot of work to do now, thanks to you. From now on, just stop taking everything I say so literally. Got it?
Dan: Yes, My Lord….Uh, God. About that. You said “Holy Crap” earlier, when you were eating oue chicken. Did you mean…?
GOD: Crap’s not holy, Dan. It’s just an expression. Please don’t start praying to poo.
Dan: OK, good. Glad I asked then. Anything else you want me to tell me people?
GOD: No, Dan, just to stick to what you’re good at: dropping chicken in hot oil, and leave the theology to the priests.
Dan collects his things to go.
Dan: Gotcha, Lord. I’ll see you around, I guess.
GOD: No you won’t. And leave the sandwiches, Dan.
Dan nods, puts down the Chick-fil-A bag and goes. God takes out another sandwich, sighs, and eats.