A Conversation Between God and Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy

GOD: Dan, the man!! What’s up, my brotha?

Dan: Oh God, bless you, my Lord. I really appreciate You meeting me like this, it’s so rare to get to speak to one’s God directly and–

GOD: Yeah, yeah. Cut the crap, Dan. You can kiss ass after I eat. Did you bring the sandwiches?

Dan: Of course, Lord. Here is my offering…

Dan hands him a giant bag full of Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches. God rips into the bag and starts eating.

GOD: Ooooh, I am in heaven! Holy Crap are these things good! I mean, when I made chickens, I had no idea there were capable of tasting this amazing. How do you guys do it?

Dan (coyly): We just fry them, really. A few spices, some MSG, nothing too complicated, my Savior.

GOD: Really? You’re gonna try to hide the secret recipe from me, Dan? I’m God. You think I can’t find out?

Dan looks at God, a little afraid.

GOD: I’m busting balls, Dan. Relax. It’s just me, God. You don’t have to take everything I say so seriously. (GOD looks inside the bag.) Hold the phone. Where are the fries?! Cathy, I swear on everything holy I will smite the shit out of you if you forgot the fries!!!

Dan pulls out another bag filled with fries.

Dan: Here you are, Sir. Please forgive my delay. These are our trademark waffle fries.

GOD: WAFFLE fries?! Fries that are modeled after waffles? It’s like you guys sit around and brainstorm new ways to get fat. Aren’t fries enough? (GOD eats a waffle fry.) I take it all back. Don’t change a thing. These are amazing.

Dan: I’m glad you are my pleased, My Lord. Can I ask why You wanted to meet with me today?

GOD: YES! You’re gonna love this. Peter sent me the funniest article from The Onion. Did you see this? Hilarious.

Dan: The…Onion, Sir?

GOD: Yeah, The Onion. The funny newspaper. How have you not heard of The Onion? Written by a bunch of hippie kids. They smoke a lot of pot, a few are going to Hell actually — for unrelated reasons — but this is a riot. Check this out. It says “Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy declares homosexuality a sin. Believes in biblical version of the family. Says he thanks God for it everyday.” (God starts laughing hysterically.) HA! Isn’t that hilarious? You, speaking for me? Here, read the article. I mean, have you heard anything so crazy in your life?!

God hands Dan Cathy the newspaper, then doubles over in hysterics.

Dan: Uh…My Lord?

God can’t stop laughing. He’s struggling to catch his breath.

Dan: Sir. Um…God? It’s not a joke. I really said that.

God stops laughing.

GOD: What? You said…what? Oh, come on. You can’t kid a kidder, Danny. You run a fast food restaurant, why would anyone care about your interpretation of scripture? Are you busting my balls?

Dan: No, Lord. I’m not busting your…um…things, but yes, I said I believe in the biblical definition of a family unit.

GOD: WHY?!?! You make fried chicken sandwiches for a living, Dan! What, you decided now was a good time to start branching out?! Got opinions on anything else we should know? I hear the economy’s going down the tubes in Europe. Got any bright ideas for them?

Dan: It wasn’t my idea, God! It says it clear as day in The Bible. “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.” Leviticus 20–

GOD: The Bible says a lot of things, Dan. We were rushed getting it to the printers, Luke forgot to take a lot of stuff out. It also says not to let two different crops grow in the same field. You didn’t ban farmers, did ya? Leviticus also tells you never to cut your hair. You OK hiring people who went to Supercuts, Dan?

Dan: Well, sure…but-

GOD: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Book of Matthew. I see from the size of your house that one’s not slowing you down too much, is it Dan?

Dan: I’m sorry, do you want me to answer these, or are they more rhetorical…?

GOD: Damn, stupid Onion. You know, I can never tell whether those articles are true or not. Last year they got me thinking Rush Limbaugh was a Catholic nun. Called a big meeting and everything. Boy, was my face red. Well, at least nobody listened to you, right?

Dan: What, My Lord?

GOD: Nobody listened to you, about the gay stuff. They all made fun of you and called you a wacko, right?

Dan: Well, they did at first, yeah. A lot of people attacked me, even some Mayors. But then it turned out a lot of people agreed with me.

GOD: Why is anyone listening to you?! You’re Ronald McDonald in a suit. Grimace has as much theological credibility as you do. How many people are we talking about here?

Dan: Well, this week we had a Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day and…well…more people showed up than ever have before. It set records. Most profitable day in our history.

GOD: Jes-us Christ. That’s exactly what I need. Revenue gains being linked to hatred and prejudice. Now every company is gonna come out against some poor minority, just to make a little coin. “7-11 says Mexicans Won’t Go to Heaven.” “Charleston Chew Warns You Not to Be a Jew!”

Dan: Ha, that’s a good one actually.

GOD: Shut up, Dan. You gotta get outta here. I got a lot of work to do now, thanks to you. From now on, just stop taking everything I say so literally. Got it?

Dan: Yes, My Lord….Uh, God. About that. You said “Holy Crap” earlier, when you were eating oue chicken. Did you mean…?

GOD: Crap’s not holy, Dan. It’s just an expression. Please don’t start praying to poo.

Dan: OK, good. Glad I asked then. Anything else you want me to tell me people?

GOD: No, Dan, just to stick to what you’re good at: dropping chicken in hot oil, and leave the theology to the priests.

Dan collects his things to go.

Dan: Gotcha, Lord. I’ll see you around, I guess.

GOD: No you won’t. And leave the sandwiches, Dan.

Dan nods, puts down the Chick-fil-A bag and goes. God takes out another sandwich, sighs, and eats. TC Mark

image – ShutterStock

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  • http://www.facebook.com/popsicleman Christopher Valencia

    Good thing God didn’t hear about the ton of money Dan’s donated to horrible organizations and lobbyist groups.

    • http://thebriandonovan.wordpress.com Brian Donovan

      God’s been watching a lot of Olympics, he’s kinda behind on things.

  • caro

    It’s one thing to disagree with and mock Dan Cathy, it is a totally different, blasphemous thing to mock the Lord God Almighty. You are being a spiteful person, far more than Dan Cathy. And while I really don’t like you, God is still totally, jealously, ferociously in love with you, and wants to bring you good all the days of your life…so…God Bless.

    • watts

      first off he’s not really mocking god. and if he is, its in a comedic way, not one that implies anything negative about god.

      how/why is he being far more spiteful than Dan Cathy? Dan Cathy spoke out against gays and how it is wrong. Brian is speaking out against approximately no one. he’s not saying there is anything wrong with god or being christian, which i assume is what you are upset about

      and surely it’s pretty blasphemous to speak for god, as you are doing here?

      • caro

        God asks His followers to be a light and spread His love. I wasn’t speaking for God in the sense of judging another person for Him, although I did judge the author for myself (ie; i really don’t like you). But I was reminding him how much God loves him, which is in no way blasphemous.

        It is however, spiteful and blasphemous to imply that God uses foul language and to assume how he talks to / judges someone, whether it is comedic or not.

        There is no denying that this article is blasphemous, but the author might deny that it’s wrong. Which I guess means that he just doesn’t care. And that is not my place to fix.

      • http://www.facebook.com/popsicleman Christopher Valencia

        Caro, isn’t it blasphemous, or something worse, of you to say God loves him and also that you don’t like him? Why can’t you be more like Jesus, especially when you claim to know exactly how He feels about him?

      • watts

        “God is still totally, jealously, ferociously in love with you, and wants to bring you good all the days of your life” sounds like speaking for god to me. you can’t possibly know what he does or does not think about Brian.

        “Also, I don’t know exactly how God feels about anything and never claimed to. But I do know that God loves His children, His sinners. He consistently makes that abundantly clear.” …you don’t see the contradiction between these two sentences?

        “Because I’m a flawed sinner and I’m nothing like Jesus and I never claimed to be.” thats a pretty easy excuse. obviously you aren’t Jesus, but why does that mean you can’t try and be like him? isn’t that the point of the bible? to try and follow god’s word and Jesus’ example?

    • http://www.facebook.com/popsicleman Christopher Valencia

      I think he portrayed a MUCH cooler, nicer God than the one of the Old Testament.

      This blog entry seemed more like it was criticizing Dan Cathy, not religion or God.

      • caro

        Christopher- Because I’m a flawed sinner and I’m nothing like Jesus and I never claimed to be. And I don’t like this guy, but God loves him fiercely, which just emphasizes how much holier God is than all of us, especially me! Also, I don’t know exactly how God feels about anything and never claimed to. But I do know that God loves His children, His sinners. He consistently makes that abundantly clear.

      • http://popsicleman.wordpress.com quackmanquackman

        Caro, that sounds ridiculous that you KNOW how God would want you to think of this guy, but at the same time you actively do not what God tells you to.

        You DO claim to “know exactly how God feels about anything” when you say he loves Brian, who wrote the blog entry.

    • http://gravatar.com/emmamcgrath Emma McGrath

      Can’t tell if trolling

      • watts

        shoot, Emma, you’re right. could just be trolling. didn’t think of that cause its TC, but i suppose the trolls can’t be kept away forever

      • http://gravatar.com/emmamcgrath Emma McGrath

        I originally thought they were serious, but, “totally, jealously, ferociously in love with you” seems a bit overzealous. Haha

      • http://popsicleman.wordpress.com quackmanquackman

        Yeah, I’d hoped I wasn’t feeding a troll…. but then, I’ve heard preachers and overly-religious people talk just like he is, complete with ridiculous adverbs like the one in your quote.

    • http://touch2much.tumblr.com/ Aleks

      GOD you’re stupid, spare us!

    • ONO

      God bless you !! well said.

    • Shauna

      Spoiler alert: God isn’t real.

    • http://trakadai.tumblr.com Stacie

      I’m curious then, since you’re so against people writing as God, how do you feel about the Footprints in the Sand poem? My Baptist granny has that one hanging up on her wall and Christians sure love that one. Written by Mary Stevenson, just a normal person like Brian Donovan. She even quotes God as saying “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you.” Now, why is she allowed to assume how he talks to someone and not Mr. Donovan here? And in Philippians 3:8, they talk about poo. Actually, it translates literally to “shit.” And since the Bible is said to have been written by God through other people, he totally talks about poop.

    • BB

      LULLLLLLL. “How dare you speak for god! Now, pay no attention to the radical hypocrisy while I do the same thing literally one second later.” Ferociously in love. Get outta here you fuckin’ maroon.

  • georgie

    Haha this made me laugh, so good

  • georgie

    Also “caro” is an ultimate troller

  • caro

    I’m not stupid and I’m not a troll. You’ll just call anyone who disagrees with you stupid.

    • http://popsicleman.wordpress.com quackmanquackman

      666

  • J in DC

    Great, funny article…. Loved it.

  • nerual

    funny. dan cathy is el presidente and the coo, not ceo

  • Wesley

    Bloody brilliant! Couldn’t stop laughing.

  • Leslie

    Reading this was a complete waste of my time…he’s allowed to have his opinions on homosexuality, this is AMERICA. If you don’t agree with him, eat somewhere else.

    • duncansomerside

      nice capitalization on the word america. I think it really added something to your statement.

  • duncansomerside

    LOLZ. Oh, god.

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