President Obama smoked pot when he was younger, we know that to be true. How? Because the Tawainese Media Authority made this amazing video about it.
I mean, sure, it’s also in his autobiography and countless legitimate news reports, but when Taiwan animates it, you know it’s fact. Especially the part about the weed-breathing Golden Pot Dragon. Obama’s policy as President though has been decidedly less pro-marijuana. He has used the Justice Department to close down many state-legalized pot dispensaries, including a famous growing school called Oaksterdam University — which I bet is a very impressive alma mater for job interviews.
So apparently Obama has no interest in courting the pothead vote, and I can’t really blame him. I mean, the only initiatives they will regularly get behind are ones involving the words “Cool” and “Ranch.” But could there be an opportunity here for Mitt Romney? Could he take over the pro-pot crusade, and the votes that go along with it? I think he could. And I would love to see him try.
Here now then are five reasons why Mitt Romney should become the Marijuana Candidate.
1. Mitt is a huge dork. He’s making an effort to dress more like an average joe at campaign appearances, and he looks about as comfortable in those blue jeans as a rhinoceros. Seriously, there are rectangles that don’t look as square as Mitt Romney. The guy needs to loosen it up, and what better way than coming out as aggressively pro-doob? If George Bush won the White House as the guy America wants to have a beer with, why can’t Mitt be the dude the country’s dying to roll a j with? I mean, he’s rich as hell, he’s gonna have good stuff. And can you imagine the quality of his snacks? I bet it’s breathtaking.
2. Romney may already be a pot smoker. I know what you’re thinking — Mormons can’t drink Diet Coke, I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed low-level narcotics. Well… we have photographic evidence. Here’s Mitt, laughing hysterically at a joke Rick Santorum made earlier this year.
Rick Santorum has never said anything that funny. In fact, if you added up every joke Santorum has made in his entire life, the biggest facial response you could hope for in return would be a slight smile and a dart of the eyes to check what time it is. The guy’s a snooze, and the only way to explain Mitt having this a good a time with him is if he’s high out of his mind. Don’t think pot can make something this lame seem so entertaining? Well, how else do you explain the twenty year run of America’s Funniest Home Videos?
3. State’s rights, b-tches. Even though smoking dope is not currently a cornerstone of the Republican platform, the freedom of states to decide their own policy is. All of Obama’s marijuana raids have been in states that have legalized the drug for medical purposes, so this could be a win-win for Mitt. He could appeal to the conservative base by standing up for state’s rights, and win points with the coveted stoner lobby simultaneously. All while wearing a jamaican hat with fake dreads. I’m sorry, that’s what we call a win-win-win.
4. Romney could actually use the extra votes. Recent studies suggest that about 20 million people smoke marijuana at least semi-regularly, or approximately 7% of the country. You know what the difference in popular vote between McCain and Obama was in last election? 7%.
5. Pot use would really help explain the whole embarrassing dog-on-the-roof thing from Romney’s past. I mean, which do you think sounds better?
There wasn’t enough room in the car, so we tied our dog to the roof for 12 hours.
We were having a pretty crazy weekend, and someone suggested we car surf, like the dude in Teen Wolf. I swear the dog asked me if he could have a turn. I don’t know, the whole thing is kinda hazy. We were smoking some pretty strong sh-t.
I’ll take the pot-head over the careless animal abuser any day. And I have a feeling America’s with me. We’ll see how it all plays out…