By now we’ve all heard the story of Karen Klein, right? She’s the sweet grandmother of 8 who, in her job as a school bus monitor, got bullied and insulted by a group of smarmy, teenage jerkfaces. And smarmy jerkfaces being what they are, one of them posted a video of the incident on YouTube, because apparently it was a priority for him the show the world what an a-hole he is. Almost instantly, Karen became a national celebrity. America felt terrible for her, as we rightfully should, so heartbreakingly sweet and apologetic interviews with Karen can now be found across TV and the web.
But that’s not kicker. The KICKER is that a donation campaign was started to buy Karen a $5,000 vacation to help make up for her suffering, and because of the massive public interest and sympathy, that fund is now worth over $560,000. That’s right, $560,000. Over half a million dollars, for experiencing ten minutes of vicious and demeaning insults. Now don’t get me wrong, what happened to Karen was cruel, unfair, and totally irredeemable, and I myself have already made a donation to her fund – but 560 Large? I mean, I get insulted everyday and have yet to make a single penny off the experience. I think every one of use would sign up for ten minutes of vitriol if we knew there was 500 G’s waiting for us at the other end of that rainbow of awfulness, right? Truth be told, I’ll let you say whatever you want to me for forty bucks and a ham sandwich. Who knew there was such profit in being humiliated?! Other than the cast of Jersey Shore, I mean.
If you’re anything like me, and my condolences if you are, you’re wondering how you too can cash in on this gravy train of tragedy. I mean, if people are gonna be obnoxious, you might as well make some money out of it. So here now is a list of foolproof ways to get jerkfaces everywhere to bully you into financial gain.
1. Be Fat: As a former fat kid who rode a lot of busses, let me tell you, chubbiness is a bullying goldmine. You walk onto a bus of teenagers with more than 5% body fat and they will rip you to shreds. Poor Karen had to endure a lot of cracks about her weight, which is completely ridiculous. She’s old! I got news for you kids, when you’re a grandparent you’re not gonna be so svelte yourself. So if you want the big bucks, there’s no more surefire way than packing on the pounds. The kids will say terrible things, believe me, I’ve heard them all. But just replace the words of venom with the sound of a cash register CHA-CHINGing in your mind, and it’ll all be worth it.
2. Dance: It’s a scientific fact that 90% of human beings look like morons when they dance. And no one is more aware of this than teenagers. I mean, you ever been to a high school dance. There’s four people dancing, and two hundred standing on the sidelines drinking soda pop. If you want to attract the negative attention of children, there is no better way to step aboard that bus and immediately start doing the Tango with a non-existent partner. Bonus dollars for intense facial expressions, or if you can convince a friend to help you do the lift from Dirty Dancing. That’ll bring the house down, insult-wise. If you’re trying to break the bank, consider the addition of leg warmers and a possible leotard. Kids can’t contain themselves around a guy in tights. Adults too, to be honest.
3. Buy a Monocle: Have you ever seen someone with a monocle? That crap is hilarious. Honestly, I think I’d make fun of my own Dad if he tried to pull that off. In general, the more you can look like Mr. Peanut, the better. Which brings me to my next point…
4. Wear a Costume: Look, there’s gonna be a lot of people out there trolling for Karen Klein dollars, so if you want the focus to be on you, you’re gonna have to go big. And nothing is bigger in a cruel teenager’s eyes than a grown man in a chicken costume. Or, say, throwing a diaper and sash on and going as a giant adult Cupid. Go with whatever feels right, just keep in mind that if all goes well a video of this performance will probably appear on The Today Show, Good Morning America, and the computer monitors of everyone you’ve ever met. So if you don’t want the world to see you as the first ever white overweight Mr. T, think of that sooner rather than later.
5. Learn a Language that Only Exists in Fantasy Novels: My first day of high school, a kid came in with a handmade walking stick adorned with hand-carved phrases from an Elfin language in Lord of The Rings. It will not surprise you to learn that high school was unkind to this young man. In retrospect, I actually think that was pretty awesome, but if you want teenagers to bully you, there’s no more direct route than talking like a hobbit.
That all it takes, gang. But if you make millions, be sure to donate a bit to Karen. Because she really earned it.