I No Longer Care How You Met My Mother

Seriously, Dad, give it a rest.

I wouldn’t say I was ever particularly interested in how you met my mother in the first place. But if it was a quick, funny little story I guess it would be good to know. Maybe I could tell my kids one day, or get a crappy college essay out of it or something. But this is ridiculous. Do you realize you’ve been telling my sister and me how you met mom for 7 GODDAMN YEARS?! Seven years, Dad! In that time we’ve had two Presidents, three Kardashian weddings, and like eight Middle East revolutions, and yet somehow, you’re still going. I’m really starting to hate you, Dad. Like, in a way that’s going to be hard to change.

There’s some things I think you’re missing about the art of storytelling. First of all, the audience has to want to hear the story. On that fateful morning seven years ago, Sarah and I were just sitting around, discussing whether a muffin is more breakfast or dessert, and then all of a sudden you were on top of us. “You gotta hear this great story!”, you interrupted. We ignored you, so you tried “come on, how about a little quality time with your ol’ Dad?”, and then, when we didn’t bite, you said “I’ve been feeling kinda lonely, kids. You still love me, right?” Kinda manipulative, Dad. And then, finally, you just started the story. Without us ever saying “yes.” Or “OK.” Or nodding even. That is not a good approach to storytelling. Also, stories are supposed to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Yours had no real beginning to speak of, TONS of middle, and absolutely no end in sight. That sucks. It hurts me to say this, but you suck.

Here’s another thing, Dad. A lot of this stuff you’re telling us is totally inappropriate. Like, last week, Sarah and I had to listen to a story about you and your three friends going to a strip club. We don’t want to hear that, Dad. It’s totally gross. And the bit where your friend Barney tried to put a dollar bill in your mouth so a woman could “suck it up in her”… breasts or vagina, or whatever you were implying – that was just sick. It’s chauvinistic, disrespectful, and honestly, totally unsanitary. Get a grip, Dad! OH, AND ALSO, what the hell did that have to do with how you met our mother?! Nothing. Like every other anecdote we’ve endured over the last almost-decade – nothing. So why bring it up in the first place?

That brings me to my final point. Your friend Barney – not that funny. I know he makes jokes a lot – like almost uncomfortably a lot – but he’s really not as clever as you think he is. Yeah, I get it, he’s really into women, and kinda arrogant, but also sort of a buffoon. I’ve seen it before, Dad, and I liked it better when he was called Jack Tripper. Also, Barney gives off kind of a gay vibe. Just thought you should know.

So in closing, let me just say this: I think it’s possible for me to still love you, Dad, I really do. But this has got to stop. I want you to get Mom into this narrative as fast as humanly possible, and just meet her. It doesn’t have to be funny, or clever, or even interesting. Just have her walk into whatever room you’re in, shake her hand, and say “hello”, so we can all get on with the rest of our lives. I have things I want to do, Dad. Like meet my own wife. And go to the bathroom. Sarah and I have been talking, Dad, and if you don’t tell us how you met our mother today, we’re gonna have to put you in a home. I’m sorry. We see no other way out. TC mark

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  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    hahaha I hope they tell us soon.

  • http://twitter.com/DandyAndrea Andrea Dunne

    Oh Come on.

    Everyone knows the daughter’s name is Leia.

  • CatC

    I absolutely love HIMYM. I don’t mind that it has been going on a bunch of seasons it is rather enjoyable for me :) 

  • Phoebe

    ugh.

  • Barney Stinson

    EVERYBODY LOVE HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER EXCEPT YOU

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I can’t believe people are still watching this show.

    • HIMYM Fan

      that’s because it is Legen- wait for it…… -DARY!

  • Michaelwg

    “Asian, with some boob” —Barney

  • http://twitter.com/Joao_Nuno João Nuno Álvares

    I see your point, but… I still like it!

  • HAWKES

    Wanting to know the identity of the mother is like wanting to know the identity of the invisible man (Ellison), or (to use an analogy you might understand) the identity of Gossip Girl. Sure it’s an interesting mystery that is at the core of the plot, but it’s ultimately unimportant and not worth worrying (or indeed, writing) about.

    • Guestropod


      to use an analogy you might understand”

      doooooooooouche

    • Brian Donovan

      I’ve never seen Gossip Girl, but if it’s as much like Invisible Man as HIMYM is, then I’ll have to check it out!

    • Emily Anne

      the analogy is somewhat pointless anyway, considering the fact that we found out who Gossip Girl is (or at least who the “current” gossip girl is) at the end of last week’s episode.

    • beatrice

      This reminds me of my sister’s response to my question on when gossip girl was ever going to end, “When the gossip stops, duh!”

  • http://nonegenuine.blogspot.com/ Scott

    My friend used to work on the show and told me who the mom was, but I don’t watch it and don’t give a shit, so I forgot.

    • KC

      No wonder he lost that job.

  • http://stepandfall.blogspot.com/ Lu Han

    but isn’t this show the real life meaning of “it’s not the end that matters, it’s the journey of how we get there” 

    • Beauty Reductionista

      Like LOST? Fuck it, I’m out.

  • Meera Shah

    SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! i havent even read this piece yet. HIMYM is the best show ever.

    • R.

      read the piece and then look back on how dumb your comment is.

      • Meera Shah

        shut up. 

  • hrfe

    Actually it seems like this story has only taken two or so days to tell (check the clothing). Still long, but not too long.

    • Anna

      Yeah I agree, I feel what to us as viewers is six seasons, seven years is about a few days in the show’s time.

      • http://twitter.com/robinthecradle1 Robin West

        Don’t you people get jokes?

      • hrfe

        I don’t believe in joking about such serious matters as television sitcoms.

      • Anon

        Also since the story is being told in 2030, we have *not* had 3 Kardashian weddings and 2 presidents and middle east revolutions. Details details.

  • Eric

    LOVE THE JACK TRIPPER PART! SO TRUE. Still love this show though.

  • J.B.

    muffins are not dessert

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    I would care/watch if they would just ditch the laugh track. 

  • Gg

    I liked this a lot :)

  • MAXINE

    But I still irrevocably love this show, and upon rewatching older episodes, I also think it’s getting better.

    Plus Barney is simply amazing.

    • http://www.lovelysim.com/ LDiggitty

      I agree that Barney is awesome… I wonder if he could hold his own spin-off show?

      But I also have to agree that… holy crap, get to the point already! A show based on this premise has to have a pre-determined shelf life. 

  • ariel

    Naked man!

  • R.

    you all sound like my roommates who also love this show way too much.

    just because it has a couple jokes that you like and remember, well thats not exactly an argument for it being “zomg lyk teh bestestest show evar!”

    no, just like everything this piece points out, the show is stale, lacks progression, and the funny always feels forced (see earthtonenichole’s comment below)

    also, nph doesnt deserve a quarter of the praise and ballwashing that pop culture throws his way on a daily basis.

  • ChopChop

    “haters gonna hate” – Lao Tzu

  • Joshrom

    Come on you fools.  Everyone knows the mother of Ted’s beautiful babies is the most voluptuous and nurturing cast member: the one and only Marshmallow.

  • Jtrylch13

    HIMYM is a funny show meant to entertain for a half hour a week.  I love it.  Since I’ve been on bed rest (or couch rest) for twins, I’ve pretty much watched every re-run on TV plus the new episodes.  This article was pretty funny too and has some points, but it won’t ruin my enjoyment of the show.  You think Ted’s bad for telling his kids this stuff?  Well I let mine (12 and 16) watch it with me.  Luckily my 12 year old still doesn’t get all the inuendos!  I wouldn’t mind if they wrapped it up sometime soon though.  BTW – I love Barney, every inappropriate minute!

  • jj_sutton

    this was even less funny and less original than the show has become.

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/did-you-get-my-text-message/ Did You Get My Text Message? | Thought Catalog

    […] and the minutes feel like hours. It requires the type of patience that can only be learned from waiting to find out who’s the Mom on How I Met Your Mother or visiting the DMV. That’s why it’s wise to distract yourself if you’re anticipating a […]

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