1. Edible Arrangements
Traditional roses say “I love you,” but roses made out of cantaloupe say “I don’t even like you as a friend.” Sure it’s exciting and all when the delivery guy comes to your door carrying one of those insulated bags they use to deliver pizza, but when he pulls this out of the hatch, it just makes you want to cry. And not in a good way.
I promise, send your beau or beauty a bouquet of produce and they’ll be so confused they may just start the conversation for you. “I just got the cherries and sculpted melon you sent. Did you wanna break up, or…?”
If you can get a VDay gift for your lady and pick up a little something special for Grandma on the SAME SITE, then you know this present has serious splitsville potential. Pajamagram advertises relentlessly around Valentine’s Day, not realizing that while lingerie is a perfectly sexy little gift, baggy cotton longjohns are not. Even their slogan, “Give the gift of relaxation,” says “we’d be better off as pals.” Because sexy hot boner times are many things, but relaxing is not one of them. When in doubt, remember this important credo: “If your gift has footies, you’re about to be a free agent.”
3. Anything vintage or from an auction
- Her: Oh my God, honey. You bought me this beautiful necklace? Thank you so much! It’s amazing.
- Him: No problem, Baby. Anything for my sweetheart. Why don’t you try it on?
- Her: OK, I’ll put it on right now…wait, what’s that smell?
- Him: Smell? I don’t know what you’re–
- Her: It smells like…like…HAGGLING! Did you haggle with strangers over the price of this necklace?!
- Him: No, I would never–
- Her: You did! You totally haggled! Oh my god, did you buy this at a flea market?!
- Him: Baby, no–
- Her: You bought my Valentine’s gift at a flea market?! This necklace was probably on a dead person! We are so OVER!
- Him: Well, if you insist.
It’s a scientific fact that all used items actually smell used. Nobody wants that smell on February 14th, I promise. Use this information with care.
4. Omaha Steaks
Here’s one for the ladies out there. Wanna get rid of your boyfriend? Give him meat delivered by a mailman. Because if steak was supposed to be sent through the mail, they’d sell it at the post office. Consider the Cupid’s Combo, with four steaks, four burgers, four pieces of fish, four baked potatoes and a chocolate cake. It’s the easiest way to say “I thought about his gift for exactly five seconds, and I hope you get food fat!”
5. Flowers Made of Crap
The exact opposite of Edible Arrangements, but with the same effect. A company called Uncommon Goods now offers roses that are made from 100% authentic elephant dung. Why do they do this? I have no idea. But their insanity is your opportunity, as now you can give your a lover a present that perfectly sums up how your relationship makes you feel: like crap.
They look just weird enough that it is certain your partner will ask, “where did you get these?” And then you can give the answer that you’ve been dying to over the last few weeks of arguments, futility, and pent up aggression: “From inside an elephant’s ass.” All that for only $19.99.
So go forth, friends, and give these gifts to those you don’t love. If you do it early, I promise you’ll be back on the market before the 14th. Happy Heart Breaking!