5 Valentine’s Day Gifts That Say "I Don’t Love You Anymore"

Trying to figure out how to break up with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ emotional support animal before Valentine’s day? Don’t do it with words, they’re so hard to come up with, and so likely to make you look like an asshole. Say it with a gift! A gift so lame, so uninspired that your mate will have no choice but to recognize “wow, this person doesn’t give a crap about me.” They’re cheap, they’re effective, and they’re totally insulting. Give it a whirl!

1. Edible Arrangements

Traditional roses say “I love you,” but roses made out of cantaloupe say “I don’t even like you as a friend.” Sure it’s exciting and all when the delivery guy comes to your door carrying one of those insulated bags they use to deliver pizza, but when he pulls this out of the hatch, it just makes you want to cry. And not in a good way.

I promise, send your beau or beauty a bouquet of produce and they’ll be so confused they may just start the conversation for you. “I just got the cherries and sculpted melon you sent. Did you wanna break up, or…?”

2. PajamaGram

If you can get a VDay gift for your lady and pick up a little something special for Grandma on the SAME SITE, then you know this present has serious splitsville potential. Pajamagram advertises relentlessly around Valentine’s Day, not realizing that while lingerie is a perfectly sexy little gift, baggy cotton longjohns are not. Even their slogan, “Give the gift of relaxation,” says “we’d be better off as pals.” Because sexy hot boner times are many things, but relaxing is not one of them. When in doubt, remember this important credo: “If your gift has footies, you’re about to be a free agent.”

3. Anything vintage or from an auction

  • Her: Oh my God, honey. You bought me this beautiful necklace? Thank you so much! It’s amazing.
  • Him: No problem, Baby. Anything for my sweetheart. Why don’t you try it on?
  • Her: OK, I’ll put it on right now…wait, what’s that smell?
  • Him: Smell? I don’t know what you’re–
  • Her: It smells like…like…HAGGLING! Did you haggle with strangers over the price of this necklace?!
  • Him: No, I would never–
  • Her: You did! You totally haggled! Oh my god, did you buy this at a flea market?!
  • Him: Baby, no–
  • Her: You bought my Valentine’s gift at a flea market?! This necklace was probably on a dead person! We are so OVER!
  • Him: Well, if you insist.

It’s a scientific fact that all used items actually smell used. Nobody wants that smell on February 14th, I promise. Use this information with care.

4. Omaha Steaks

Here’s one for the ladies out there. Wanna get rid of your boyfriend? Give him meat delivered by a mailman. Because if steak was supposed to be sent through the mail, they’d sell it at the post office. Consider the Cupid’s Combo, with four steaks, four burgers, four pieces of fish, four baked potatoes and a chocolate cake. It’s the easiest way to say “I thought about his gift for exactly five seconds, and I hope you get food fat!”

5. Flowers Made of Crap

The exact opposite of Edible Arrangements, but with the same effect. A company called Uncommon Goods now offers roses that are made from 100% authentic elephant dung. Why do they do this? I have no idea. But their insanity is your opportunity, as now you can give your a lover a present that perfectly sums up how your relationship makes you feel: like crap.

They look just weird enough that it is certain your partner will ask, “where did you get these?” And then you can give the answer that you’ve been dying to over the last few weeks of arguments, futility, and pent up aggression: “From inside an elephant’s ass.” All that for only $19.99.

So go forth, friends, and give these gifts to those you don’t love. If you do it early, I promise you’ll be back on the market before the 14th. Happy Heart Breaking! TC mark

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  • SusanDerkins

    Except for the poo flowers, these all sound like pretty cool gifts. My mom send me the fruit bouquets for my birthday and I always love them and secondhand stuff is awesomeness. As for a boyfriend that buys me footie pajamas, he knows me all too well. 

  • Sarah

    #3 is false. I would much rather have a vintage piece of jewelry that was actually hand-made by someone and not mass-produced by all of these factory outlet jewelry stores. But then again I’m not the uppity type that demands a 20 gazillion karat engagement ring. I appreciate anything that has a good story behind it. 

  • mikey

    hipster girls, shake your butt!

    • LIL B

      I HOPE ALL MY BITCHES GET ELEPHANT POO FLOWERS -LIL B

  • Shannon

    I couldn’t disagree more on #1. If you’ve ever been given an edible arrangement you would remove it from this list and put it on the “best valentine’s day gifts” list. They are so delicious!  I’ve been wanting one every valentine’s day since I got one the first time! Also, they definitely don’t fall under the cheap gift category…

  • Guest

    So the pajamas made with fruit, bought from auction, with elephant-poo roses and Omaha steaks attached it to, I bought for my boyfriend is wrong?

  • http://twitter.com/robinthecradle1 Robin West

    Vintage jewelry >>>> Mall Chain Store Jewelry (aka Zales/Kay) any.freaking.day. 

    • Anonymous

      but every kiss begins with kay

    • Anonymous

      he went to jared.

  • christine

    I think I want my heart broken this Valentines. SEND ME MY ELEPHANT POO FLOWERS PLEASE

  • Herey

    I would TOTALLY love to receive steaks as a gift – for ANY holiday! In fact, that would actually be a way for someone to say that they DO love me.

    And those fruit bouquets are freaking delicious. I would gladly accept one of those, too.

  • Lerma

    My dream is to receive an edible arrangement. :/

    • Fancypants

       dream big!!

  • Sam

    I thought the cantaloupe edible flower arrangement is cute! Are some girls seriously that high maintenance they would break up with a guy over that? Heck, eating it together with no hands would be a great way to use up this gift. 

  • Denden

    If you’re a straight male, how about buying your girl a Chris Brown CD?

    • jem

      no.

  • EAZ

    Almost anything purchased ON Valentine’s Day… especially after you sent them a great bouquet and they thought, “oh shit, now I have to get them something!”

  • Andrew

    Bad article.

  • Guest

    Edible arrangements sells chocolate covered strawberries which are so romantic, AND if my boyfriend got me omaha steaks I would be the happiest girl in the world. Not everyone expects a diamond or two dozen roses on valentine’s day, which is basically what this article is implying.

  • Olivia

    I would totally accept any of these.

  • Lex

    I love love love antique jewelry, and I think the best gifts reflect the person they’re being given to. Just like if my current boyfriend ever proposed to me with a diamond, he’d be out on the street. No two people are alike, I hate diamonds, love rubies. Love antique jewelry, hate roses. You really just ought to know your own partner.

  • Anonymous

     http://

    • Tyrone

      pornhub

  • Dylan

    I would fucking LOVE to get Edible Arrangements. What’s better than a bouquet of really good fruit?

  • EE

    LMAO.

  • Guest

    I’m in an ultra-quiet library right now and trying my best to smother my laughter. OMG soo funny! Well done!

  • Anon

    Haha I rarely laugh out loud when reading TC articles but this was just hilarious! 

  • Lady

    I think any of these gifts would make me love my hypothetical Valentine more!  Incuding the elephant dung–that’s really impressive!

    Oh…I think I just figured out why I’m single.  Huh.

    • chelsita

       I was thinking exactly the same thing! I’ve always wanted one of those edible bouquets of melon… I have an awesome boyfriend btw, so no worries.

  • rebecca

    I would love an edible bouquet or something antique, I love antiques!!!!

  • Jine

    My boyfriend had edible arrangements delivered to me at school on Valentine`s day back when we were still in high school. I thought it was cute and the fruits were delicious. I wouldn`t want my boyfriend to go over-the-top with a gift just because it`s Valentine`s day, so I thought it was sweet.

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