People underestimate how much weight we put on the image we portray to the world.
We underestimate how insecure we really are and how little we actually love ourselves.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I just don’t like me.
I don’t know, I think a lot about everything I have gone through in my life, with depression and suicidal thoughts, and sometimes I am like, I am such a weird person.
Like why have I had the experiences that I have had? Why aren’t I like everyone else?
For me, I place a lot of emphasis on being liked. Being the it girl, the social media maven, being in the crowd and being accepted.
My experiences with depression have made things 1000 times harder for me in my life, so I always go back to that and ruminate on it and then it affects my self-esteem.
It just starts to make me feel worthless and then the dark thoughts come and I am like, man, I really don’t belong here.
It’s difficult to explain if you haven’t gone through anything painful in your life, but all of us feel like this at times. We question who we are and if we are what society deems as acceptable.
We all just want to be accepted SO bad. And we will literally do whatever it fucking takes.
We may not say it, but every time we post a picture on Instagram or Facebook, we are DYING for someone to comment and be like “Yass, girl, you are everything, you are amazing, keep up the good work!”
But what happens when we don’t get that validation? Who are we then?
Are we nobodies? Do we matter? Do we have worth?
For a lot of us, the answer is then, no.
My honest wish from God, is through all the pain and uncertainty I have endured in my life, that I come through with the sickest, most amazing confidence ever and that even though it may have hurt me to see myself suffer, to know that at times I have considered taking my own life because it all just didn’t seem worth it and I didn’t think mattered, that all of this was to grow me and make me into the person I was destined to be.
I’ll tell you this, if you don’t decide for yourself that you matter and that you deserve to be loved, you will always hate yourself and feel like you don’t matter in this world.
You will die, having waited for the validation from everyone that you didn’t get.
It is hard to accept certain situations in life, but loving ourselves through it all, is something we do have control over.
Don’t tear yourself down on your own. Society does that to us enough.
It’s up to you.
Decide that you are here, you matter, and you are worth it.