I’ve grown up Christian and as Christians, we are taught to trust God even in the midst of our storms.
But my experiences as a believer has made me resent Him and even though I know it can seem foolish to some to hold resentment against a force we cannot even touch or see, our faith in a guiding force leading us throughout our lives does not stop us from having these sentiments anyway.
For anyone who knows me personally and my current experiences with depression, suicidal thoughts, attempts, hopelessness, and feelings of loss and betrayal, they would be shocked I would even be writing an article mentioning God and the prospect of trusting Him in the midst of a storm.
Because life can be a bitch.
It can be extremely challenging and downright confusing to the point where we look at ourselves and our situations and we think to ourselves how and why?
Like how is it even humanly possible to have survived so much and hurt so much at the same time? And whilst grappling with these hard questions, we search desperately for the bright side but fail to find it. Then we ask, what next?
I guess it is different for everyone but I know I have asked myself these very questions time and time again when I look at the way my story has unfolded thus far, because especially as millennials, we have a plan thought out in our head of how we think life will unfold for us and when it doesn’t go as planned we feel as if the world has been taken straight from beneath us and we then don’t know where to turn from there.
Particularly in your 20s dealing with tragedy or any kind of painful experience isn’t easy because now is the time when we are just beginning to get accustomed to dealing with the losses of life without the help of our parents or peers for the most part and any feeling of overwhelming uncertainty can leave us constantly in moments of despair.
To keep it 100% real with you guys, in the span of a year I have had a hospital stay, group therapy, numerous psychiatrist appointments, appointments with caseworkers, medication changes, interrogating questions regarding my safety at my psych appointments, suicidal thoughts and attempts, no job, and a delay my education.
Talk about scary.
I am only 22 with all of these disappointments and I have often questioned why I was even born at times and have questioned my purpose here on this earth if all I do is seem to hurt and run into disappointment or rejection.
But as someone who has been bitter for months, I am telling you that you need to trust God when it doesn’t make sense because He hasn’t led you this far for no reason.
As someone who doubted I would even make it to 2018, it is only by His grace and mercy that I am still alive today and telling my story through writing and still have the drive and courage to live through it all because everything I have endured has only woken me up and made me a stronger person for it.
Losses are not meant to break you, they are made to sustain you so you realize that nothing and I mean nothing you want in this life will come without a hard and merciless fight.
You will cry, you will be angry, you will want to give up, you will roll your eyes every time you see social media posts that look perfect, and you will question your purpose and God’s intentions for your life over and over again.
But you being here, right now, is no mistake and what you have been through has not been an accident.
It may not make any sense now, but sometimes pain is a part of your purpose.
You will only have a story worth sharing unless you have been through experiences that will make others stop and listen to what you have to say. You will only gain the gusto to even trust God and have faith in the first place when you are put in a position where you literally have no choice but to trust.
I know it is incredibly hard for some of you and you question your portion all the time. You see your friends you see strangers and you think man, God blessed them and not me. I want that, why not me?
But your time is coming, only not in the way that you may have envisioned it.
Faith is truly all you have when you have been defeated. So I need you to use your faith to keep going and to keep moving. You have come incredibly far already.
He sees you and he has not forgotten about you.