1. Holy shit. I’ve lived for a quarter of a fucking century.
2. Has anyone realized I’ve been faking it all this time? Seriously, I’m just waiting for someone to call me out.
3. Maybe kids aren’t so bad. My niece and nephew are pretty cool.
4. (Right after said niece or nephew poops) Never mind. They’re little septic tanks.
5. Let’s go to the 2008-to-2010 sections of my Facebook timeline and hide EVERYTHING.
6. Should I stop shopping at Forever 21?
7. Maybe older people in my office won’t refer to me as being 12 anymore.
8. The fuck? Those kids under 21 now think I’m old.
9. Shit. I just referred to them as “kids.”
10. At least I’ll never be alone. I’ll always have my student loans.
11. Bring it on, Ebola. I still have another year on my dad’s health insurance.
12. I’ll learn how to cook and stop eating over the sink some day.
13. Someone please call the ambulance. I’ve had this hangover all day.
14. It’s so loud in this club!
15. I’m going to send every shitty high school teacher I had an email about how great I’m doing.
16. Putting cheese into my body causes me physical pain now. There is no god.
17. If I consume all of my calories during happy hour, I can definitely afford to live in the city.
18. I want a dog so bad!
19. Wow. Most of the things on my resume are no longer lies.
20. At least I’m over trying to figure out which character I’d be on a TV show.
21. How am I still fighting acne?
22. There’s actually something in my savings account!
23. Let’s pour one out for all of our pregnant and married homies.
24. I wonder when I’ll be able to taste the difference in expensive wine and the $4 bottles at the supermarket?
25. Whatever. I’m going out and buying the new Pokemon game.