Soccer is gay. I’m not saying this because I think it’s stupid or un-American or really classy like other foreign, high society things. I’m saying this because every term sounds like it belongs in some dude’s Grindr profile.
1. Assist: When you take a break in the middle for fluffing.
2. Ball in Play: It’s okay to touch balls.
3. Ball Out of Play: It’s really not okay to touch balls.
4. Bicycle Kick: When you’re riding and accidentally kick your partner in the face.
5. Dead Ball: When you sleep with Lance Armstrong.
6. 50/50 Ball: It’s only okay to do mouth stuff with balls.
7. Goal: When you both cum at the same time.
8. Goal Keeper: The straight best friend of the guy you’re trying to pick up.
9. Kicker: A bottom who likes to get ridden like a horse until he starts bucking all over the place.
10. Linesman: A guy who likes to snort coke off of another guy.
11. National Team: Sleeping with at least 11 members of a subset of the gay community at the same time. EG 11 bears or 11 twinks.
12. Penalty: A diagnosed STD.
13. Punt: A man of small stature who tops.
14. Referee: The guy you invite to have a threesome, but he’s forced to hold the camera the entire time.
15. Shutout: Doing it without lube.
16. Box: A place only known to those who adventured before coming out.