1. Facebook: Having an awesome day at my awesome job doing awesome things.
Reality: There was definitely a typo in the board report I helped draft.
2. Facebook: Walking to work this morning. #Fitness
Reality: I haven’t been to the gym in 17 days.
3. Facebook: Look at my cute new puppy!
Reality: … who looked me dead in the eyes and took a dump in the kitchen.
4. Facebook: I love you so much! I don’t know what I’d do without you, babe <3
Reality: We fight all the time, and I gave another dude a handy yesterday.
5. Facebook: Just me being goofy! [Insert picture of a pretty girl with big glasses and her tongue sticking out.]
Reality: How does Zooey Deschanel do this all day?
6. Facebook: Ugh, did you really have to do that? It sucks when you care more than everyone else :/
Reality: I may not resolve any real feelings with the person who made me angry, but at least people in my bio class will feel sorry for me.
7. Facebook: [Insert political rant preceded by “I don’t care if I get hate for this…”]
Reality: Most people on my friend’s list probably agree with me, but I’m still brave, damn it!
8. Facebook: A generic motivational quote that’s probably incorrectly attributed to Betty White or Marilyn Monroe.
Reality: This is feminism, right?
9. Facebook: Share this post and a magical fairy will grant you three wishes at midnight.
Reality: I’m over 40 and probably shouldn’t be on Facebook.
10. Facebook: Buzzfeed quiz!
Reality: I’ve taken 30 of these and this is the first result I like enough to share.
11. Facebook: [Insert Instagram picture followed by 20 hashtags.]
Reality: Like this! Oh god have mercy, somebody please like this!
12. Facebook: Look at what Kayleigh learned how to do! [Insert picture of a baby so young that it can only do things Cabbage Patch Kids can do.]
Reality: I really need to get invited to a happy hour soon.
13. Facebook: Happy birthday!
Reality: We haven’t spoken in a year, and I only know it’s your birthday because Facebook told me.
14. Facebook: [Insert a random, little known “fact” that was first posted on Tumblr.]
Reality: I’m sure this is true. It really applies to me. I swear.
15. Facebook: I’m going to delete my Facebook. All of this is ridiculous.
Reality: I’ll be back in four days with a new update alerting you to my social media presence. I expect you to throw a party celebrating my triumphant return.