1. Hire the lesbians who hang out in front of Home Depot to build a back deck on your house.
2. Straight bash the girls who have their bachelorette parties at gay clubs.
3. Watch Queer as Folk and realize how often they ignore the importance of foreplay and lube.
4. Look at Neil Patrick Harris’ Instagram and know it will never get that much better for you.
5. Don’t walk to work. March to work.
6. Become a drag beauty guru on YouTube.
7. Discover your own sexuality so you can add a letter to LGBTQIA.
8. Pretend to be straight to see how many phone numbers you can get from the opposite sex.
9. Ditch the rail vodka and treat yourself to a real vodka cranberry.
10. Get a frozen margarita swirl at least once a week, though.
11. Find all the leaked celebrity nude photos you can.
12. Host a fabulous brunch and invite your mother to show up with any meal she ever cooked for you.
13. Whenever straight friends ask you for an opinion on their wedding, preface everything with, “I would do this if I could legally get married in this state…”
14. Start a fight with another gay man by saying you like Katy Perry more than Lady Gaga.
15. Go the gym only to drink a fruit smoothie and watch the gay jocks for 45 minutes.
16. Tell a bisexual they’re not real.
17. Finally learn who the fuck Laverne Cox is.
18. Realize you still identify more with the show Girls than with Looking.
19. Tops, appreciate your bottoms. Bottoms, werk your bottom.
20. Use a condom.