On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that Hobby Lobby and other “closely held” businesses don’t have to provide contraceptives to their female employees because they love Jesus and hate abortions. Why stop at these slutty women who just want to kill babies all the time? It’s time the “O” in HMO stood for Old Testament.
1. The only form of therapy they should cover is reparative therapy for the homosexuals. The sole person you should be confessing guilty feelings or actions to is God Himself. Just go to church and wash away your dirty sins with holy water if you want to feel better.
2. They’re a craft supply store, so I’m certain a few gays have snuck behind the cash registers and stole some poor heterosexual’s job. They should no longer cover HIV and AIDS tests or medication. HIV and AIDS are God’s way of punishing you. No one can buy you out of that jam.
3. Hobby Lobby shouldn’t cover any cost for any person looking to change their gender. They hired and liked you, Sarah. No one wants to get to know this new Steve guy. You can go find a new job in this booming economy that matches your new gender.
4. Blood transfusions are gross and shouldn’t be covered. Jesus’ blood was wine, and He didn’t complain about needing new blood. (Though if my blood were wine, I don’t think I’d complain either. I see your game, Jesus.)
5. Paternity leave shouldn’t even be discussed unless they’re calling the new father gay for asking for it. You may have only had that baby because Hobby Lobby didn’t cover contraception or abortion, but you can’t take paternity leave. Your wife should feel proud that she can finally stay at home and be with a man who brings home the bacon.
6. Speaking of bacon, they shouldn’t cover anything related to your blood pressure or clogged up arteries. That’s what you get for eating dirty pig products.
7. The Cut the Pork healthcare policy should be extended to cow-based food products. They shouldn’t cover costs related to obesity, lactose issues or gym memberships.
8. Let’s drop eye exam coverage too. I’m pretty sure blindness and other eye conditions are caused by masturbation.
9. Any medical expenses related to your liver should be paid out of your pocket. Alcohol is of the devil.
10. Medications for erectile dysfunction should be strictly reserved for married heterosexual couples.
11. Vasectomies can be 100% covered only after a man fathers both a son and a daughter.
And there you have it — this right here is a health plan that will save a multibillion-dollar Christian American Corporation money and the souls of filthy sinners.
Now, how do I get in touch with Antonin Scalia?