Enough With Equality Already — I’m Gay And I Don’t Want To Get Married

A federal judge in Oregon recently ruled that the state’s ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. As a gay man, I rule this is some bullshit. You see, there was a high time in American history when the LGBT community didn’t have to worry about marriage, or children, or settling down. All we worried about was how to get an anonymous handy in a public park after sundown.

I envy my gay forefathers. They lived blissfully ignorant of the harsh realities of AIDS and figuring out where to sit racist Aunt Bethany and drunk Uncle Robert. We may have gained “marriage equality” but at what cost? My mother now asks me when I’ll get married or have children. I figured God knew gays had enough going on so he gave us straight siblings to continue the family line.

Gay men only had to worry about a few questions in a relationship before this gay marriage thing took off. “Are you a top or bottom? And is it cool if I sleep with a few other dudes?” I now shake in my designer boots out of fear that my boyfriend will ask me to marry him.

Just a couple decades ago, my homosexuality would have taken the marriage and children cards out of my hand. Now, I’m expected to have an adorable adopted Asian baby and live in some prefab home.

Now that the gays are getting married, weddings have become classier than Jessica Lange smoking a post-coital cigarette and more entertaining than the Super Bowl’s half time show. How are we even going to top the gay weddings that have already happened? This gay couple had a Batman themed wedding without any actual cosplay. They had a classy nerdy wedding. And I’ll be damned if I go to a gay summer wedding with two grooms who have beach ready bodies all year round.

After marriage equality, what’s next? The major benefits of being gay were being able to legitimately dodge the draft and wedding bells. Gay rights activists have ruined both of these things. Am I supposed to get a job next? Or pay taxes?

I stand with our Christian brothers and sisters. It’s time we stop shoving gay rights down our throats and start shoving other gay things down our throats.

I don’t want to get married. I don’t want kids. Before, I could fall back on the old reliable lack of rights excuse. Now, I just look like an asshole for hating kids and not wanting to fill out joint bank account paper work. My not wanting to get married is like spitting in the eye of every person who marched in the Stonewall Riots. And I’m no spitter.